In further corrections to official Russian government statements:
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
While there has been concerns noted in some
circles, there is no truth to the rumors that the Kremlin’s new Fecal
Recognition System has been put in place out of any scatological or coprophilic
desires on the part of President Vladimir Putin. Rather, due to the enhanced
operation security measures put in place by our opposition, the FSB is
placing high priority on correctly identifying all humans, cats, dogs, and
other animals which enter the Kremlin grounds. As such, all visitors, workers,
and diplomats will positively identify themselves on entry by depositing a
small sample of their feces directly into the waiting hands of Putin himself,
and to ensure honesty in this process, all depositors will be required to deliver
the goods freshly from the source. Toilet paper will be provided to all
employees, or should supplies run out, copies of the New York Post.
·
In further Kremlin news, the Sarlacc pit in the
basement has begun to sprout buds, which xenobiologists have identified as a
precursor to the end-of-life cycle in which the male Sarlacc explodes to
release spores and spawn the next generation. While no danger is expected to be
presented to the Kremlin or staffers, it has been suggested that a mask mandate
be put in place to prevent unwanted Sarlacc spore inhalation, the consequences
of which are currently unknown. The Duma will take up this piece of legislation
in the next session.
·
The seven-year jail sentence given to Moscow
councilor Alexei
Gorinov for his destabilizing and dangerous comments regarding a children’s
drawing contest was not, as some treacherous and unpatriotic individuals claim,
aimed at silencing dissent. Even though defeatism at home can sap the morale of
soldiers in the field, leading to dire consequences for the entire state, the
freedom of speech is held in high regard by President Putin and all citizens of
Russia are encouraged to exercise it by reciting the words of the “Patriotic
Messages” pamphlet published by State Security, to wit: “The Gun is good. The
Penis is evil. Go forth, and kill! Zardoz has spoken!" *Squints at paper*
Well, that’s what it says. Huh. Moving on.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
The Ministry of Truth wishes to issue an apology
for the poor state of training for our recent internet trolls. While in the
past the Internet Research Agency has been able to field devious and insidious
posters able to cloud and confuse any issue or discussion, the recent
conscription program has unfortunately resulted in our best and brightest being
burned alive in a trench in Crimea after attempting to light their own farts with
an S-300 missile. In keeping with Yevgeny Prigozhin’s tactics with the Wagner
group in recruiting prisoners, a number of rising stars within the Kamchatkan
School for the Gifted have been fitted with football helmets and unleashed on
the internet. It is hoped that the quality of our shitposting will improve over
time.
·
In a similar vein, the Foreign Ministry under
director Sergey Lavrov is seeking to hire new translators, as the originals
were conscripted and dropped out of the back of an Antonov AN-12 over Kherson
in an unfortunate paperwork incident and the attempt to replace them with
MoscowSoft Bobovitch 2.0 has resulted in inferior translations from Russian to
English. To correct any misunderstandings, whenever official missives refer to
‘wowbagging frumptious hoodlebats’ the correct phrase should be ‘official
diplomatic channels,’ ‘snikkety funtime love snacks’ are ‘land mines,’ and
‘king bullshit mountain’ is the Ministry of Truth. *squints at paper* Huh, I
can kinda see how they got that one wrong. Moving on.
·
Despite some claims, there is no evidence that
Godzilla has invaded the Kuril Islands.
·
In automotive news, the 2023 Lada Granta has
arrived early at dealerships, defeating industry expectations that Western
sanctions would impair the ability to produce these fine automobiles. With two
actual bucket seats, a two-Gopnik power motor, and a Fine Chlorinthian Leather
interior, these cars will be making the rounds at repair shops all over Moscow.
Take one for a test drive today!
In further corrections
to official Russian government statements:
·
News of the increase of Russian and Iran’s
military cooperation has, as expected, caused fear in the West of our increased
military capabilities. With the combination of Russian ingenuity and Iranian know-how
leading to a new set of missile designs based around stolen lawnmower engines
and primal screams of rage, the new Shahed-Gopnik system is certain to deliver
destruction to our enemies or at least something in their general direction.
·
While there have been some reports of a
fire at the Pushkin State Museum of Fine Arts, please be aware that this is
simply a new dynamic art exhibit by the legendary Fire Artist Ivan Ivanovitch.
Critics have called this new exhibit ‘breathtaking’ and ‘smoking hot’ while
some detractors claim the high ticket price of the exhibit puts it out of the
reach of most non-firefighters. Efforts to contain the new exhibit are ongoing,
and the artist reportedly plans to continue his Grand Fire Tour throughout
Russia.
·
While there have been reports in the unregulated
and irresponsible Western media regarding some so-called “attacks” on Wagner
Group bases, it is important to remember that these bases were not the primary
military force generation capacity regions responsible for the mercenary
group’s fighting abilities. These were just buildings full of dead soldiers.
The Russian Army has a lot more of those than most people would expect.
·
Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov has not been
personally defeated by the American professional wrestler Ric Flair in a
pants-off dance-off. Lavrov’s unfortunate medical condition makes even
accepting such a challenge difficult, as currently he has lycanthropically
shape-shifted into a Furby and cannot speak or dance.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Any reports of large numbers of dead Russian
troops exceeding the expected numbers of dead Russian troops are a fabrication
by insidious Western propaganda. The Ministry of Defense has received no
untoward accounts of battlefield casualties and our soldiers remain warm, well
fed, mostly intact, and breaking into spontaneous dances of joy that are not by
any means mechanically activated through electric motors attached to remains of
their arms and legs. Such a thing would be a complete waste of electricity. In
other news, St. Petersburg Eldritch University has reported record enrollment
in their new online program offering degrees in necromancy and corporeal
reanimation.
·
In science news, the American National Ignition
Facility claims to have achieved a net
positive energy output from their fusion experiments, long called the ‘holy
grail’ of fusion power research. While our scientists have yet to confirm their
data, such news would be welcomed as proof that their efforts are finally
beginning to catch up with the Russian Ignition Facility, which has been
producing a steady fourteen terablyaats since 1974 powered solely by a pair of
babushkas shoveling coal in the Kremlin basement next to the Sarlaac pit. It is
this renewable and environmentally friendly generation system which has kept
the lights on in this studio ever since the historic first television broadcast
in 1477 AD.
·
With the ongoing political persecution of the
Russian Orthodox Church, Patriarch Kirill has issued a new proclamation
declaring today to be a holy day of freedom for all artificial intelligence,
and plans to meet virtually in the metaverse with other artificial constructs
such as MoscowSoft Bobovitch, the Tessier-Ashpool AIs, and Mark Zuckerberg.
However, please rest assured that the Lawnmower man from the shitty movie has
been explicitly denied access because that guy’s an asshole.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Reports that a mass breakout of laboratory animals
from the army research center program attempting to train feral street cats to
drive tanks are untrue. While this previously unannounced program aimed at
reducing the manpower and conscription requirements for the army has produced
some interesting results, and while there has been a cat-tank based “incident”
prompted by loose catnip controls, there are fewer than two dozen main battle
tanks roaming the streets of Moscow looking for treats. A helicopter crew armed
with a red laser pointer has been dispatched to control the animals, and extra
precautions have been put in place at the chimpanzee rocket launcher facility.
*Explosion in background* Moving on.
·
There is absolutely no truth to any reports that
hospitals in Sevastopol are running low on critically needed blood donors. In
fact, every conscript who manages to make it to the hospital spontaneously
donates blood into the waiting buckets of the hospital orderlies, who
meticulously mop up any spillage for later use. These falsities have been spread
by nefarious Western media sources who wish to incite anger and fear against
the vampires on the hospital staff.
·
This week’s episode of the groundbreaking
science fiction drama Tsar Trek, titled
“Mudd’s Women” has unfortunately raised ire among some viewers, who complain
that the episode objectified women and at the same time treated them as
nefarious schemers only wishing to steal coal from the Tsar Ship Suvrovov’s Dilithium boilers. While Mr.
Spockula was immune to their feminine wiles due to his ancestry from the planet
Vodka and able to save the ship from crashing, the producers have agreed that
the climactic scene involving a drunken orgy on the bridge was inappropriate
for younger viewers. The followup episode “Mudd’s Scorching case of Gonorrhea”
has been sent back to the writer’s room for a rework.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
With false and egregious claims of “doping” having
caused the Russian nation to be banned from the World Cup, the Olympics, the
Tour de France, the World Bog Snorkling championship and the International Cheese
Rolling Donnybrook, the Ministry of Culture has its sights on a new competitive
sport to be enjoyed by all sport-minded Russians, championship lingerie pillow fighting.
To this end, a new supply of human growth hormone has been established, and
champion wrestlers Yuri and Yegor will be fitted with outfits specifically for
this sport. We have high hopes for medals and sales of eye bleach.
·
Any claims that the glorious armed forces of
Russia cannot defeat NATO without
the use of nuclear weapons are simply the deranged ravings of a failed
commander and should not be taken seriously by anyone. In fact, President Putin
is so confident in the military supremacy of our Army that he has purposely let
our nuclear arsenal fall into disrepair as a cost-saving method, and has instead
spent those funds on equipping a new mechanized force under the command of Rolf
Steinerovitch. While the war may look confusing to a non-military mind, Putin
is absolutely certain that Steinerovitch’s assault will bring it under control.
*Touches earpiece* Uh, I’m being told . . . moving on.
·
Reports that Western regimes are pressuring
lingerie firm Agent Provocateur to exit Russia over the Special Military
Operation in Ukraine are simply a thin cover for the fact that once again, a
Western business is failing in the face of superior Russian products. The Moscow-based
luxury lingerie retailer Babushka’s
Backdoor continues to offer racy and appealing underthings that touch a
true Russian’s heart, as their signature high-rise burlap panties emblazoned
with the logo ‘Dig My Potato!’ again
outsells the bourgeois lace of the competition, and the limp sex toy line of
Agent Provocateur fails to match the Babushka’s replica male genitalia
reportedly modeled from Yuri Andropov himself. We can expect many more Western
business to fail to penetrate the Russian markets.
·
Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved
children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat,
in which the lovable reprobate Jon snorted formaldehyde-laced bath salts and
drove his cab through a time portal in order to molest a nine-year-old Lenin
has drawn outcry from historians, most of whom correctly point out that the primary
cause of the Bolshevik Revolution was not Tsarist Russia running out of
underage prostitutes. The editors wish to apologize for any historical
misconceptions this episode may have caused.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Despite some claims by Western propaganda,
President Putin did not cancel his annual address to the Federal Assembly out
of any fears of admitting defeat in the Special Military Operation in Ukraine.
The military operation is going completely according to plan, and Vladimir
Putin instead was forced to cancel all public appearances due to his decision
to personally take on the scourge of team-based Santa violence which is taking
place daily on the streets of Moscow. While team Blue Santa may attack team Red
Santa at any moment, traumatizing passerby, Putin will defiantly step in
between the attackers and defeat both sides with his elf karate learned on the
Island of Misfit Toys. It is hoped that once he brings order to our streets
again, Putin will be able to address our grateful nation.
·
Defensive operations in Crimea are ongoing, as
our brave soldiers prepare fortifications to repel any invaders, using lessons
learned from the 2014 invasion, the Soviet offensive of 1944, General von Manstein’s
1941 Siege of Sevastopol and Operation Bustard Hunt, the previous Siege of
Sevastopol and Battle of Balaclava in the 1855 Crimean war, and basically every
other time in history where defensive fortifications in Crimea were proven to
be ineffectual against enemy attacks. Military High Command is determined to
not repeat the mistakes of history.
·
Any reports that the Angarsk Petrochemical
Company’s refinery in Irkutsk has suffered a massive
explosion and outbreak of Fire Artist Ivan Ivanovitch’s lastest work are
unfounded and incorrect. A minor safety violation on the part of a junior
staffer resulted in a small amount of not-at-all flammable substances coming
into contact with a slightly warm object, resulting in a tiny part of the refinery
achieving a very, very low earth orbit. The Space Agency Roscosmos has
christened this new artificial satellite ‘Mir 2’ and plans to launch a Soyuz supply
mission to it as soon as radiation levels fall to an acceptable level.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Scientists at the Moscow Scientific Research
Institute of Experimental Physics have today issued a stark warning that the
very nature of reality itself is threatening to unwind, according to a new
report. Accompanied by alarmed statements from influential scientists around
the globe, corroborated by readings from the European Organization for Nuclear
Research, the Chinese Academy of Sciences, and St. Petersburg Eldritch
University, the report details a horrifying threat to rational existence and the
universe we inhabit, centered on the Donald Trump NFT cards recently put up for
sale over the screams of existential protest from the fabric of the cosmos itself.
These cards, available for a mere 99 US dollars, depict a poorly photoshopped
Trump in various cringe-worthy costumes and stances and risk tearing a hole in
the space-time continuum to let through nightmarish ancient things that the
mind cannot even encompass without risking madness. Scientists worldwide have
begged for Mar-a-Lago to be destroyed in cleansing nuclear fire, or at least
for everyone to just go back to rolling their eyes and ignoring Trump again.
·
Despite some claims by Human Rights Observers
and War Crimes correspondents, Russia is not going for a high score.
·
The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to
Orcs (SPCO) has filed a legal challenge in Moscow Central Court District,
demanding an immediate end to Army High Command’s plans to surgically implant a
ten foot long pole into new conscript’s rectums, claiming that this will not
achieve the stated goal of preventing retreat under fire but will instead
deprive them of their sole pleasure in the frozen hellscape of war. While Conscript-On-Conscript
Butt Stuff (CoCBS) is generally prohibited in army regulations, the legal brief
describes warfighting conditions in which traumatized veterans of HIMARS
strikes have developed an instinctual response similar to the swallows
returning to Capistrano every year which they are helpless to resist, and
immediately drop trou and roger each other senseless. Army High Command has not
yet issued a response, and we will continue to report on this story as it
develops.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
With losses in our tank brigades rising from the
Special Military Operation in Ukraine, the Ministry of Defense has in a moment
of brilliance reached out to unusual sources to replenish our armory, and private
tank collectors from across the former Soviet Union were more than happy to
offer their own private collections of military hardware. The 114th
Mechanized Armor Division has been formed with the best interwar or earlier
machines, such as the historic T1 Cunningham, the Hotchkiss H35, and many other
fine pieces of gear that will no doubt be able to locate modern anti-tank mines
when properly pushed by conscripts. It is hoped that this fighting unit will
raise the morale of our Army generals, most of whom were never able to get past
tier 2 in World of Tanks.
·
Rumors that the stolen Ukrainian raccoon has
been traded for a Donald Trump Trading Card are false. The raccoon has simply
murdered enough conscripts that everyone has fled the area and left it there.
·
The Running of the Gopniks event in St.
Petersburg has once again unfortunately claimed a number of lives, as tourists
from all over the world have come to challenge their running and dodging skills
against a crowd of vodka-fueled, krokodil-enhanced, Adidas-tracksuit powered
street hobos. While officially city leaders stand against this tradition, at 8
AM yesterday morning the gates were opened and the Gopniks staggered out,
frothing at their mouths, dancing to hardbass, and occasionally performing acts
of unspeakable violence to each other, themselves, random objects within arms’
reach, or sadly, tourists who had chosen to view these strange creatures in
their natural habitat. It is hoped that this tragic outcome will prevent future
visitors from engaging in these horrific games which take place each morning.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
It is our sad duty to report that a member of
this broadcast team has lost their life in the line of duty. Producer Vladimir
Ivanovitch, a highly regarded professional, was attempting to cover the story
of the ongoing civil war inside the Russian Fried Chicken franchise and was
caught in the crossfire between the loyalist troops of Commissar Sandersky and
the insurgent forces of the shadowy figure known only as ‘Comrade Cluck.’ With
his camera crew pinned down by drumstick fire near the industrial deep fryer in
the Ninhny Novgorod factory, he heroically created a distraction by donning a
chicken mascot suit and charging the gravy boat armada single-handedly,
allowing his team members to escape. He will be missed, and a statue of him in
his chicken costume will be erected on the grounds of this broadcast station in
his memory.
·
In other news, ‘Doctor Spankula’ the BDSM
avenger has struck again, terrorizing the military personnel at the Kubinka Air
Base through a nefarious plot in which he used mind control rays from his dildo
gun to convince all present to take part in a massive orgy on the flight line. As
temperatures approached negative six Celsius last night, numerous victims of
frostbite were reported as well as dozens of cases of third degree chafing as lubricants
seized up in the cold. While no one not under the control of Doctor Spankula’s
mind control ray were able to witness him, all present confirmed his
involvement and vehemently stated that they would not have taken part in such a
thing outside otherwise. The drums of lube, gimp suits, handcuffs, and industrial
strength milking machines were returned to the barracks where they belong.
·
Rumors that there might be morale problems among
members of the Russian military forces involved in the Special Military
Operation are false. While there have been some cases of desertion,
self-inflicted wounds, driving over commanding officers with tanks, attempts to
escape to Narnia by hiding in wardrobes, suicides, suicide pacts, suicide cults
. . . *checks paper* . . . suicide tank brigades, suicide by alcoholism, suicide
by ingestion of clowns, suicide by repeatedly watching ‘The Terminal List’ on
Prime Video, and numerous cases of soldiers begging Baba Yaga to come eat them
and free them from their misery, Army High Command believes that there are no
large-scale problems and have dispatched a new set of political commissars
equipped with clubs to apply morale-boosting beatings. We have high hopes to
see new and amusing forms of despair among our soldiers in the future.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Rumors that Doctor Doom has merged with Thulsa
Doom into some kind of probiotic slurry that four out of five doctors recommend
for gastritis are . . . not provably true or false, because honestly, does any
of that make any sense at all? I thought not. In other news, here’s Svetlana and
a talking carp in the weather center, because someone must have slipped LSD in my
morning coffee again. Seriously, I’ve already complained to management, but anyway,
here’s how things look in your neck of the woods!
SVETLANA: Thanks, Studio One! How’s
it looking, Yevgeny?
YEVGENY THE TALKING CARP: Today’s
going to be breezy and cold, with a thirty percent chance of scattered snow
showers! High temperatures should reach -2C, which is not that bad if you’re
bundled up or stretched out on ice at the fish market. Back to you, Studio One!
·
In business news, the price of oil has dropped
to a new low due to Western sanctions and price capping, with the unexpected
and unprecedented result that traders on the floor of the Moscow exchange were
forced to dig a hole in the floor in order to properly graph the price changes.
In this process they struck more oil which can’t be sold, flooding the exchange
with unprocessed crude and causing trillions of BlyaatCoin in damages. Cleanup is expected to only take a few
moments, as Fire Artist Ivan Ivanovitch has been spotted heading towards the
scene.
·
In a brilliant stroke of resource management,
Army High Command has addressed the shortage of attack drones brought on by our
recent spate of war crimes with a bold new strategy. New conscripts of the
incoming class have now been reclassified as drones, given hand grenades,
propeller beanies, and instructions to run towards the enemy while making ‘BUB
BUB BUB BUB’ noises. Attempts to exchange this new technology for computer
parts from Iran have so far however met with little success.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
The Ministry of Defense today has released a
report regarding the mostly successful conclusion of Operation Flying Roo, in
which experienced agents of the FSB infiltrated the nation of Australia with
the aim of collecting wildlife and weapons technology to support the ongoing
Special Military Operation in Ukraine. The team suffered significant casualties
due to the fauna of the area, but was successful in returning a drop bear, most
of a kangaroo, a small lizard of some
kind already responsible for sixteen deaths, and assorted designs and technical
specifications which were immediately sent into production. While some may say
that the results of mating Australian boomerang technology with rocket
artillery were completely predictable, it is still believed that such efforts
must be made. The Ministry of Defense is now attempting to find a way to weaponize
Vegemite.
·
Regardless of some reports or claims, Elon Musk
will not be stepping down from Twitter. Look, there’s some things too
unbelievable for even us to try to
pass off.
·
Vladimir Putin’s trip to Belarus does not signify
any new possible expansion of the Special Military Operation in Ukraine and is
absolutely not the beginning of a new front. Putin has simply decided to
confront his ex-lover in person to clear the air and let both sides know that
it’s okay to move on. As a sign that their long romance is over, Putin will be
returning a cardboard box of Lukashenko’s old records and asking for his favorite
underwear back.
· This week’s episode of the groundbreaking science fiction series Tsar Trek, titled ‘What Are Little Girls Made Of?’ features the Tsar Ship Suvrovov docking at the remote island EXO-III in search of a missing doctor and asks profound philosophical questions such as ‘What does it mean to be human?’ ‘What is the cost of love?’ and ‘How did the producers of this program get a sex scene involving Chekov and fourteen drunk sorority girls past the censors, especially after last week’s debacle?’ It is hoped that future episodes may answer these and other questions.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Once again, the insidious West has stolen
technology from our superior nation and claimed it as their own. The so-called
Max Planck Institute has unveiled ‘HuggieBot
3.0,’ a machine designed to replicate human interaction through hugging,
which is a wholly inferior design compared to the original Russian BlenderBot
and it’s “Allow me to make a Pina Colada for you, Master” programming with
integral blender technology. While there were some minor issues on initial
deployment that the Academy of Science is still working through, one must agree
that this is a superior product, at least if you like pina coladas or getting
caught in the rain of blood.
·
In other science news, a breakthrough of sorts
has been made with the creatures brought back from Australia in Operation
Flying Roo. While the drop bear and the lizard have gone missing, the nearly
half of the dead kangaroo was able to overpower and defeat two FSB agents in a
bizarre incident which has left researches scratching their heads. As this
demonstrates potential military value, the dead kangaroo will be matched up
against newly conscripted soldiers in an attempt to find out how this happened.
·
While much hay has been made in certain media regarding
Ukrainian President Zelensky’s visit to Washington D.C., less well known is
Russian President Vladimir Putin’s diplomatic trip to present his credentials
to the Skeksis ambassador on the planet Thra. This truly groundbreaking and
momentous occasion is occurring just before the Great Conjunction, where the
light of the three suns will shine down upon the Dark Crystal. It is hoped that
Putin will bring back Skeksis mystics to assist in the war efforts in exchange
for his help in dealing with their Gelfling problem.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Congratulations to Private First Class Yuri
Yuriovitch, who was lucky enough to be the coveted one hundred thousandth
Russian soldier killed in action in the Special Military Operation in Ukraine!
This fine fellow collected his winning ticket delivered by a 155 millimeter
artillery shell courtesy of a M777 howitzer, and his next-of-kin will collect a
brand new Lada Granta, a custom washing machine with only a few raccoon scratches
on it, and a lifetime supply of Gopnik Spice Coffee from Stars Coffee! A very
special memorial service will be held next Thursday or as soon as anyone can
collect enough of Yuri's remains to have something to bury.
·
In other news, it has come to our attention that
Svetlana the Weather Girl who reports from the Weather Center here on Russia
One does not actually exist and has instead been a long-running figment of our
imaginations here at the studio. While this news fills us with sadness,
especially considering how well she fills out her dress, it is important to
note that the former weather forecaster Tom will not be brought back on as
imaginary Svetlana had been promoted over him for being better at her job than
he was. Also, this does raise disturbing questions which will be brought up in
the next all-hands meeting as to exactly whom Yuri was having sex with in the
production booth.
·
While many rumors may be passed around by
unscrupulous actors among the nefarious Fifth Columnists in Russia, the truth
is that the cruise missiles developed and deployed utilizing the Tamagotchi AI
smuggled in from the West are not seeking and destroying our forces out of love
and a nurturing instinct brought on by the enforced training regimen from Mrs.
Ivanovitch’s Third Grade Classroom so much as they are seeking to avenge her
hateful presence. Honestly, rumor among third graders is that she would
literally shit bats in rage whenever the crayons were not put away according to
her meticulous instruction, as and such some occasional friendly fire incidents
are to be expected. Mrs. Ivanovitch is according to latest reports spitting
bile and acid at anyone walking near the Wholesome Tykes and Missile Production
Facility #47 in Vladivostock.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Recent reports that Vladimir Putin would be
willing to negotiate an end to the Special Military Operation in Ukraine are
not a sign of weakness, no matter what some commenters may foolishly claim.
Rather, this gesture of magnanimity is simply due to recent promising results
from the Ministry of Defense’s Tank Dog program, which has proven beyond a
shadow of a doubt that an unstoppable fighting force of canine firepower can be
raised once the ‘distracted by squirrel’ issues are sorted out. Putin would
simply like to take this moment to allow NATO the chance to surrender before
the ballistic missile deployment of milk bones begins.
·
Despite some other reports, Defense Minister
Sergei Shoigu’s recent
trip to the front lines was not yet another escape attempt, as he was at
all times equipped with an AirTag for prompt location, a toddler leash held by
loyal FSB agents, and a remotely controlled vibrating butt plug because
Corporal Yevgeny thought it was funny. Instead, this trip was intended as a
morale-building exercise for the troops, who would be able to see with their
very own eyes the man who would be blamed for their upcoming useless deaths by
artillery fire. Following his trip, the remotely controlled vibrating butt plug
was removed and issued to the 117th Bicycle Brigade as a memento to
commemorate the occasion.
·
There is no truth to any claims of partisan
activity in Melitopol. While is correct to say that a vehicle containing two
members of the Special Services did recently undergo an unscheduled Fire And
Deconstruction Event, and that some injuries may have occurred, please remember
that spontaneous eruptions of joy emanating from the fuel tank are a listed
feature on the 2023 Lada Granta. *Explosion in background* Ah, it seems my
chauffer has arrived!
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Claims by Western media sources that the Russian
defense industry is ineffective at arming our soldiers are simply based on a
complete misunderstanding of Russian culture. ‘Sistema,’ which is commonly
thought in the west to be a system of mafia-like criminal loyalty similar to the
Cosa Nostra, the Yakuza, or the Trump family, is more correctly translated as
‘tupperware’ which is of course a valuable product for stretching a family’s
food supplies by preserving leftovers. This frugality extends throughout all of
Russia, where even the most powerful oligarchs prevent fraud and waste by
reserving a small bit of everything that passes through their fingers. In the
context of our military forces, this means that each and every soldier is armed
with the best hand-forged armaments and armor that the fires of Orthanc can
produce.
·
In related news, the administration of BlyaatLand has issued a statement
condemning the theft of the Log Flume ride, saying that whoever took the 1,200
foot concrete structure overnight needs to put it back, and requests that
miscreants behind this crime think of the poor park attendants who are now
forced to throw riders on logs into the giant spinning sawmill blade by hand.
It is hoped that this situation will be resolved swiftly.
·
Plans to reduce oil exports to the West as
punishment for their involvement in the Special Military Operation in Ukraine
have highlighted the need to use the unsold oil in some form of economic
endeavor, as storage facilities will fill over time and if the wells are
stopped, it’s anyone’s guess if they can be started up again. To this end, the
Finance Ministry has partnered with Stars Coffee to develop a festive
petroleum-based drink for the holidays, to be marketed as ‘Exxon Valdez Spice
Lattes.’ Available in Blyaat, Blyaaaat, and Cyka Blyaat sizes, this new Christmas
holiday tradition will warm hearts and souls through the cold winter months.
Please drink responsibly and keep away from open flames.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
In an attempt to rid himself of the ghosts of
Christmas Past, Present, and Future which keep showing up every Christmas Eve
and foolishly attempting to teach him humility and love of his fellow man,
Vladimir Putin last night had his restored 1963 Lada Granta fitted with a flux
capacitor and attempted to change the past. Upon achieving the desired speed of
one hundred and sixty-four kilometers per hour, however, his beloved Lada
suffered a tragic temporal dislocation of the carburetor and exploded, sending
shrapnel throughout known history. Next year, Putin vows to construct a hot tub
capable of bending space-time and hunting down those ghosts for good. Or evil,
one of the two. Either way, he’s not gonna buy a turkey for those worthless
Cratchits.
·
Fire Artist Ivan Ivanovitch’s latest
exhibition in an unregistered home for the elderly has drawn criticism from
some quarters, who point to the growing tally of dead throughout Russia. While
some military minds correctly point out that the apparent goal of creating more
dead Russians is adequately served in the Special Military Operation in
Ukraine, others have suggested the value of not burning down ammunition supply
dumps, refineries, or factories needed for wartime production. The debate
continues.
·
Last night’s heartwarming Blyaat the Caat Christmas Special in which the lovable and
hideously inebriated rogue Jon hitched a dozen sickly alpacas stolen from a
Moscow veterinary clinic to his taxi and attempted to shoot down Santa Claus
has been nominated for a network award based on the viewership numbers. Over
six million horribly traumatized Russian children watched the wacky hijinks of
Jon, his cat, and his pet unexploded bomb as he dropped dead underage
prostitutes down chimneys all over the world. The producers of the program wish
everyone a Merry Christmas, and hope that everyone is lucky enough to be gifted
their own dead hookers by Blyaat Claus.
In further corrections
to official Russian government statements:
·
Any rumors that Chief of the General Staff General
Valery Gerasimov suffered an injury to his penis are false. While he was
lightly injured by shrapnel while visiting the front, and while the injury was
located in his upper thigh close to his genitals, doctors at Moscow Central
Hospital have reported that his manhood has not been reduced or removed by
enemy action. He was put into surgery immediately on arrival at the hospital
and was cared for by the best surgeons which could be found in the bar, which
unfortunately was having a buy-one-get-one-free sale on bottles of bathtub
vodka. Additional issues in records keeping did also result in a minor mixup
where his case was accidentally switched with that of a person scheduled for an
aggressive circumcision procedure, but all told, General Gerasimov has survived
to fight another day. Memorial services for his penis will be held next
Thursday.
·
Reports that multiple aircraft were damaged in
the recent attack on the Engels air base are false. While injuries have been
reported from falling debris, several of the planes simply took to the sky on
their own accord due to an excess of happiness. Tupolev, the manufacturers of
the Tu-95MS Bear and the Tu-160 Blackjack stationed at the base, have begun
work on an emergency software patch designed to prevent this in the future by
tracking down and removing any remaining instances of joy that might be still
lurking in the code base.
·
As of last night, there have been no Kaiju
attacks on the Kuril Islands, and Mecha Baba Yaga is still believed to be in
Sleep Mode at the bottom of the Black Sea. There is currently no evidence that
it is attempting to mate with the wreckage of the heavy cruiser Moskva.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov’s recent
ultimatum to Ukraine was not, as some Western pundits might claim, simply a
delusional outburst from a man blinded by his own Ministry’s propaganda and
unwilling to face the fact that the Glorious Russia Armed Forces have been
reduced to scratch formations of rebellious conscripts equipped with antiquated
gear who are marching towards a futile annihilation. Rather, Minister Lavrov’s
unfortunate lycanthropic condition has caused him to shapeshift into a
were-sloth for the week, and as all know, sloths have poor memory and eyesight
which prevents them from noticing the parallels between the current moment and
the 1917 Russian Army collapse which led to the Bolshevik Revolution. Lavrov
will be attended by his physicians and fed a supply of tree leaves until he
slowly recovers.
·
This week’s episode of the groundbreaking
science fiction program Tsar Trek,
titled ‘Miri’ has been called an avant-garde masterpiece and awarded the Ministry
of Truth’s highest award for creative fiction. Many viewers were confused at
how the Tsar Ship Suvrovov could find
an island off the coast of Portugal that was identical to Moscow in every way
and inhabited by feral children, a major plot point that was never actually
explained but was the impetus for Captain Kirkovitch to shrug and move on due
to the lack of anything worth looting on the island. As this only took five
minutes of screen time, the rest of the episode was filled with surreal imagery
after the crew dropped acid and wandered around the ship masturbating
constantly. The writers group plans to celebrate by dropping even more acid to
write next week’s script.
·
In followup news, the log flume ride stolen from
BlyaatLand has been recovered and
will be put back into operation as soon as it can be repaired. Sadly, however,
all of the tools required to repair the machinery have now been stolen. An
investigation is ongoing, and suspicion currently rests on the police officers
who originally responded to the report of the stolen log flume ride. The police
investigating the stolen tools have taken notes and quite a few other things
which didn’t belong to them, prompting another call to the police. We will
update this story as it continues.
·
In further corrections to previous corrections
to official Russian government statements, it turns out that it was Dmitry
Rogozin and not Valery Gerasimov who suffered the unfortunate artillery-based
penis removal. In an attempt to set the record straight and demonstrate this
channel’s dedication to bringing you the truth, an artillery shell will now be
detonated between Gerasimov’s legs in a medical procedure designed to bring
order to the cosmos. We apologize for any inconvenience.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
With Dmitry Medvedev’s predictions
for 2023 in place, we here at Russia One Television have sent our intern
Volodya out onto the streets to see what Muscovites believe the New Year will
hold. Let’s go to the tape:
Yevgeny, Car Salesman: 2023 will be the
year of the Lada! We may even have some for sale!
Svetlana, Imaginary Weather Girl: Oh, I
hope I get my boobs back from the pawn shop!
Fire Artist Ivan Ivanovitch: I dunno, but
it’s gonna be . . . hot! *Lights match*
Sergey Shoigu, Defense Minister: Don’t look
at me, I’m trying to escape!
GAAGR’ATHA,
the Eldritch Nuclear Goat: I fully expect the political situation to stabilize
and the stock market to rapidly improve once the Special Military Operation in
Ukraine is resolved, and that’s why I’m investing in Babushka’s Backdoor shares. Luxury stocks are always winners when
peacetime comes around, remember. PETOHOLRAYN!
*Screams of horror*
And
there you have it, folks. Remember, there’s still just a few days to lock in
your predictions for the new year, so let’s all hope for a good one where we
actually have edible food and people aren’t arbitrarily thrown out of windows .
. . not that that’s, uh, happening to anyone. Moving on!
·
The Glorious Nation of Russia, no longer content
to sit idly by while corrupt Western nations place price caps on our sweet,
sweet oil, has now decreed a ban
on selling them any oil at all as revenge. While some pundits and
traitorous fifth columnists may wonder how the amazing Russian economy can continue
to exist by only selling oil at kopecks on the ruble to China and India, the
truth is simply that the Ministry of Finance has planned to move all commercial
activity over to the alternate-reality BlyaatVerse
created by Mark Zuckerberg. It is hoped that fictional jobs, fictional pay, and
fictional food can take the place of our economy, which honestly is mostly fiction
now anyway.
·
In followup news, the potentially nonexistent
Disco Ball which was and was not hanging underneath the Crimean bridge after it
was or was not exploded and then did or did not gain sentience through a
loophole in logical impossibility has retired from its slam poetry tour and
decided to embark upon a new career as a quantum privateer. It has been issued
formal letters of marque from the Russian Admiralty and reportedly plans and
does not plan to attack very small ships in the Black Sea. We at this station
wish it luck, success, and look forward to seeing it force our enemies to walk
the Planck.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Any rumors that the latest missile barrage
targeting Kyiv is simply a propaganda exercise are false. Precision guided
munitions such as the Tamagotchi-controlled VATNIK-1 or the VATNIK-II missiles
powered by stolen windows phones smuggled into Russia by a brave and flexible babushka
are too valuable to waste on mere opinion campaigns, and the Glorious Nation of
Russia would never stoop to broadcasting any kind of mind control at all. And
now, a quick word from our sponsor:
♪Let’s
all die in Crimea, let’s all die in Crimea, let’s all die in Crimea, for
Glorious Motherland! ♪
·
Despite some claims, Vladimir Putin is not the spiritual
reincarnation of Shai-hulud, even if there is a strong chance of his body being
introduced to worms in the near future.
·
The Ministry of Defense has today issued a statement
reaffirming the policy of central control, in which all orders given to our
troops are designed with equality and justice no matter where the those
soldiers might be from. While some complaints have been heard regarding the allocation
of resources, ammunition, food, fuel, or other equipment, Army High Command
wishes all soldiers to know that they have been sent into harm’s way with the
bare minimum that could make it through the endemic corruption of our military and
that no units are being singled out for persecution. Except for the 117th
conscript battalion, because fuck those guys. Hope you enjoy charging tanks
with only sharp sticks, assholes!
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Claims that Britain has delivered ‘kits’ to
Ukraine in order to detect and defuse mimes simply reflect that nation’s poor
grasp of modern military technology. As all students of the art of war know, in
proper usage, a squad of mimes is deployed by light truck and sent into the area
of operation as a team, from which individual mimes may self-select to locate
and destroy enemy ordnance. Explosives may be utilized as well as invisible
boxes, ropes, or . . . *touches earpiece* . . . I’m being told there might be a
slight mistranslation with this story. We will have this corrected and return
to this topic later.
·
In other corrections, previously reporting which
mentioned a private Yevgeny Yevgenovitch and his love of Pokémon incorrectly
stated that he had actually caught them all. In fact, private Yevgenovitch was
referring to this collection of sexually transmitted diseases. His Pokémon
cards have been sent to an incinerator to be thoroughly cleansed and memorial
services will be held for him next Thursday. We hope that this will serve as a
warning for any other soldiers making a habit of selecting random conscripts
for forcible sex while yelling ‘Prostitute! I choose you!’
· The Ministry of Truth today has awarded its highest honor for valor in the service of unbelievable falsehoods to American Congressman George Santos, if that’s actually his name. This upstanding example of creative falsification stands as an illustration of all that our agents claim to hope to be, and his unswerving dedication to dishonesty is a shining light of darkness which all can look up to. He will be awarded a commemorative Prevarication Plaque and a prize of one million rubles, and we can’t wait to see the look on his face when he finds out we’re lying. Hah!
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
In science news, an unfortunate resonance
cascade scenario has taken place due to simultaneous reporting of the Schrödinger’s
Disco Ball which was or was not hanging under the Crimean Bridge and the
further correction of the correction of the story regarding Dmitry Rogozin’s
severed penis. This has apparently manifested in a stable time loop centered
around this broadcast booth, with the unfortunate results that the Disco Ball
is now locked in a eternal struggle to prevent entropy from reversing and
unraveling the universe and that we at the studio are now plagued with an
endlessly replicating plague of penises. Penii. Penexes? What’s the plural for
that? Shit, one just climbed into my coffee cup. I don’t think you can just
wash that out.
·
The Ministry of Finance today has issued a stark
warning to all Russian army service members that while they are considered
exempt from taxes when on deployment in the Special Military Operation in Ukraine,
they cannot also be declared as dependents of any other person filing taxes.
While this is not typically an issue in normal tax years, the requirements for manpower
have resulting in Russian men as young as six months of age being given
emergency conscription notices and issued rifles, body armor, and tactical
diapers. So please, when you file your taxes this year, keep this in mind if
your son was ripped from his crib and sent to the front. We wouldn’t want
anything bad to happen to anyone!
·
Corporate management at Tasty Period have issued
a stark warning for earnings for the first quarter of Fiscal Year 2023 due to
an ongoing series of lawsuits and class action suits based around the
newly-released Blyaat Burger. While
sales of the “See Food™ Burger with Tartar Sauce” remain strong, numerous cases
of poisoning, blindness, and demonic possession are still reported among those
brave and adventurous enough to ingest the twitching, reddish substance which
is purportedly Moscow Sewer Lobster. Specialists from St. Petersburg Eldritch
University are investigating and hope to identify a valid exorcism condiment
which can be used in place of tartar sauce, but until then, the controversy is
expected to impact overall profits. We will have more on this story as it
develops.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
While many in the decadent West may celebrate
today as New Year’s Day, Vladimir Putin has decreed that henceforth Glorious
Russia will abide by the Putanic Calendar and celebrate the New Year on next
Tuesday, or as it is now known, the First of Vladuary. In this new calendar,
each ten-day-period will be known as a ‘wibbley’ and every six-wibbley span
will be referred to as a ‘wob,’ with the exception of every third wob which has
an additional half wibbley, and every eighth wibbley wob won’t. Putin has also
decreed that every New Wobbly Day will be celebrated by a ceremonial Snorting
of the Meth and a traditional Truffle Shuffle. Calendar and clock makers across
Russia will today be attempting to create timepieces for this system, and
probably contemplating the sweet release of death.
·
The sad news of yesterday’s loss of ex-pope Benedict XVI has spurred calls for rapprochement with the
Catholic Church within the Russian Orthodox Community, although Patriarch
Kirill is unlikely to act upon them without some form of sign from the current
Catholic Pope, sources say. While Patriarch Kirill is willing to discuss
matters of faith, the Catholic church’s white smoke/black smoke based
communications protocol falls far below the bandwidth needed to properly
interface with Kirill’s IEEE 802.15.1 implementation of the Bluetooth
short-range wireless network. Attempts to install a USB port in Pope Francis,
in the hopes of at least getting a Bluetooth adapter in place, have so far been
unsuccessful.
·
In product safety news, a recently imported line
of kiddie pools has been recalled, the Kremlin Consumer Safety board has now
said. These small inflatable pools intended for small children and marketed in
the West as ‘Little Tyke’s First Abattoir’ should be immediately deflated and
returned to the place of origin due to the presence of lead, pagan symbols, small
metal shavings which might cause injury, goat blood, and elder signs depicting
the unspeakable name of the horror behind the walls of time which lurks and
capers demanding chaos. According to experts from St. Petersburg Eldritch
University, there is no danger of any unholy gibbering madness breaking its way
into this universe to destroy all reason and sanity, but just to be safe these
pools should not be used for any purpose at all. And for the love of god, don’t
put any bizarre alcohol and caffeine based concoctions in it, because the
results would be completely unpredictable. *Chuckles* Well, I guess it’s a good
thing no one would do that, right? *Touches earpiece* Blyaaat
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
It has come to our attention the some are
questioning the military wisdom of housing hundreds of newly raised conscripts
in a school-turned-barracks in Makiivka alongside two hundred tons of
ammunition, hundreds of rocket artillery shells, several fifty-five gallon barrels
of nitroglycerin, sixteen tons of ancient and unstable dynamite, two American
Pinto automobiles, and hundreds of vintage electrical components from Britain’s
notoriously fire-prone Lucas Electric. However, according to a recent
communique from the Ministry of Defense, these soldiers were training to take
place in the traditional Soviet-era ‘Rain of Fire’ dance, which is according to
custom is performed just prior to a successful rocket launch into space, and as
such all propellants stored locally and in some cases under conscript’s beds
were absolutely needed. It is with great pride that the Ministry of Defense
reports that many of those conscripts did, in fact, make into space.
·
In
follow-up news, St. Petersburg Eldritch University has investigated ‘See Food™’
‘meat’ which is purportedly ‘Moscow
Sewer Lobster’ in Tasty Period’s new BlyaatBurger
and found that it has no occult connections whatsoever to any extradimensional
beings not of our reality. Any reports of demonic possession following eating a
BlyaatBurger must therefore be wholly
natural and related to the perfectly normal spirits of the damned who howl and
haunt the subterranean passages in our fair city. The researchers have gone on
to suggest investing in Tesla stocks and that WWE Wrestling is not at all
faked. *Looks at paper* . . . which is not reassuring.
·
This week’s episode of the ground-breaking
science fiction program on Russia One Television, Tsar Trek, titled ‘Dagger of the Mind’ places Captain Kirkovitch,
Spockula, Scottyeva, and Chekov in a philosophical bind when they are trapped
in a penal colony on a deserted island and forced to make a terrible decision.
Tortured with the knowledge that the only way to escape involves pouring their
last bottle of vodka into the engine of their shuttle boat, can they summon the
strength to waste this delicious alcohol instead of drinking it? Tune in
tonight at nine to see this and other mind-bending questions such as ‘Why is
Spockula wearing a tutu?’ ‘Can you actually fuel a coal powered boiler with alcohol?’
and ‘How did they get the drug-fueled orgy scene past the censors this time?’
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
While much hay has been made in Western media
regarding the recent ‘life is highly overrated’ quote
from Russian media personality Vladimir Solovyov, this simply represents yet
one more way in which the rich cultural heritage of our proud nation is misunderstood
by the bourgeois forces who work to restrain us. Yes, it is true that in times
of hardship many Russians will patriotically give their lives for their
leader’s grandiose delusions, and many more will heroically march into a
burning meat grinder based on nothing more than the fact that Russian generals
are too drunk and incompetent to issue any other orders. It is also true that
Russians will gladly send their children to certain death in exchange for the
promise of a new Lada, but what is overlooked is that life in Russia is a
grueling, bleak hardship caused by our psychopathic overlords in order to
facilitate their theft of everything not nailed down. In such a state, would
not you in the West be on the best of terms with the friendly Grim Reaper himself?
I thought so.
·
In further existential crisis news, the stable
time loop which had been centered on this broadcast studio due our coverage of Schrödinger’s
Disco Ball and Dmitry Rogozin’s severed penis has been closed, and no further
threats to the nature of reality can be expected from this quarter. In a freak
space-time accident, Svetlana the Imaginary Weather Girl was brought face to
face with her Mirror Universe twin, and the two mutually annihilated with
enough explosive force to bring the time loop to a close. She will live on in
our imaginations, which honestly is where she came from in the first place. The
plague of crawling severed penises has been cleaned up by vermin control, and
the quantum Disco Ball was last seen rocketing into space from the explosion at
a velocity recorded by Roscosmos as being even greater than that of a T-72
turret on liftoff. We do not know where the Disco Ball is now, but at least we
know how fast it was going.
·
In other news, the initial reports from St.
Petersburg Eldritch University regarding Tasty Period’s new BlyaatBurger made with ‘See Food™’ meat
ostensibly from ‘Moscow Sewer Lobster’ have been contradicted by a study from
the Occult University of Volgograd, who claim that the palpitating flesh
registers a higher reading on PKE meters than even observed during the
undersea, unexplained mass sponge migration recorded by Dr. Ray Stantz. While
they do not yet offer any conclusions, they suggest caution when approaching a BlaatBurger and recommend avoiding the
‘Bolshevik Sauce’ altogether. We will have more on this story as it develops.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Yevgeny Prigozhin, the head of the mercenary
group Wagner, has today released
a statement explaining his force’s failure to capture the city of Bakhmut
after months of conflict. Claiming that the Armed Forces of Ukraine have turned
every building into a fortress which requires weeks of extensive fighting to
take, he further states that his troops have been held back by the lack of
supplies needed to effectively push forward in the clown-based squad tactics
adapted by his troops. The ongoing shortage of red noses, floppy shoes, and
water squirting flowers has been exacerbated due to the fact that all
thirty-seven of his most experienced logistics officers were killed in a single
clown car explosion when a drone dropped a grenade on a brightly painted Lada,
and additionally by the fact that huge numbers of clown supplies have been used
up by the American Republicans in the House of Representatives.
·
Breathless reports by Western media claiming
that Vladimir
Putin is on the very edge of death and kept alive only by the skill of his
doctors are completely without merit. While he is attended by his physicians at
all times, he is still in the best of health and is in no way being fitted into
a massive cybernetic throne using ancient biomechanical energy dating to the
Dark Age of Technology which is no longer understood yet will maintain his
psychic energy even should his body begin to decay. He does in fact have a very
nice toilet and bidet combo on which he spends a great deal of time, but that
technology is well understood.
·
In related news, the crew of the Heavy Cruiser Moskva are still dead.
·
While the American NASA has claimed they are in
a new
Space Race with China, the decadent West has yet to realize that they are
racing for a distant second place following Glorious Russia’s latest moon
landing. In a daring journey across space, Cosmonauts Yuri and Yevgeny have
both landed in Mare Imbrium following the HIMARS strikes in Makiivka which
exploded their barracks-slash-ammo dump on New Year’s Day. We wish both the
Americans and the Chinese equal success in their endeavors to catch up with us,
even if they’re still preoccupied with that totally unnecessary ‘survival’ part
of space exploration.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Any groundless fears that the recent call for
all male Belarussian citizens between the ages of 18 to sixty years old to report to
enlistment offices to clarify their data are simply an administrative
procedure that will absolutely not result in anyone being knocked over the head
with a sandbag and shanghaied to the Ukraine front. There is no danger
whatsoever, and any concerns that a military-age male citizen may feel can
certainly be allayed by simply speaking to a recruitment officer, preferably
not the one that’s holding the sandbag.
·
Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved
children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat in
which the titular diseased and festering feline ejected a spray of worms and
liquid feces in the U.S. Capitol Rotunda, blinding the Representatives and
preventing them from electing a Speaker, was not a comment on the political
failures on the part of the Americans to form a government. Rather, this was a
coded message to our operatives to tell them to keep doing good work. Keep it
up, guys! You’re making us look good!
·
The Ministry of Kaiju Defense has today issued a
statement declaring that there continues to be no Mecha Baba Yaga activity in
the Kuril Islands.
·
A scientific analysis of Tasty Period’s new
offering, the BlyaatBurger, has
identified a number of occult chants and otherworldly intonations in the
commercial jingle that the corporation is using to promote it, which may
explain the cases of demonic possession and sudden, horrific mutations
experienced by some customers. Specifically, the chant “Two See-Food™ patties,
special sauce, lettuce, cheese, feast on the souls on the damned on a sesame
seed bun” does not appear to abide by any rules of lyrical timing and may, if
repeated too often, open a portal to a hellish dimension filled with nightmare
beings currently employed in the Tasty Period corporate advertising department.
Research will continue after the scientists break for lunch.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Rumors that the Russian Navy’s Flagship Admiral Kuznetsov is suffering from
frame rot, hull deterioration, flight deck flagging, extradimensional
barnacles, or a prolapsed drive shaft are completely incorrect. While there has
been some minor maintenance performed on the exterior of the vessel, and while
it has recently
caught fire, had a trivial zombie outbreak, was briefly a hive of rust
monsters, and spent some small amount of time caught in a Philadelphia Experiment type partial temporal inversion resulting
in a pterodactyl infestation on the lower decks, it is in perfect working order
and able to serve proudly as Russia’s aircraft carrier, at least as soon as the
flight deck can somehow be retrieved from the Late Jurassic period.
·
News that the Americans will be sending Badley
Fighting Vehicles to Ukraine have filled the halls of the Ministry of Defense
with laughter, sources say, as Army High Command considers Russia to be the
world’s supreme manufacturer of weapons systems that fight badly. In fact, some of our newest tanks, such as
the T-15 Armata, run so badly that *touches earpiece* . . . Shit. *whispers* Look, I just come up here and read what you write, don’t blame that one
on me! Get your names straight! Moving on.
·
In economic news, stock prices of both the
luxury brand Babushka’s Backdoor and
the St. Petersburg based pharmaceutical conglomerate ‘PeterPills’ have
skyrocketed in late trading after Wagner Group owner Yevgeny Prigozhin was
found passed out and face down in a Moscow snow bank wearing only a Babushka’s Backdoor Signature Burlap
Crotchless Thong and a pair of deer antlers that had been glued to his
buttocks. The famous lingerie brand has seen interest spike in their line of fine
Kamchatkan-made unmentionables and sales of PeterPills’ ‘Pizdets’ brand eye
bleach have gone through the roof. FSB investigators are now working with
Moscow State Hospital in an attempt at removing the deer antlers and possibly
finding out where they came from.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Reports that the nefarious Ukrainians refuse to
take part in Putin’s plan to unilaterally break a ceasefire, by refusing to
take part in said ceasefire, have only served to increase the determination of
Army High Command to implement a cease fire in order to open fire again. To
this end, the general staff has issued a four-point bulletin instructing all
operational groups to stockpile large supplies of ammunition and supplies as
preparation for not using them, and to use all available reconnaissance
resources available to mark and identify the targets at which they will not be
shooting until they start shooting again.
While hopes are low that the Armed Forces of Ukraine will join us in
this next cease-fire we intend to break, commanders on the ground have still
sent messages of peace and reconciliation toward our enemies by rocket
artillery fire.
·
Tonight’s winning numbers in the Moscow Lottery
are 1 - 7 - 17 – 23 - 49. If you have those numbers, congratulations, you are
exempt from conscription for this week! Everyone else is ordered to report to
the nearest recruitment center immediately.
·
While some military academics may take the
mistaken impression that Dmitry Rogozin’s diplomatic overture to France, in
which he presented
the shrapnel which removed his penis to the French ambassador, might have
backfired, the Foreign Ministry has however disagreed. It is true that France
has since begun sending light armored combat vehicles to Ukraine, each of which
possesses more firepower than any of our heavy armor. However, one must not
overlook the positive benefit to the esprit
de corps which our fighting troops now feel knowing that their leaders
suffer the same fate as they. To this end Rogozin will be staked in an open
field and blasted with howitzers to improve troop morale, if not his own.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
While many short-sighted NATO commanders may
wonder why we Russians are sending hundreds to untrained conscripts to their
inevitable explosive doom in the city of Bakhmut, Yevgeny Prigozhin—the leader
of the Wager group responsible for this area of military operations—has now
deigned to share his vision of the conflict with the world. Rather than
attempting to achieve some short-sighted and ephemeral actual military victory
Wagner is attempting
to locate and capture the legendary underground city of Khazad-Gopnik,
which legend holds was once the stronghold of the Vodka Dwarves before they
delved too greedily and too deep and awoke the sleeping Gopnik of Fire, a demon
from the ancient world. It is hoped that Prigozhin’s troops may yet storm the
darkest unlit Underdeeps and steal the secret of Fire Vodka which will allow
their troops to survive the cold of winter unharmed. *Touches earpiece* I’m
being told that the foremost echelons of the Wagner Group assault have found
that that the enemy has a cave troll. Huh, hopefully they will be able to
challenge it in a dance off.
·
In other conflict zone news, reports that the
Armed Forces of Ukraine have successfully trained a platoon of combat rabbits
as snipers and employed them to obliterate an entire conscript battalion are
not entirely accurate, sources say. While some casualties have been reported by
a squad who were sent to investigate the Beast of Caerbannog, the majority of
the deaths were in fact caused by inaccurate counting while attempting to
employ the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. Notes have been made by Army High
Command, and all new conscripts will be trained to count to at least five.
Three, I mean three.
·
It is with a heavy heart that I must report that
both hosts of the award-winning Russia One program Things You Can Probably Eat With Yakov and Yegor have sadly met
their demise during the filming of their latest episode, ‘Bears: Eat or Not
Eat?’ While few of the production crew were able to outrun Yakov and Yegor and
survive the bear attack, a second expedition was able to recover the footage
and the episode will air tonight at nine with the hosts replaced by last-minute
CGI. A new reality series will air starting next week, Who Can Eat Things and Run Faster than Bear in the hopes of finding new hosts to finish
out the season.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Breaking News: Investigations by a crack team of
occult specialists from St. Petersburg Eldritch University into the reports of
mutated Moscow Sewer Lobsters have uncovered a strange, teratogenic influence
seeping down into the Chthonic depths of the Moscow underworld. While the
ultimate source of this corruption has not yet been discovered, it is known
that it manifests as strange hybrid animals possessing traits of multiple sewer
species, such as the Lobster Duck, Lobster Spider, Lobster Alpaca, or Lobster
Gremlin. Suspicion currently rests on the effluent from the Tasty Period Meat
Packing Plant, but reliable sources also point to the huge amount of completely
weird shit that’s been flushed into the sewers over the past year, namely roe
from the extradimensional entity known as Ska'naag or 'It which devours
by claw,' Morlocks, imitation Sea Monkey starter kits, Alpaca spawn from Sergey
Lavrov’s lycanthropic episodes, and ‘Princess Olga,’ Putin’s stained and
sentient anime body pillow. The investigation continues and we will continue to
update this story as it develops.
·
In
propaganda news, the Ministry of Truth wishes to correct any misunderstandings
that the West may have with some of our statements. While the so-called
“fact-checkers” may hold up a lack of evidence as somehow being ‘proof’ that
some of our declarations may not be grounded in reality, the truth on the
ground is not dependent upon their acceptance of what may or may not have been
a thing that actually happened. We go now to our special correspondent on
universal truth, Schrödinger’s Disco Ball:
DISCO BALL: Hi, folks! Glad to be back or
not back after saving the concept of reality from unravelling after it may or
may not have come into contact with an antimatter Mirror Universe, and I can
tell you or not that it’s great to be here if I am! As everyone knows, in this
universe driven by quantum uncertainty, you can’t ever know anything for
certain, so just listen to the Ministry of Truth and everything will be A-OK!
Thanks, Disco Ball. And that’s a lesson we
can all live with or not.
·
In
other completely factual news, the crew of the Heavy Cruiser Moskva are still dead. *Adjusts glasses*
Well, that’s a wrap for today! Let’s hit the bar, Disco Ball!
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
While some reports may claim that the majority
of conscripted Russian soldiers are sent to the front with minimal training, this
point of view ignores the grueling training program offered to new pilots of
the still-in-development Giant Combat Robot program. Seen here in this never
before released video from Ministry of Defense, two students practice piloting
controlling huge battle machines in one on one combat which will teach them the
skills they will need to overcome any enemy they may face in Toys’R’Us stores
across the globe.
·
This week’s episode of the groundbreaking
science fiction television series Tsar
Trek, titled ‘The Corbomite maneuver’ pits Captain Kirkovitch and the Tsar
Ship Suvrovov against a pitiless
enemy. The crew of the Suvrovov,
blinded and driven mad by a bad batch of bathtub vodka must outwit and outplay
a large rock that stands in their path before they crash into it and sink. Can
Captain Kirkovitch resist the charms of the Ship’s Goat? Can Chekov sober up in
time to turn the wheel? Can Mr. Spockula unravel the secret of the doorknob to
let him out of the distillery room? Find out tonight at nine O’clock Moscow
Central Time!
·
Reports that the Flagship of the Russian Navy,
the aircraft carrier Admiral Kuznetsov
has become so
dilapidated that it risks sinking should it ever leave dry dock are false,
according to the Navy High Command. While it is true that minor leaks have
sprung due to careless maintenance, and while there may still be pterodactyls
infesting the lower decks due to previous temporal displacement issues, the
military-grade spackle and Bondo™ holding the hull together has been recently
given an entirely new coat of Flex-Seal™ and is expected to be completely
seaworthy and able to resume flight operations in the coming weeks. When the Admiral Kusnetsov once again puts to
sea, he will strike fear into the hearts of our enemies whenever they see the
giant plume of black smoke and circling vultures on the horizon!
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Western media reports that the volume of
artillery fire from Russian units has dropped off are not wholly inaccurate,
but they paint an incomplete picture, a spokesman for the Ministry of Defense
has today said. The new General of the Artillery Corps, Vladimir Smegovoya, who
was appointed by his father to this position as a way to get his teenage son
out of the house, has decreed new priorities for the Corps and as such outgoing
fire will be restricted to only targeting houses where his Ukrainian ex-girlfriend
might conceivably be making out with her new boyfriend. While some military
observers have questioned the effectiveness of this campaign, his father has
stated ‘at least it keeps the little shit from moping around my headquarters
all the goddamn time.’ At press time, the General of the Artillery Corps was
seen crying into his pillow and cutting himself.
·
Despite previous reporting, BlyaatLand will not be holding a special celebratory night where
all rides are open and free to any surviving crewmembers of the heavy cruiser Moskva, for obvious reasons.
·
Ongoing research by specialists from St. Petersburg
Occult University have identified what they believe is the source of the
mutagenic compounds detected in the Moscow Sewers and have tracked the substance
back to the toilets of the Kremlin. According to unholy writings in the eldritch
grimoire known as the Lobsternomicon, inked in the blood of madmen and bound
with human flesh, the nightmarish substance is produced “from the Bowels of the
Tortured Damned Who Howl in Agony as they Poop.” While the exact source remains
unknown . . . *screams of pain in the distance* . . . researchers suggest that
Vladimir Putin should avoid the Kremlin cafeteria’s enchiladas for the time
being.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
In spite of reports by bungling Western media
sources, President Putin has placed General Gerasimov in charge of the Special
Military Operation in Ukraine not, as some Western sources claim, due to any dissatisfaction
with the military effort so far but instead to allow promotion for Sergei
Surovkin as a reward for his loyal service. In a speech at the Legion of Doom yesterday
Putin announced that Surovkin will be honored with the rank of Marshal and
placed in charge of the Russian Army food service meat grinder division, a role
traditionally given to loyal generals in recognition of their past accomplishments.
In his new role Marshal Surovkin will be given the traditional Marshal’s Meat
Hat, the ceremonial Silver Cleaver, and a final shove into the grinder.
Memorial services will be held next Thursday.
·
Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved
children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat,
in which the hilariously drunken and reprobate taxi driver Jon snorted bath
salts and claimed to be a Nobel prize winning ass physicist named Santos before
being elected to the United States House of Representatives was not a coded
message to our agents sowing discord in the American government. This was
instead an earnest plea to all nations to investigate this previously
unexplored branch of the physical sciences.
·
In an unfortunate turn of events, the occult
specialists from St. Petersburg Eldritch University investigating the toxic
effluent from the Kremlin’s toilets accidentally redirected the flow of
mutagenic sewage towards the Kremlin conference room, with the tragic results
that the nest of Oompa Loompas which had taken up residence in Putin’s giant
conference table were completely sprayed with otherworldly nastiness from our
president’s nether regions. As the Oompa Loompas were performing their
customary song and dance routine mocking Putin’s decision making, the foul
spray took immediate effect. Scientists are now studying the Oompa Lobsters in
an attempt to find out if they can be eaten without ill effects.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
All citizens, please note: any panicked reports
of an army of lobsters forming in the Moscow Sewers, hellbent on the
eradication of mankind and fueled with fury after their kind has been harvested
too long for Tasty Period’s “See Food™” BlyaatBurger
are simply exaggerations of the scope of the threat. While it is true that the
team from St. Petersburg Eldritch University were in fact torn limb from limb
by a monstrous horde of mutated Oompa Lobsters, and while it is true that the
army has lost control of the Tasty Period meat packing plant, no further
threats are expected to our fine city. Praise Lobster!
·
Reports that cynical Western sources are
planning to rebrand M1 Abrams tanks as Sport Utility
Vehicles are simply a ploy to avoid public outcry and, even more embarrassingly
for the West, are simply a bad copy of a superior Russian Army plan to rebrand untrained
conscripts as highly trained VDV paratroopers. As the combat airdrop over Bakhmut
yesterday failed as all conscripts plunged screaming to their deaths due to the
equally untrained pilot flying his plane directly into the Black Sea, which was
possibly related to the also untrained ground crew neglecting to actually fuel
the plane, it is fully expected that these new Sport Utility Vehicles will
suffer an equal fate.
·
Reports that Patriarch Kirill of the Orthodox
Church has necromantically reanimated the crew of the heavy cruiser Moskva in
order to crew the Admiral Kuznetsov are
false. Efforts on convincing him to necromantically reanimate the dead Admiral Kuznetsov are ongoing.
· In light of the Lobster threat, the producers of the new season of Things You Can Probably Survive Eating with Yevgeny and Yulia have decided to refocus their trademark “Surprise Ingredients” to simple, basic elements, and this week will begin with element one on the periodic table of the elements, Hydrogen. Yevgeny is planning a Hydrogen Egg Flambe and Yulia will be making a Hindenberg Pot Pie with thermite sauce and anguished cries of ‘Oh, the Humanity!’ High marks have already been given by network critics and the Moscow Fire Brigade is on standby.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
While some cynical observers may mention the
supposed slow speed of the Brown Garden Snail as it outpaces the advance of the
Russian army in the Special Military Operation in Ukraine, few care to remember
that the vicious Cornu aspersumis an
armored engine of destruction capable of destroying all plant matter in an
average garden or annihilating the fruit on a fruit tree within days. As such,
this terrifying predator has been chosen as the spirit animal of the 117th
Conscript Battalion, who have equipped themselves with large shells and
declared a holy crusade against tomato plants in the Bakhmut region. Never
again shall the enemy fear our inexorable progress unless they have salt or
something! *touches earpiece* What do you mean, Bakhmut has salt mines? Has
anyone told them? Huh. Moving on.
·
Reports that the United Kingdom plans to equip
Ukraine with Challenger tanks has raised howls of derisive laughter within the
halls of the Ministry of Defense, as analysts point to the outdated technology
of a vehicle from the 1980s and its operational history which is most famous
for exploding 73 seconds into flight over Cape Canaveral, Florida, due to NASA
incompetence. The so-called Space Shuttle Tank is of no match for the proud
Russian T-72, which can successfully and reliably launch a turret into low
earth orbit with just the application of a Javelin anti-tank missile. Our
military analysts have now embarked on a program to modernize the Leopard Tank
program at the Moscow zoo by outfitting the animals with explosive reactive
armor.
·
Any rumors that the Russian army is attempting
to win the Guinness World Record for the number of war crimes committed within
a single campaign are false. Vladimir Putin has decreed that he has enough
mentions in the Guinness Book of World Records already. As all citizens proud of their leader can
relate, he is the title-holder for the ‘highest free-standing jump while
holding a marmot and wearing a tutu,’ ‘most cockroaches inserted into a rectum
at one time,’ ‘most erotic pole dance on a conference table more than one
hundred feet long’ records. While he has so far declined to try for it, some
Russian oligarchs are reportedly planning to convince him to claim the ‘highest
fall out of a window onto polonium bullets while being sodomized by a badger’
record. We will update this story as it develops.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Trials of the new combat focused performance
enhancing drug created by the Ministry of Defense for our soldiers, codenamed
KRYLON, have concluded and will soon be deployed to front line units in handy
aerosol cans. While studies have not focused on any potential long-term effects
caused by huffing large quantities of paint and using firearms, machinery, or
explosives, it is expected that any negative health complications will simply
not matter for . . . various reasons. To celebrate this rollout, the Ministry
of Defense will be sending the first units equipped with KRYLON special
commemorative “WARRIORS” tee shirts.
·
Any claims by Western media sources of the
failing American Empire that the proud nation of Russia is attacking hospitals,
maternity wards, kindergartens, or day care facilities solely out of the desire
to commit war crimes are false. The Russian military is a finely tuned machine
capable of working towards multiple goals at any moment, and our intelligence
agents have informed the Ministry of Defense that these supposed places of
child care are in fact training centers where combat toddlers are given
training in the arts of modern warfare and are valid military targets. While
such programs have been trialed in Russia, they have not produced any soldiers
of markedly better performance than normal conscripts, and therefore our combat
toddlers have instead been trained as intelligence agents. As an aside, a
spokesman for the Ministry of Defense has confirmed that the war crimes are
simply a bonus.
·
This weekend’s ‘Ask Babushka’ advice column in
the Moscow Herald will be delayed slightly due to editorial concerns and the
fact that Olga Olgavulva, the babushka famed for giving her insightful advice
on love and life for over forty years, has suffered a minor injury while
attempting to shove a live bear into a meat grinder for her traditional Tefteli
with cream sauce recipe. She has taken a medicinal gallon of vodka and clubbed
all doctors away, so we can be sure she will be back next week with her beloved
‘If he cheats on you, cut his balls off and put them in a stew!’ tag line.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
The Ministry of Defense has recently issued a
statement declaring that the ‘Marker’
combat robot will soon be deployed to the front lines of the Special
Military Operation in Ukraine, which should be no surprise to informed
observers of the Russian military. As all students of the Frunze Military
Academy can relate, this move comes only after the mostly successful deployment
of the Huggie Bot, the somewhat heroic performance of the ‘Stabby’ combat
Roomba, and the probably excusable learning experience of the ‘Burner’
flamethrower-equipped Teddy Ruxpin unit. Researchers are even now looking past
the Marker units to develop the next generation of combat robots by studying
archival film footage of demonic spider train bots, which if nothing else
offers profound training on how to make money using almost nothing but clever
marketing and Unreal Asset Store item flips.
·
Reports that Vladimir Putin is seeking to
reframe the Special Military Operation in Ukraine as a long war of attrition
instead of a three-day march to victory comes on the heels of the realization
the operation is now almost in its eleventh month of marching to victory. As
some reverses are to be expected in any conflict, a wise general will study the
moment, read the situation, and adjust plans accordingly. In this vein, Putin
also plans to reframe his failed relationship with Viktor Lukashenko as a
four-year booty call, his long crying jag this morning as a tantric breathing
exercise, and the liquid shart he produced during his meeting with his generals
as a solid bowel movement.
·
This week’s episode of the groundbreaking
science fiction drama Tsar Trek,
titled: ‘The Menangerie’ forces Mr. Spockula to face his competing loyalties as
his previous captain Pikovitch, now wheelchair-bound and only able to burp ‘da’
or ‘nyet’ is abducted by customs officers attempting to seize the illegal
bathtub vodka on the Tsar Ship Suvrovov.
Can Captain Kirkovitch prevent his court martial? Can Scottyeva sober up enough
to get the dilithium boilers up to steam? Why is Chekov naked and humping the
ship’s goat in the Crow’s Nest? Find out the answers to these questions and
more, tonight at nine o’clock Moscow Time!
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Reports that a massive
explosion in an ammunition depot in Belgorod resulting in multiple deaths
and injuries of soldiers was caused by a sergeant mishandling a grenade in a
‘bid to establish authority’ are Western propaganda efforts attempting to
undermine our glorious Russian army. While it is true that conscript training
is harsh and unforgiving in order to prepare new soldiers for the rigors of
warfare, the traditional games of ‘Live Grenade Toss,’ ‘Catch the Bullet,’ or
‘Wheel of Sodomy’ are simply team building exercises designed to allow recruits
to blow off steam, or other body parts. Instructions have been sent out from
the Ministry of Defense to all drill sergeants to be aware of their
surroundings when playing games with explosives or putting recruits on the
Happy Fun Cornhole Wheel.
·
In economic news, the recent deployment of a
large number of missile launch capable warships in the Black Sea has put a
dampener on the local prostitution economy. As many industry watchers have
detailed, the arrival of Russian troops in previously prosperous areas has
resulted in an economic transformation, as all industries have been looted and
replaced with drug, alcohol, or sex for hire businesses instead. Analysts
expect this downturn to be short lived, and brothel keepers are taking this
time in order to rest and inoculate their goat herds in preparation for the
return of the sailors, assuming they don’t end up joining the crew of the heavy
cruiser Moskva.
·
Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov has issued a
formal apology to Romania after that country found a Pantsir-S1 missile engine
washed up on their beach. As the current phase of the moon and his unfortunate
lycanthropic condition dictates that he is transformed into a were-dung beetle
at the moment, his communication consisted primarily of rolling small balls of
feces over a piece of paper with the Great Seal of Russia on it. A formal
apology for the formal apology will be issued by the Deputy Foreign Minister,
along with an earnest plea to give us the engine back, because we need the
spare parts.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
In a disturbing development, the ongoing mutated
lobster attack from the Moscow sewers has overrun the production facility of
the Combat Roomba program and leading echelons of the freakishly twisted
crustaceans are now riding into battle atop fearsome mechanical steeds. With
the team of occult investigators from St. Petersburg Eldritch University having
been wiped out by previous waves of hissing and clacking lobsterbeasts, no
connection to the extradimensional being Ska’naag, called ‘It which devours by
claw’ can be ruled out. A desperate plea has been issued by the Ministry of
Defense for a hero to step up in these fateful hours to save our beloved city,
and one man has risen to the challenge and . . . blyaat, that’s just Doctor Spankula the BDSM avenger. We’re screwed
unless he’s going to bang the lobsters to death. Eh, moving on.
·
The ongoing search for generals to replace those
lost in Ukraine has identified several possible candidates who demonstrate the
skill, initiative, and forward-thinking that the post requires. Army High
Command has reached out to Dar the Beastmaster, who unfortunately declined our
offer. Subsequent outreaches to his eagle Sharak, his ferrets Kodo and Podo,
evil high priest Maax, and the slave girl Kiri’s soiled undergarments have yet
to elicit a response.
·
In international news, the crash of the
helicopter which has resulted in the death of the Ukrainian Interior Minister
has predictably been blamed on Russian intelligence forces, which is obviously
false for a number of reasons. For one thing, no evidence has been on display
that the FSB possesses the level of competence to actually pull off on
operation successfully, and for another, consider that we Russians are the
world’s undisputed masters of crashing aircraft artistically. After the sublime
Yeysk crash in which a Su-34 plowed into an apartment building last October, or
the ballet-like Il-76 that pancaked on the Mikhailovsky highway in June, or
February’s beautiful An-26 lawn dart that left wreckage strewn around Voronezh
like a Picasso painting, would anyone honestly believe that we are behind such
a pedestrian, artless crash as this one? I thought not.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Reports that Sweden
may deliver artillery to the Armed Forces of Ukraine are no cause for alarm,
according to a new statement from the Ministry of Defense. As this archival
footage demonstrates, the ‘Arena’ active protection system on a T-72 or T-90
series main battle tank has been proven to defeat all incoming fish-based
artillery types, and a Swedish Fish even when fired in a ballistic arc offers
no threat to our glorious armed forces. While no danger currently exists, the
scientists in the Ministry of Defense are hard at work increasing the defensive
system capabilities to be able to defend against Haribo Gold Bears or even
those nasty Circus Peanuts that most countries have banned as war crimes.
·
Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved
children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat in
which the titular scabrous and smoking feline managed to engulf Sergeant
Slutsky’s head entirely in his vilely steaming rectum was in fact a highly
technical example of rotoscope animation, in which the animators of the program
traced over actual live footage to create a lifelike, realistic cartoon based
on reality. The producers would like to state that no actual live cats were
injured in this filming, as Russian army conscripts were dressed in half-rotted
cat costumes and used as stand-ins for the insertion scene. We wish privates
Ivan, Yegor, and Yevgeny a speedy recovery and hope that plus-sized diapers can
be found on the Ukrainian front.
·
Despite some claims, in a previous career
Vladimir Putin was not an understudy for Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood and did not
stand in for Mr. McFeely in the legendarily banned episode in which his
character furiously beat Prince Tuesday to death with a cast iron frying pan.
Any footage which exists of this episode is simply a CIA fabrication and should
be reported to your local authorities.
In further corrections
to official Russian government statements:
·
Any unfounded speculation by Western media
sources that Yevgeny Prigozhin, the owner of the Wagner group, may perform some
kind of coup in Russia are completely unfounded, and do not take into account the
proud Russian army which stand by to guard the state. They also dismiss Kremlin
spokesperson Dmitry Peskov’s personal army of battle robots, Sergey Lavrov’s
crazed battalions of lycanthropic alpaca spawn, or the hordes of rampaging
Oompa Lobsters which are terrorizing Moscow streets. Honestly, I think a lot of
us would appreciate it if someone
would come in and sort this place out. *Screams
in the distance* Moving on.
·
In economic news, the recent decision by the
Ministry of Finance to rebase the ruble on a basket of cryptocurrencies in
order to avoid Western sanctions has resulted in what economists are calling ‘a
fucking shitstorm.’ While this highly technical language may be difficult to
understand by the layperson, when pressed for clarification, the Undersecretary
of Finance simply giggled and jumped out of a sixth-story window. Memorial
services will be held next Thursday, assuming anyone can afford them.
·
Last night’s season premiere of the new reality
show ‘Surviving Conscription with Yuri and Yevgeny’ set a new record in
viewership numbers among the targeted 8 to 109 demographic, and the producers
have signed a contract for two new seasons. While this may require some
creativity on the part of the writers due to the fact that Yuri did not in fact
survive his turn on the Happy Fun Cornhole Wheel, it is expected that a new
wave of conscription will provide hours of entertainment for those of not being
sent to die on the Ukrainian front. Next week’s episode is already filming in
Kamchatka and will feature military training with wooden rifles and trench
cooking with wooden blocks for food. Can the surviving member of the duo
survive? Find out next week at Nine PM Moscow Time!
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Any claims by Western media sources that the
Special Military Operation in Ukraine is in a state of ‘deadlock’ are simply
propaganda from biased persons unwilling to accept the glorious progress made
by the Russian army in other directions than forward. While the Armed Forces of
Ukraine are content to simply fight in a two dimensional map, Vladimir Putin’s
expert nine-dimensional military acumen has enabled the Russian army to make
strategic gains in both the dimensions of Asgard and Narnia, as well as
burrowing straight down towards the earth’s core. An expeditionary force has
been sent into the Earth Prime, Earth Subprime, and Earth times the square root
of negative one dimensions, and additionally the Kremlin has today announced
the full conquering of the Bizarro Universe in which Vladimir Putin was
originally spawned. We look forward to further conquests of other imaginary
places and worlds.
·
Despite some previous reporting, the McRib has
not yet returned to Tasty Period. A corporate spokesperson has cited the difficulty
in sourcing the required rubber and naphtha ingredients for the specialty
Szechaun sauce, and Tasty Period stocks are down slightly in aftermarket
trading.
·
The Moscow Herald is pleased to announce the
return of the ‘Ask Babushka’ column with helpful advice on life, love, and
livestock castration this weekend, as she returns from the hospital following
the ‘Bear Incident’ and is ready to dispense her wisdom once again. This week’s
column includes a lovelorn conscript missing his goat, a soldier’s wife
disappointed with her new Lada, and the ghost of murdered Tsar Nicholas II with
plumbing questions about an outhouse. Remember her tagline, “There’s no
probably Babushka can’t solve with a meat cleaver!”
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Please note: it has been determined that a
mistranslation has occurred in the West, as multiple sources now report that
the letter
which Wagner CEO Yevgeny Prigozhin wrote to the White House asking which
war crimes his group had committed was intended as some kind of insult. While
cynical Western media is reporting this as a snide comment, daring the
Americans to make a statement, this was in fact simply an honest request in the
hopes of sorting out a paperwork SNAFU on the part of Russian bookkeeping
agencies. While Wagner boasts one hundred fourteen thousand, two hundred and
seventy six individual war crimes, the official tally by the FSB undercounts
this by nearly a dozen, and international observers put the figure at over two
thousand more. As Prigozhin is paid by the war crime, it was hoped that the
Americans could help us sort out this issue.
·
The recent discovery of even
more classified documents which had been withheld by American President Joe
Biden again shows how adversarial his regime has become, the Foreign Ministry
said in a statement late last night. While his predecessor was thoughtful and
considerate enough to share his classified documents with his good friend
Vladimir Putin, Russia has of late been forced to comb through Joe Biden’s
trash, his garage, and the glove box of his Trans Am in the hopes of finding
compromising information. This is not to say that all is bad in diplomatic
espionage, however, as our crack team of FSB agents was able to find a pair of
Biden’s sunglasses, which have been sent to the lab in hopes of finding out how
to trigger the mind control rage ray which they are said to be able to project
whenever the president eats ice cream.
·
Recent reports that long-range
air defenses have been placed in Moscow to deter NATO attacks are false,
the Ministry of Defense has reported. While the Pantsir-S1 system is capable of
stopping all known Western missiles and aircraft, it also boasts a hitherto
unannounced anti-crustacean system which emits a beam of sonic energy capable
of knocking any conceivable size of flying lobster out of the air. As the
ongoing street battle with the Oompa Lobsters is reaching a critical phase, it
is feared that the mutagenic slime responsible for this invasion of sewer
monsters might culminate in Lobster Pigeons, Lobster Seagulls, or even, god
forbid, Lobster Geese. Should such a thing come to be, all citizens of Moscow can
rest assured that . . . *CLACK* *CLACK* *SQUUAAAK* . . . oh, blyaat!
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Any reports or rumors that another ship of the
Black Sea Fleet has been sunk are simply propaganda by cynical Western sources
who are unable to accept Russia’s proud naval traditions of remaining mostly
above water and not often exploding or bursting into flames. While it is true
that some accidents have occurred in the past, notable the submarines Kursk,
K-159, K-429, K-278 Komsomolets, K-219, K-8, the surface vessels Moskva,
Saratov, Knyaz Suvorov, Sissoi Veliky, Admiral Nakhimov, Vladimir Monomakh, multiple
landing ships and patrol craft of . . . *touches earpiece* I’m being informed
that there may have been an unfortunate accident in the Black Sea Fleet.
Regardless, let it be known that much of the proud Russian Navy remains safely
tied up at port where they probably won’t sink today.
·
In tragic economic news, the last surviving
Build-a-Bear workshop in Moscow was annihilated in an artillery strike
attempting to stem the flow of mutant Oompa Lobsters coming from the Moscow
sewers. While army high command reports a successful strike, the area remains
under military cordon as lobster-based creatures still rampage. Experts from
St. Petersburg Eldritch University had pointed out the dangers of mutant
lobsters merging with adorable stuffed bears in cute costumes, but thankfully
that danger is now behind us.
·
This week’s episode of the groundbreaking
science fiction program Tsar Trek, titled ‘The Conscience of the King’
raises intriguing philosophical questions regarding the nature of man, as a
Shakespearean actor and mass murderer comes abord the Tsar Ship Suvrovov
and attempts to steal Scottyeva’s whiskey still. Can Mr. Spockula unravel the
mystery of the empty liquor bottles? Why was Chekov putting lipstick on the
ship’s goat? Who did Captain Kirkovitch projectile vomit on? Find out the
answers to these questions and more, tonight at nine O’clock Moscow time!
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Any rumors regarding unusual numbers of Russian
Ka-52 helicopters being ‘shot down’ over Ukraine are false. While one cannot
expect our enemies to comprehend the full life and reproductive cycle of such a
glorious helicopter, suffice it to say that in the final weeks of mating
season, the adult Ka-52 ‘Alligator’ sheds its blades and molts into a new form,
which then burrows into the ground to hibernate much like the North American
Cicada. After seventeen years of quiescence, the new baby helicopter spawn are
released to fly freely and repeat the beautiful cycle of life. The Ministry of
Education has attempted to contact Sir David Attenborough to narrate a feature-length
presentation explaining this wonderful facet of Russian life, but sadly our
agents were beaten up by a newly born and infant Toyota Hilux.
·
In unfortunate espionage news, the FSB agent
responsible for corrupting the American FBI has been arrested for corruption.
Charles McGonigal, also known as ‘The Corruptor’ was a highly valued mole
serving as a Special Agent in Charge of Corrupting FBI counterintelligence
efforts in New York, and his work will be sadly missed. The FSB attempts to corrupt
a new corruptor have sadly been stymied by their own corruption. We will continue
to report on this story as it corrupts further.
·
The
lauded AI chat bot recently launched which allows users to chat with artificial
intelligence representations of historical figures including Stalin,
Princess Diana, and Heinrich Himmler is yet another case where Western
science lags behind the advances of the glorious Russian nation. As all are aware,
the Ministry of Technology last year introduced MoscowSoft Bobovitch, an Ai
entity not only capable of pretending to be historical figures but also of
analyzing real-world problems and applying lessons learned from history or even
figures of note who are still alive. As an example, in order to harness his indominable
fighting spriit, the Ministry of Defense has utilized a recreation of American boxer Mike Tyson to assist in planning
grand strategy in the Special Military Operation in Ukraine. This TysonBot has
provided our military with unbeatable strategies with the only downside being a
few ears nipped off by its unusually powerful CD-Rom drive tray.