In further corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Claims that the Russian armed forces have been
ordered to begin ‘scorched earth’ operations in the Bakhmut region are
incorrect. In fact, General Blobushenkov, commander of Battle Group Center, has
been issued strict orders to preserve all significant architecture and
infrastructure in order to facilitate rebuilding after the war. General
Blobushenkov is currently however away from the front, having returned to
Moscow to report on his failures to execute his previous ‘Stop getting so many
soldiers killed’ and ‘Seriously, stop fucking up, you moron’ orders.
·
Reports that the 1123rd, 118th,
and 249th Conscript Battalions were issued combat kilts on arrival
in Bakhmut were unfortunately incorrect due to typographical errors. They were
instead kilt in combat on arrival. Likewise, recent attempts to prove “The Pen
is Mightier than the Sword” have resulted in numerous penis amputations in and
around the combat front. In related news, the canteen will be serving mini hot
dogs for the next two days.
·
Previous reporting on the near shootdown of a
British Spy plane by the Russian Private Military Contractor S.P.E.C.T.R.E. has
raised ire in the world of mercenaries and terrorists, with many other PMCs
demanding recognition for their efforts. “What are we, chopped liver?” demanded
Cobra Commander during a heated meeting between high-ranking officers. “If
Doctor Nyet gets screen time, we demand screen time, too!” said the Chief of
KAOS, Colonel Moran of T.H.R.U.S.H., Megatron, and former Starbucks CEO Howard
Schultz in a prepared statement. Negotiations with the Ministry of Defense are
ongoing, but have however been delayed by mass chants of ‘HAIL HYDRA’ from all
present.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Reports by Western sources that Russian
Intelligence has hacked
cameras in coffee shops out of desperation are false, according to FSB
Spokesperson Nikolai Derpovitch. “What many in the West don’t comprehend is
that we allow our agents to moonlight in second jobs to supplement their
income, and in this case Directorate 217 as a whole was hired by the Stars
Coffee Corporation in order to gain intelligence on their business rivals,” he
said in a briefing from his volcanic lair in the shape of his head. “While we
at the FSB do not take sides in any corporate conflict, I will admit that our
agents were more than happy to collect business data on bikini barista stands
all over the world.” At press time, a group of six FSB colonels were seen
ogling live video of Hot Coffee! baristas making lattes.
·
Reports that ‘Excalibur’ rounds from the United
States are somehow delivering Arthurian victories to Ukraine are untrue.
“While the enemy has succeeded in destroying a number of valuable pieces of
Russian equipment, it’s important to remember the cost ratios,” said Ministry
of Defense spokesperson Igor Konashenkov. “For instance, each Excalibur shell
costs sixty-five thousand US dollars while the S7 “Pion” artillery piece it
blows up only costs two hundred trillion rubles at today’s prices, and the
ruble’s worthless so they’re practically free!” Reports that numerous Russian
soldiers have died attempting to pull Excalibur rounds from the ground in hopes
of becoming King of England have not been verified.
·
Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved
children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which the titular diseased and
scabrous feline infiltrated the 2023 Moscow Olympic Games compound in order to
vomit worm-filled hairballs on Lobster Cultists has raised complaints from the
newly formed Church of the Lobster Goddess, according to network regulators.
“While She Who Devours by Claw has not yet taken notice, beware of her
crustacean fury! Praise Lobster!” said High Cultist in a public announcement.
We will continue to report on this story as it develops.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Recent reports that a surrendered Wagner
mercenary commander recognized
the soldiers responsible for the criminal execution of a Ukrainian soldier
have simply caused further strife between the various Private Military
Organizations, terrorist spy networks, criminal revolutionary gangs, and
Leagues of Evil Mutants which make up the backbone of the Russian Army. In an
impassioned speech at the Legion of Doom, Putin has requested that all warring
factions put aside their differences and focus on what brings them all
together, which is primarily “not being force-fed polonium tea and then thrown
out of windows” in the hopes of achieving unity of purpose. As an additional
gesture of good faith, the alien monkey Gleek has kidnapped from the Super
Friends and will soon be publicly executed by an elaborate mechanism involving
sharks and laser beams.
·
Hysterical rumors and reports that President
Putin is suffering from severe
head pain, blurred vision, and numbness in his tongue are not evidence of
his imminent demise, according to Kremlin doctors. He is a picture of health
and is only enjoying the after effects from a traditional Kamchatkan ‘volcano
pepper’ vodka enema treatment, which was performed to maintain his manly
virility. He is at no risk of death any time in the future so long as the
Special Military Operation in Ukraine continues to succeed beyond all
expectations and none of the other oligarchs or power players in the Kremlin
believe they can do a better job. Moving on.
·
In an interesting historical perspective, noted
political scientist Igor Bobuvenkov has associated the recent “Mr. Shmyhal Goes
to Washington” headlines appearing across Western media sources with the
well-known 1940 Soviet Union movie “Mr. Smith Goes to Red Square.” This seminal
motion picture, in which a brave American Senator played by someone who looked
vaguely like James Stewart fled the capitalist running dogs to seek protection
from Josef Stalin, is noted by all critics as being far superior to the
subsequent 1939 knock-off version from Frank Capra, and even better than the
later “It’s a Wonderful Gulag” starring the same actor. Should historical
trends hold true, it can be expected that Mr. Shmyhal will receive a
heartwarming life lesson and surrender himself to the KGB to be interrogated.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Despite some claims, today is not the one year anniversary of Russia’s new
submarine program.
·
In unfortunate news, the rapidly escalating war
of words between the various factions of the Russian Army has reached a new
low, with Yevgeni
Prigozhin accusing Igor Strelkov of cowardice, Cobra Commander
short-sheeting Lex Luther’s bunk, and Doctor Nyet’s vicious mocking of Skeletor
which reduced the skull-faced sorcerer to tears in a manner not fully
understood by biologists. Additionally, the alien space monkey Gleek—previously
captured from the Super Friends and placed in an execution chamber involving
sharks and blue lasers—has managed to escape by means of outwitting his guards
in some fashion. An investigation is underway, and President Putin has vowed to
restore confidence and order through the organization by means of social
engagement including ice cream parties and random executions of underlings.
·
In an important product safety news, the luxury
line Babushka’s Backdoor has issued an emergency recall for the
eighteen-inch personal massager labelled “The Stormtrooper” which was given out
as a replacement for the previously recalled three-inch massagers sold under
the trademark “The Prostate Pounder.” The company requests that all products
bearing this label be returned to a hazardous materials disposal site as soon
as possible along with any remaining or reanimated body parts from users.
·
Reports by Western media sources claiming that
the Spetsnaz
special operations troops have been ‘gutted’ by combat are false, according
to the Ministry of Defense. “While it’s true that they are not currently
visible on the front lines, that’s because they’ve taken out of combat and sent
to a farm in upstate Kamchatka where they can run and play with their throwing
axes,” said spokesperson Igor Konashenkov. “We believe it’s important for all
soldiers to get vacations every now and then to rest and recharge, and will be
following this cycle with a relaxing mud spa holiday in Canada for the 1175th
Conscript Battalion.” When asked where exactly this spa was, Konashenkov would
only say, “Eh, it’s in Canada, you’ve never heard of it.”
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Wagner Group leader Yevgeny Prigozhin’s recent
call to declare an end to the Special Military Operation in Ukraine is
unlikely to be heeded by the Kremlin, analysts say. “While the idea of simply
claiming the current status was our goal all along and hoisting a giant
‘Mission Accomplished’ banner is sound, we probably need some better success
points than saying that killing or driving off most of our military aged
population while destroying our economy and world standing was the plan,” said
chief international correspondent Yuri Yegnovlovitch moments before he was
hurled out of a window on to some bullets. “It’s unclear if the world community
will accept -- Aaaaaagh!” Memorial services will be held next Thursday.
·
The Ministry of Defense has today issued a MoD
Mint Collector’s Plate commemorating the first anniversary of the launching of
the submarine Moskva, which is certain to brighten your display of MoD
Mint Collector’s Plates. Set alongside the Commemorative Princess Diana plate,
the Velvet Elvis Plate, or the Very Special Barechested Putin Plate, this plate
will bring style to your shack and will be a valuable investment in future
times of financial ruin. For just the low price of sixteen BlyaatCoin,
these silverish-trimmed plates are elegant and can be used as barter
commodities for food or broken over the head of psychotic returned ex-criminal
war veterans. Buy yours today!
·
In economic news, aftermarket trading prices for
top secret American military documents have plunged to a new low, partly due to
market saturation due to a recent availability glut and partly due to the fact
that most American technical specifications for weapons systems appear to use a
strange, incomprehensible language that some are calling ‘math.’ “Look, if the
instructions are anything more complicated than ‘hit it with a rock until it
explodes’ we probably don’t have the trained technicians left to reproduce any
of these,” said an unidentified analyst waving helplessly at a giant pile of stolen
blueprints for a laser-based orbital death ray satellite, which for some reason
were covered in ketchup and Cheeto dust. Economists are expecting an upswing in
the top secret document market once an expected tranche of stone-based weapons
blueprints arrives from North Korea.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Belarussian furniture manufacturer Swed House,
which some nefarious bourgeois sources claim to be a ‘knockoff’ of IKEA, has opened
a new store in Moscow to great acclaim. While it is true that the store
offers furniture and housing accessories with evocative Scandinavian names, and
while it is true that their signature Sweesh Meatballs bear some similarities
to IKEA’s famed Swedish Meatballs, and while Store Security does appear to be
staffed by Vikings, there is absolutely no evidence that huge crowds of
shoppers have become lost in the maze-like interiors of the superstore
wandering like trapped souls of the damned between RIKTIG ÖGLA end
tables and SMÖRBOLL wall shelving units. “There is no cause for alarm at
all,” said Swed House spokesperson Bjorn Bjornovitch. “We’ll be able to get all
those shoppers out of the store safely and with their purchases just as soon as
we can find the Allen wrench to assemble the exit door.” At press time, a pack
of deranged shoppers had descended upon a promotional end table filled with FLÄRDFULL
decorative shower curtains and begun building primitive shelters for the night.
·
Due to a scheduling conflict, President Vladimir
Putin will not be participating in the next season of RuPaul’s Drag race.
·
This week the Moscow Herald welcomes the
triumphant return of their much-loved Ask Babushka column of advice for
the lovelorn, as columnist Olga Olgavulva has completed her brief prison
sentence for repeated castration threats. What advice does she have for Anxious
in Arkhangelsk with her six lovers, all of whom have been sent to the
Bakhmut front? What’s her traditional medical treatment for gonorrhea for Burning
in Barnaul? How should Perplexed in Pskov deal with her goat’s
infidelity? Find out as Ask Babushka returns in today’s Moscow Herald!
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Despite hand-wringing reports from Western
war-mongers, claims that a church
in eastern Ukraine was destroyed by Russian artillery on Orthodox Easter
morning are untrue. “While there was a massive explosion in the area, and
while artillery fire was being sent from Russian positions, our crack team of
investigators has inspected the evidence and concluded that the American Easter
Bunny is to blame,” said the KGB investigative bureau head in prepared remarks
this morning. “It is a fact in evidence that a rabbit-suited Sean Spicer was
seen in the area immediately before the explosion, and there is no doubt that
the ‘Easter Eggs’ he was hiding everywhere were in fact 152-millimeter
artillery shells which he had stolen from Russian horse-drawn supply wagons.”
As of press time, Mr. Spicer has not stopped calling this station begging to be
put on the air or given relevance in some way.
·
President Putin’s recent attempts at winning the
Guinness World Record for the longest submarine sandwich ever made have run
into difficulty, according to Kremlin spokesperson Dmitry Peskov. “We can all
agree that the attempt was a worthy one, taking advantage of our available
resources -- to wit, lots of bread made from stolen Ukrainian grain, meat from
the Bakhmut front, and a really, really long table – but unfortunately, things
just got out of hand. We’ll try again once we figure out how to get all those
pickles off the ceiling.” Other commentators present at the attempt expressed
frustration at the failure, saying “Shit, you’d think we’d be experts at making
submarines after the Moskva.”
·
This week’s episode of the ground-breaking
science fiction program Tsar Trek, titled “The Devil in the Dark”
features a mining colony under threat by a mysterious subterranean monster
capable of chewing through pickaxe handles and devouring men whole. Can Mr.
Spockula use his powers of the Vodka Mind Meld to communicate with the gopher?
Can Captain Kirkovitch prevent the miners from noticing his crew is stealing
their toilets and washing machines? Why is the ship’s goat humping Chekov? Find
out the answers to these questions and more, tonight at nine o’clock Moscow
Time!
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Any rumors of an impending Ukrainian
counteroffensive are false and are simply propaganda, the Ministry of Defense
stated in a news briefing this morning. “We have reliably sourced a full
inventory of the Armed Forces of Ukraine’s military equipment, and we can say
without a shadow of a doubt that they only have two tanks and a US Army Big
Wheel tricycle available for operations,” said MoD spokesperson Igor
Konashenkov. “This information was gleaned at great cost by FSB agents reading
discarded Western tabloid newspapers which reported claims by blue-checked
sources on Twitter that they had heard a drunk man in an alley screaming racial
slurs at a three-legged dog. We have complete faith in this analysis.” At press
time, explosions could be heard in the distance.
·
The Ministry of Culture would like to remind all
Russian citizens that screaming in terror whenever President Putin’s face is
displayed during the two minutes hate is considered to be in bad form. Putin is
intended to be seen in the final scenes of the Daily Patriotic Reprogramming
film as a savior, not as an object of stark horror, and whoever added in the
photos of him knife-raping a nun will be found and thrown into the Sarlacc pit
in the Kremlin basement.
·
Claims that President Putin’s recent visit to
the front lines was actually a hologram of him projected from his volcanic lair
deep in the jungles of Kamchatka are untrue, according to Kremlin spokesperson
Dmitry Peskov. “Jesus fark, you actually think we have the technology to do
that, and that we’d use it for that instead of watching 3-D porn instead?” he
asked, waving dismissively at reporters. “We’ve got a couple dozen body doubles
at any given moment, we’d totally just send one of those instead. Think, people!”
While this unusually frank statement was received with some skepticism by the
press corps, several reporters did note that he was in a highly intoxicated
state holding a handle of Jim Beam and that photos of Putin at the front did in
fact resemble an 89-year-old grandmother named Olga. We will continue to report
on this story once we are in contact with Olga for confirmation.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
The United States’ claims that the Zaporizhzhia
Nuclear Power Plant contains ‘sensitive’ American technology have been
discarded by the Ministry of Science, and their war-mongering threats to not
touch anything in there are meaningless, according to a statement released this
morning. “We utterly reject any American claims on whatever this stuff is, and
we have our top scientists trying to figure out why it glows in the dark,”
Science Minister Dr. Petrov Peblabovitch said while peering quizzically at a
lump of plutonium through a microscope. “If, as our theorists suspect, this is
a piece of rock that has somehow been possessed by ghosts and/or demons, we
should be able to reverse engineer this and produce our own ghost-based power
sources.” Follow-up reports of a failed exorcism of the strange, glowing rock
have been blamed on several of the scientists spontaneously mutating during the
ritual and distracting the High Science Priest.
·
In sporting news, the 2023 Moscow Olympic
Committee is pleased to announce that team registration is now open, and
qualifying international teams may begin sending their athletes to the Olympic
Village. As of now, the nations of North Korea, Belarus, and Syria have sent
full teams and many other peoples from all over have registered for individual
events. “We especially look forward to competing against the Moon Nazis in the
Bobsled event and the Swiss team in the one-hundred-meter master race,” said
Russian boxing team trainer Mike Tyson, who had apparently gotten confused and
wandered into the Olympic briefing while eating breakfast. “Has anyone tried
these oat bran muffins? Deee-lish!” Exactly where Tyson had found the baseballs
he was eating is unknown as that sport is not planned to be part of the 2023
Games.
·
The producers of the beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat
the Caat would like to apologize for last night’s episode, in which the
lovable rapscallion Jon spent nearly the full hour advertising a startup
multi-level marketing campaign based around Bored Gopnik NFTs. “It was not our
goal to create controversy,” said the lead animator in a prepared statement.
“But seriously, this is the perfect time to get in at the ground floor and
start making millions! Crypto’s the new thing, baby!” Viewers of the
program were at least treated to a heartwarming ten-minute segment near the end
of the program, in which Jon raped and slaughtered a zoo cage filled with
orangutans while snorting meth.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
News that Patriot Missile Systems have arrived
in Ukraine are not a concern to the military, according to the Ministry of
Defense. “We are fully aware of the capabilities of these systems, and can
confirm that our research has shown that they lack the ability to defeat the
new 8M-57 ‘Vatnik’ cruise missiles which are just now being deployed,” MoD
spokesperson Igor Konashenkov stated while strapping a protesting conscript
into a bicycle loaded with explosives. “This weapon system flies at such a low
altitude, literally right along the ground, that even the vaunted Patriot
cannot shoot it down. It is completely safe from all known air defense
systems.” In a demonstration of the system capabilities, the ‘Vatnik’ cruise
missile pedaled into a ditch at high speed and exploded successfully.
·
In a continuation from last year, the crew of
the Heavy Cruiser Moskva will again not be appearing on ‘Dancing with
the Stars.’
·
Media reports that President Putin is personally commanding the Special
Military Operation in Ukraine are in fact true, according to a new
statement put out by the Kremlin. “President Putin is using his considerable
strategic skills in the defense of our nation, and has been directly
responsible for several critical victories,” Kremlin spokesperson Dmitry Peskov
said in prepared remarks. “We have converted the bigass conference table to a
map of the war, and Putin has laid out the battle pieces in what he knows to be
the correct configuration to maximize the war effort. Army High Command studies
this and takes their orders, knowing that when Putin passes GO and collects
$200, or when he yells ‘YAHTZEE!’ it’s their sign to go on the attack.” Rumors
are currently swirling that Foreign Minister Lavrov has turtled up in Australia
and is saving up his two bonus troops per turn, waiting for the right moment to
invade Asia.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Claims that Russia ‘bombed itself’ by accidentally
releasing ordnance from an overflying Su-34 are false, the Ministry of Defense
said today in an explainer session. “What we are actually seeing is not the
result of any attack, but a release of spontaneous joy from the vehicles in the
area at the news that Vladimir Putin will be personally cooking and serving the
McRib when it returns to Tasty Period next week,” said MoD spokesperson Igor
Konashenkov as he strapped on body armor and gestured to a tub of Szechuan
Sauce. “We hope to have this glorious patriotic fervor spread all across Russia
and wherever our air force flies around, carrying bombs.”
·
This week’s NATO meeting in Ramstein is not
expected to cause any major temporal or thaumaturgical complications for the
newly raised Battle Priest battalion, which has been formed from the most
recent graduating classes of the Russian Orthodox Priest College, the Occult
Institute of Volgograd, and Trump University. While the disparate origins of
some of the recruits might be expected to cause friction, it is believed that
all Battle Priests will be able to work together to use their powers to deform reality
in accordance with their beliefs. The High Priest of the Ministry of Science
has blessed this new battalion with a goat blood charm guaranteed to repel any
negative waves emanating from Ramstein.
·
In health news, Moscow Central Hospital has
issued a red flag warning of potentially deadly waves of schadenfreude and
cringe which may be generated from the recently
announced Fyre Festival 2. “Please take extra cautions when viewing any
online news about this subject, and wrap your computer or phone in smirk-proof
vinyl coverings,” the Psychological Health administrator said today. “The
previous Fyre Festival caused a major outbreak of various metal health crises,
and we absolutely want to avoid that if possible.” This station will attempt to
reach out to co-founder Ja Rule as soon as any interns can be found that aren’t
snickering.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
News that Generalissimo Commandant Vladimir
Putin, acting as the People’s Commissar for Defense, has issued a proclamation
demanding “Not one step back!” are simply a reflection of his awareness of
history. In 1942 Josef Stalin issued Order No. 227 which proclaimed ‘Ni shagu nazad!’ or ‘Not one step back!’ which became
the rallying cry of Soviet Media, and General of the Army Putin wishes to raise
patriotic fervor among all Russians in the same way. In order to maintain the
link with history, Putin has raided the historical archives and plans to
re-issue Order No. 248, which allows the cooking and consumption of ferrets,
and Orders No. 311 to 324 which regulate the proper manner in which a
previously favored general is to be declared an unperson and disappeared from
history. These orders are planned to be issued at the next Kremlin Costume Ball
at which, coincidentally, Yevgeny Prigozhin has been ordered to appear
dressed as a giant ferret.
·
In network programming news, the planned new
season of Is it Potato with Yuri and Yevgeny has been canceled due to
the outcome of the pilot episode, in which it was determined that a live
artillery shell is not a potato.
·
The Ministry of Production has issued a new
statement congratulating the FSB foreign service for its successful raid into
enemy territory, in which the Tonka factory in the American state of Minnesota
was plundered for construction vehicles. “We are pleased that this quarter’s
production of vital economic equipment has been met due to the heroic efforts
of this squad, who brought back no less than fourteen Mighty Steel Dump Trucks,
six Bulldozers, a Mighty Steel Front Loader, and a limited edition N0. 02
Pickup Truck still in the original box, which is said to have a collector’s
value of nearly two thousand US dollars,” said a production spokesperson during
an awards ceremony celebrating the success. “While these were not the actual
sizes of the vehicles we had requested, you know, it’s the thought that
counts.” At press time, Putin had commandeered a Mighty Steel Dump Truck and
was driving it around on his conference table making vroom, vroom
noises.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
In a further success for the FSB Special
Infiltration program, the Ministry of Defense has announced that plans for the
American X-51 Tactical Big Wheel Vehicle have been procured and production is set
to begin immediately. With an 11-inch all-terrain front wheel, weather
resistant decals, and durable plastic pedals, this combat vehicle promises not
only to be a force multiplier for mechanized assaults but also can be upgraded
to mount a SPG-9 Kopyo 73-millimeter recoilless rifle or Maxim machine gun
depending on the mission parameters.
·
Regardless of how you may feel about him
personally, Vladimir Putin is not responsible for whatever happened in Star
Trek: Picard.
·
In entertainment news, the producers of the hit crime
drama Moscow: Special Investigation Unit: Gopnik Patrol have apologized
for the awkward product placement seen in last week’s episode, where Commissars
Yuri and Yevgeny paused during a gruesome street autopsy of a bear attack
victim to both enjoy a tasty McRib sandwich. While the writers claim that
modern street police often have no time to break for lunch amid sorting out all
the dead bodies, and that it was purely a coincidence that the McRib has
recently returned to Tasty Period, promises have been made that at least least
major characters will refrain from singing Tasty Period marketing jingles while
standing over murder victims in the future.
· Even though this week’s Ask Babushka column will be filed by an understudy due to yet another unfortunate prison sentence which has claimed the 117-year-old Olga Olgavulva who normally writes the column, please be aware that the she left copious notes for her assistant before her four-hour standoff with Moscow Police and subsequent tasering. It is expected that the column will be filled with the gracious advice for the lovelorn that she is known for, and any similarities between her writing and that of ChatGPT are purely coincidental.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov has welcomed the
official Chinese statement from their ambassador which stated for the record
that former
Soviet republics do not exist. “The Belovezha Accords, which were signed on
December 8, 1991 by Boris Yeltsin and several of his alcohol-induced
hallucinations, correctly confirmed the breakup of the Soviet Union into Russia
and a bunch of other places that are also Russia,” Lavrov said through an
interpreter due to his unfortunate condition of having been lycanthropically
transformed into a smaller version of Elon Musk. “And while I’m up here, please
allow me to make a bunch of bad business decisions that courts will compel me to
obey.” At press time, his handlers were desperately searching personnel records
to find out who else in the diplomatic corps might have been bitten by Musk.
·
Reports that fighting has
broken out between elements of the Russian Army and Yevgeny Prigozhin’s
Wagner Group are incorrect. While there is still simmering internecine conflict
between the various mercenary groups, terrorist cells, and hooligan football
fan clubs which make up the bulk of the army, a peace has been successfully
brokered by the Ministry of Defense which allows for the occasional artillery
strike or armed assault on each other in order to allow everyone to blow off
steam. Memorial services for the soldiers killed in these fratricidal bonding
exercises will be held next Thursday.
·
This week’s episode of the groundbreaking
science fiction program Tsar Trek, titled ‘Errand of Mercy’ pits Captain
Kirkovitch and the crew of the Suvrovov against the evil forces of the
U.N. Empire as both sides battle for control of a completely peaceful island.
With the island in a strategically important location between Russia and valuable
washing machines to be stolen, can the Captain and Mr. Spockula cause enough
drunken chaos to send the U.N. peacekeepers fleeing? Can Scottyeva synthesize
enough vodka in the ship’s still to fend off the crew’s delirium tremens? What
is the secret of this mysterious island filled with goats? Find out the answers
to these questions and more, tonight at nine o’clock Moscow Time!
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Despite some reports, we here at Russian One
News have not offered Tucker Carlson a job in the wake of his firing from Fox
News. We pride ourselves in our journalistic standards and dedication to
reporting the truth, and would never stoop so low as to debase ourselves by
employing a known prevaricator, no matter what ratings they might bring. In
other news, Dmitry Peskov’s boll weevil infestation which has resulted in him
shedding six hectares of cotton dander from his nether regions is treatable,
according to doctors from the Central Agricultural Institute. “We are certain
that the rapid application of an antibiotic regimen will not only result in
saving this year’s cotton crop but also clear up his unfortunate case of
genital warts,” said expert sheep’s prostate masticator Yuri Andropov in
response to questions from this studio. We will continue to report on this
story as it develops. Also, check your inbox, Don Lemon!
·
The Moscow Highway Patrol has issued a limited
travel advisory for Tverskaya Street due to the frolicking throngs of triple-breasted
prostitutes from Eroticon 6 who are currently being pursued by copyright
lawyers from Douglas Adams’ estate. As stated by the MHP spokesperson, “We do
not anticipate this situation being resolved any time during this morning’s
commute, and we would like to emphasize to any potential litigants that we
referred to them as ‘prostitutes,’ not ‘whores,’ so please don’t sue us.”
·
Recent news stories claiming that Whateley
Farms’ Elderberry Jam is responsible for multiple cases of demonic possession
are untrue and should not be heeded, according to St. Petersburg Eldritch
University. “There is no danger whatsoever from these fine products which were
produced from elderberries grown on unhallowed ground soaked in the blood of
human sacrifice,” said Dr. Henry Armitovitch, Dean of Extraplanar Studies. “You
might want to consider skipping the Dunwich Brand of Stone-Ground wheat bread,
though. No reason. Just sayin’, that’s all.” At press time, the horrifying
shrieks of semi-sentient bread loaves being put into the oven filled the air.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
While some in the nefarious West may claim today
as an anniversary of some kind of ‘accident’ at the nuclear power plant in Chernobyl,
it is important to remember the historical context and know that any reports of
a meltdown, a reactor explosion, or accidental release of tachyons which opened
a time rift to the year 14,781 were simply capitalist propaganda seeking to
undermine the glorious Soviet Union. While there was an unintentional release
of radiation, all should know that it was sent harmlessly into the far future
and that no ill health effects, deaths, or unfortunate devouring by the
cockroach people of the fifteenth millennium were suffered by anyone at that
site.
·
The ongoing search for generals to replace those
lost in Ukraine has identified several possible candidates who demonstrate the
skill, initiative, and forward-thinking that the post requires. Army
recruitment has reached out to the mysterious blob of semi-sentient green goo
lurking in the wastebin behind Tasty Period headquarters but so far has not
received a response.
·
The Moscow-based luxury lingerie retailer Babushka’s Backdoor has today announced a fire sale on their new line of
asbestos-laced thong and garter collections due to low consumer demand. “We
can’t get of these ungodly things at any price,” recently hired spokesperson Gérard
Depardieu said at a fashion show in Nizhny Novgorod. “We even tried burning the
warehouse down so we could at least collect the insurance on them, but you know
what? Asbestos!” His statement was at this point interrupted by hacking and
coughing from several of the lingerie models on the catwalk.
·
Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved
children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which the titular diseased and
scabrous feline injected liquid meth into his eyes and then distended his
rectum to envelop the entirety of a statue of Lenin was not a message to The
Resistance. The FSB will however be investigating the subliminal ‘RISE UP AND
FIGHT’ messages which were broadcast in between animation frames.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Reports that Chinese President Xi’s recent phone
call with Ukrainian President Zelensky have raised fury inside the Kremlin are
false, according to Kremlin spokesperson Dmitry Peskov. “President Putin did
not race back to the Kremlin in response to this call, nor was he in any way
perturbed. He simply realized he’d left cookies in the Kremlin oven and wanted
to get back before they burned.” Peskov then handed out an official dossier
which refuted a previous dossier which claimed Putin had rage-vomited all over
the walls of the Executive Breakroom upon hearing the news.
·
While western media reports swirl regarding some
supposed ‘anxiety’
felt by some at the possibility of a Ukrainian counteroffensive, the Ministry
of Defense today has issued a briefing intended to calm any unsteady nerves.
“We judge the probability of any military action on the part of enemy forces to
be nil,” said MoD spokesperson Igor Konashenkov. “Our intelligence reports show
that their mechanized forces are out of fuel, out of ammunition, completely
dispirited, and on the wrong side of the front line facing the wrong way. Also,
they have Russian ‘Z’ markings on them for some reason.” After a brief moment
of apparent confusion, Konashenkov swapped two pieces of paper and then changed
the subject abruptly.
·
In consumer news, the American fried chicken
chain KFC
has officially ceased operation in Russia, as the insurgent forces of the
shadowy figure known only as ‘Comrade Cluck’ have completely defeated the old
guard militants of Commissar Sandersky. With the flag of KFC thrown down and a
new one rising, we can now report that Comrade Cluck was none other than the
legendary chicken mascot Bolshevikna of Rostik’s Chicken, who has bided
his time and struck with fury to take back his deep fryers for the common
workers of the Russian People. “This day the running dog capitalists have been
defeated, and the people’s Chicken Revolution has come!” he shouted through a
bullhorn, only slightly muted by the chicken costume. Sadly, the defeat of the
bourgeois Commissar did not come without a price, as he has fled back to
America taking the secret of his eleven herbs and spices with him. We will
continue to report on this story as it develops.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Despite some
claims, this year’s Russian International Army Games have not been
cancelled, and the ‘War Olympics’ will occur on schedule albeit at slightly
reduced scale. The artillery calculation competition will be replaced with a
potato sack race and the famed Tank Biathlon will involve DIY tanks constructed
from garbage cans and plywood. *Touches earpiece* I’m being informed that due
to a shortage of potato sacks, the artillery calculation competition will
instead be replaced with Pin the Tail on the Land Mine. Moving on.
·
As a result of an unfortunate film production
mistake, today’s Two Minutes Hate will not be targeting Goldstein as usual.
Please reserve your rage for the Berenstein Bears. Additionally, due to
typographical issues, Ignorance is now Length and will remain so until
scientists can determine what side of the Mandela Effect we are on.
·
The ongoing epidemic of random death which is occurring
among Vladimir Putin’s top allies does not represent any unusual activity
on the part of fate, karma, or assassins. “Statistically speaking, people close
to President Putin just keel over all the time,” said Moscow Institute for
Science spokesperson Aleks Smirnov. “Going by the historical data, we’re
actually in a slight lull, especially if you consider that time in the KGB
academy where twenty of his classmates died of completely natural cyanide
poisoning. Really, we could expect—” at this point in the briefing, several
explosions were heard and the scientific team returned to their spreadsheets.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Claims by Yevgeny Prigozhin’s Wagner PMC that they
will soon be ‘defeated’ in Ukraine are simply a typographical error which
has caused unfortunate misunderstandings. “Our brave soldiers, mercenaries,
convicts, necromantically reanimated corpses, and necromantically reanimated
convicts continue to fight with courage and the conviction of those who know
they’ll be shot if they don’t,” said recently disinterred Wagner spokesperson
Yuri Ogblobovitch (1953-2018, 2023-) “In fact, the ancient and eldritch magic
which binds our souls to our rotting corpses prevents us from doing anything
that our reanimator, Herbert Westovitch, does not command. Our troops are
simply shambling mindlessly forward so quickly that first their shoes, and now
their feet, are wearing off.” At press time, the spokesperson was last seen
gnawing on a reporter’s head, fortunately not from this network.
·
Fire Artist and former Lada Motors Corporation
spokesperson Ivan Ivanovitch has launched a new public artwork by
remote drone in Sevastopol, to the delight of citizens and fire brigade members
all around. “With a trained eye, one can
particularly appreciate the brilliant interplay of colors and smoke against the
background of devastation, which aims at a void that signifies precisely the
non-being of what it represents,” Fire Marshal and Art Critic Boris Blobnovik
said, wiping tears and soot from his grimy face. “One must look at this latest
work and ask themselves, is this truly the artist’s intention, or is it the
oblique non-objectivity itself which forces us to wonder?” The Fire Marshal was
subsequently set ablaze when pondering the objective nature of kerosene.
·
With the 2023 Moscow Olympics set to begin, a
few last-minute changes have been announced by the Moscow Olympic Committee.
“Sadly, North Korea will not be fielding a BlyaatBall team this year due
to unspecified escape attempt casualties, but will instead be participating in
the downhill luge,” said MoC spokesperson Irina Oglaboblovna. “Additionally,
due to construction difficulties raised by the throngs of white-robed lobster
cultists self-flagellating and worshipping the Goddess of the Games, some
athletes from Syria and Kranjovia will be housed in a special clay-lined pit
instead of the Olympic Village. We anticipate that this will cause no
disruption to the Games themselves.” We will report on the official opening
ceremony of the 2023 Moscow Olympics on Monday.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
In economic news, the recently victorious
revolutionary forces of Comrade Cluck, formerly known as the Rostik’s mascot
“The Death to the Kulaks Chicken” who triumphed in the recent KFC war
were unable to seize Komisar Sandersky’s top secret eleven herbs and spices
recipe, and have been forced to improvise in the true Bolshevik method. “This
new blend of kerosene, brutality, and tears will taste exactly the same, or
it’s off to the camps with you!” screeched the new Rostik’s Chicken
spokesperson Irina Klobvaska, while firing an AK-47 over her head. “The
People’s Revolutionary’s Chicken Biscuits shall not be stopped!”
·
The ongoing search for generals to replace those
lost in Ukraine has identified several possible candidates who demonstrate the
skill, initiative, and forward-thinking that the post requires. Sadly, however,
the Ministry of Defense has recently learned that the Great Goblin of
Goblintown has been assassinated by a sword-wielding madman accompanied by
dwarves. The Foreign Ministry has expressed our condolences to our surviving
cousins in the Misty Mountains.
·
On the very eve of the opening ceremonies of the
2023 Moscow Olympics, the Ministry of Defense has issued a half-hearted warning
about the giant, glowing, possibly psychotic Goddess of the Games, with a
communique released this morning. “Uh, just so you all know, if that . . .
exalted . . . person decides that she is unhappy with how things are working
out and wants to take it out on us all, there’s not like, uh, much we can do? I
mean, our army’s already gotten curb stomped and we sold our last working nuke
to Best Buy so they could get rid of that flesh worm thing in their employees?
If things go pear shaped, my suitcase is packed, is all I’m saying,” said a
visibly nervous Igor Konashekov, as he looked at the huge, tentacled vagina
that was slowly enveloping the Olympic Village. “I mean, honestly, am I crazy
or is anyone else seeing this shit?” At press time, Konashenkov was last seen
conferring with Sergei Shoigu in hopes of finding some method of escape.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
All across the Rus world, hopes are high for
today’s official Opening Celebrations of the 2023 Moscow Olympic Games! These
Games were of course begun in a fit of spite after Russia’s banning from the
2024 Paris Olympics over nonsense allegations of doping, interfering in doping
investigations, multiple deaths from steroid overdoses, and that so-called
“assassination attempt” on the Olympic Committee investigators, but now is the
time for Moscow to shine brightly! Ceremonies will start at noon Moscow Time
with the official Lighting of the Olympic Tire Fire, with this Games’ Olympic
Torch being carried by a fighting Uruk-Hai of the White Hand from Isengard,
here to compete in the downhill luge event! Following this will be a dazzling
laser show from Imperial Stormtroopers and specialists from Cobra Command! The
Moscow Olympics Committee welcomes all competitors to the Games and has issued
a commemorative jug of human growth hormone to the captains of each team.
Please drink responsibly.
·
In science news, the Ministry of Science has
released stunning new data which refutes the heliocentric view of the cosmos
and instead supports the prior cosmological system in which the Earth is a disk
supported by four elephants, who ride on the back of a giant turtle as it swims
through the universe. “We have collated the data, subjected it to rigorous
analysis and peer review, and can now state quite confidently that to a p-value
of ‘orange’ the World Turtle Mytheme is correct,” said High Science Priest Reg
LeCrispovitch. “Using the bones of Nostradamus, a splinter of the True Cross,
and a new interpretation of the Tabula Smaragdina of Hermes Trismegistus,
we have contacted the unseen world and asked the spirit of Einstein for new
universal insights. No one can possibly dispute the meaning of the phrase
‘DRINK MORE OVALTINE’ which our psychic mediums received in response.” At press
time, LeCrispovitch was last spotted attempting to surgically graft a vacuum
cleaner onto a spotted owl.
·
This week’s episode of the groundbreaking
science fiction program Tsar Trek, titled “The Alternative Factor”
features the Tsar Ship Suvrovov disabled in open waters by a mysterious
being calling himself ‘Lazarus,’ who hails from a completely unknown universe.
Can Captain Kirkovitch singlehandedly fist-fight both halves of Lazarus and
take his wallet? Can Mr. Spockula uncover the way to a whole new universe full
of washing machines to steal? What caused Scottyeva to vomit into the Dilithium
boilers, disabling the ship? Find out the answers to these questions and more,
tonight at nine o’clock Moscow Time!
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
News that China has unexpectedly voted in
favor of a United Nations Resolution condemning Russia for so-called
‘aggression’ does not represent any change in alignment, said Foreign Minister
Sergey Lavrov today. “While unexpected, this act simply signifies a diplomatic
initiative on the part of the Chinese Government which will no doubt culminate
in new requests for us to satisfy in order to maintain their support,” he said
as he poured a keg of Jack Daniels into a giant watering trough. “It is a
truism of international diplomacy that nations have interests, not friends, and
China’s interests lie wholly with getting access to more energy and mineral
resources. We believe they will hah, hah, who am I kidding? We’re fucked, even
India sees it. Might as well shapeshift into a camel and see how much booze I
can pack in my hump.” Followup questions on this topic went unanswered.
·
The 2023 Moscow Olympics have begun and the
games have commenced! While some minor procedural difficulties were experienced
after the Opening Ceremony, where several overly excited Uruk-Hai lit the fires
of Orthanc underneath the downhill luge track and destroyed it in the process,
the weather here in Moscow is perfect for competition! Yesterday, the North
Korean Rocket Bobsled team won a gold medal in the figure skating competition
after their rocket bobsled left the track and sprayed them in various athletic
poses about the ice-skating rink, earning a full ten-point score from the
Syrian judge as they stuck the landing. Following this, the Arstotzka team took
home the gold in the passport forgery competition, and the hometown Russian
team won the gold, silver, and bronze medals in the 100-meter backstab event
after no other competitors remained standing. Repairs are currently underway on
the luge track, and it is hoped that it will be functional in time for
tomorrow’s event.
·
While some concerns in the West linger that the
newly started Writer’s
Guild strike might result in more media being created by AI, please note
that our brave team of correspondents does not include any artificial
intelligences aside from Moscowsoft Bobovitch, which has been legally barred
from writing comedy after the mass suicide event at its last improv comedy
standup. We will continue to bring you all the news that is fit to be propagandized
here on Russia One News.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
News that the popular dating app Tinder has ceased operations in Russia do
not represent any threat that the Russian people might find themselves unable
to hook up for anonymous and consequence-free sex, the Ministry of Culture
announced this morning. “As a matter of fact, the Russian people already have a
wealth of domestic sex apps, including VatniksOnly, Gopniker, and WeBlyaat,”
said an anonymous spokesperson who could barely be understood through the ball
gag he was wearing along with his gimp suit. “Those fine citizens who wish to
engage in unbridled sexual debauchery with a Putin body double can even do so
with the popular VolodyaForHire app without fear of being put on an FSB
list or being forcibly conscripted and sent to the Bakhmut front, probably.”
When asked to confirm that the spokesperson was not in fact Doctor Spankula the
BDSM Avenger in disguise, the briefing was hurriedly closed.
·
Last night’s very special episode of the beloved
children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat has received condemnation from animal
rights groups, which the producers of the program have strongly rejected. “This
episode teaches a valuable lesson to the young children who watch this show,
and watching Blyaat get groomed, molested, and then sold into prostitution by
FSB agents is a valuable warning that all should heed,” said the lead animator
from the back seat of his car, where he appeared to be surrounded by ocelots
and not wearing pants. In response to the complaints, networks censors will
review the episode and be given another bribe.
·
Day three of the 2023 Moscow Olympics opens to
clear skies and a fully repaired downhill luge track, which was put back in
order by heroic effort on the part of the Moscow Olympic Committee, and the
fact that the Goddess of the Games snapped her fingers and summoned a new one
into existence. Set to compete today are the Uruk-Hai of Isengard, the Syrian
bobsled team, a Dalek, and a team of engineers led by Elon Musk, who is famous
for making things go downhill at high speed. Later today the reigning champions
of interpretive dance, the Moon Nazis, will defend their title against the up-and-coming
orcs of Mount Gundabad, and if the skies remain clear in the afternoon the
liathalon will pit Sergey Lavrov, Kellyanne Conway, and Tucker Carlson in a
100-meter dash to see who can create the least believable falsehood. We hope
you stay tuned to this channel for all your Olympic news!
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Claims that the recent terrorist drone attack on
the Kremlin were somehow ‘staged’ by President Putin as an excuse for escalation
or reprisal are ‘illogical’ according to a statement put out by the Kremlin.
“All citizens should remember that President Putin loves you and cherishes you
and would never let any of you come to harm,” the communication reads in part.
“While this event may require him to have more of you executed in hilarious
ways than is traditional on the May Day celebrations, please understand that
these acts of brutality will be done with all concern and tenderness possible.
Besides, Putin wasn’t even at the Kremlin at the time. Why would he try to
assassinate himself if he wasn’t even there?” *pause* *stares at paper* Look,
that’s what it says, I’m just reading it here. Let’s move on.
·
Due to an unfortunate copyright mix-up, today’s
Two Minutes Hate sponsored by the Ministry of Love will require all attendants
to repeatedly chant ‘Four legs good, two legs bad.’ Anyone who does not do so
will be sent to the knacker.
·
In Moscow Olympics News, the Fightin’ Uruk-Hai
from Isengard took home the gold in the downhill luge event after defeating the
Dalek and cannibalizing the Syrian team, while Elon Musk’s team suffered a
rapid unplanned unemployment event when he fired them all at the starting line.
In an upset, the Orcs of Mount Gundabad defeated the Moon Nazis in interpretive
dance, and the 100-meter liathlon was judged a draw once the collective lies
from all competitors formed a region of non-truth which tore a hole in the
fabric of reality, sucking them all into some kind of nether space region.
Today, Kazakhstan will be competing against Kyrgyzstan and a team of Corsairs
from Umbar coached by the Mouth of Sauron in the badminton event, and later all
eyes will be on the Red Lectroids as they take on Team Russia in Shot Put.
Please stay tuned for all 2023 Moscow Olympics News!