In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

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In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         Despite claims from nefarious fifth columnists, there has been no actual damage to the Russian A-50 Mainstay surveillance military aircraft which was on a secret mission to Belarus and supposedly ‘attacked’ by partisans. While it is true that such an aircraft would be difficult if not impossible to replace, and that the loss such a plane would be a terrible blow to the military, the good news is that almost all of the parts that came off were successfully located, extinguished, and mostly glued back on by technicians. Any enemy propaganda suggesting that it cannot protect our skies simply because it is now missing a wing or because the radar dome was replaced with an inflatable bouncy castle are simply lies from the decadent West.

ˇ         In spite of some reporting, Russian President Vladimir Putin is not from a species which reproduces by using their noses as ovipositors to place their eggs in freshly dropped piles of elephant dung. Putin’s observed activities in the Moscow Central Zoo are simply a hobby.

ˇ         This week’s episode of the ground-breaking science fiction program Tsar Trek  features a special guest appearance by none other than legendary actor Gérard Depardieu, who is stuffed into a lizard costume to play the part of a menacing Gorn, when he and Captain Kirkovitch are forced to match wits and strength in a battle to the death. Can Captain Kirkovitch sober up in time to find some weapon to defeat his enemy? Can the Gorn stop eating the scenery props long enough to film the episode? Why is the bridge crew of the Tsar Ship Suvrovov betting against their captain? Find out the answers to these questions and more, tonight at nine o’clock Moscow Time!

 

 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         Western media reports that the airspace over St. Petersburg was briefly closed Tuesday morning are true, albeit highly misleading. While an object which presented danger to civilian aviation was spotted, it was not a saboteur drone but an experiment in necromantic goat flight performed at St. Petersburg Eldritch University, in which a reanimated goat carcass was given the power of flight by occult powers from the Lobsternomicon in the hopes of becoming a new antiballistic missile defense system. “The American HIMARS system will no longer pose any threat at all once our demonic goat system can meet their rockets in midair and headbutt them to destruction!” Ministry of Defense spokesperson Igor Konashenkov said today from the University’s prestigious Tower of Thaumaturgy. “And once the next phase of our program commences and the hordes of zombified sewer lobsters are unleased on our unsuspecting foes, the world will know true fear!” Konashenkov then spent the next five minutes laughing maniacally with his pinkie to his mouth before being led away by assistants in white coats.

ˇ         Despite some reports, the 2023 Moscow Olympic Committee has not yet made a decision on whether or not the sport of chainsaw swallowing will be included in the roster of games. We will continue to report on this story as it develops.

ˇ         Due to disappointing sales from Sir-Put-A-Lot’s debut album, Vladimir Putin has decided to instead embark on a new career as a still life painter, donning an artistic smock and taking inspiration from other notable historical figures who were also artists such as Hitler, George W. Bush, and John Wayne Gacy. “While many believe that Gacy only painted horrifying and nightmarish pictures of clowns when not brutally torturing and murdering people, few know that he also applied his artistic calling to drawing bowls of fruit,” a worried curator at the Moscow Museum of Art said in response to questions by our man-in-the-street reporter. “All I can say is, that in response to a Kremlin request we sent over stacks of canvases, paints, paintbrushes, and a gopnik we found passed out on the front stairs.” As of press time the howls of pain and someone yelling “Just hold the fruit bowl, dammit!” have been ringing out from the Kremlin for hours.

 

 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         Despite some previous reporting and commentary by Ministry of Defense Spokesperson Igor Konashenkov, it is now believed that slightly more  than ten Ukrainian drones were used in the recent, tragic attack on the peace-loving people of Crimea. While almost all were shot down by Russian air defense forces, some evidence suggests that one, or possibly more managed to strike and cause slight damage to various places on the strategic peninsula, including but not limited to the air traffic control towers at multiple air bases along with planes, hangars, runways, and cars and houses belonging to military personnel. Additionally, a handful of local anecdotes regarding completely trivial instances of ‘apocalyptic destruction’ have not been verified and most likely will not be investigated due to the unlikelihood there being any truth in the matter and the fact that all investigators were killed by the drone strike. Memorial services will be held next Thursday or whenever burning debris stops falling from the skies.

ˇ         Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved children’s cartoon, in which the lovable rapscallion Jon contracted ‘spider clap’ from a diseased sex worker and went on to cover the Duma in spider webs and baby spiders sprayed from his genitals was a work of fiction and does not represent any new sexually transmitted infection currently wreaking havoc among prostitutes in Moscow. It is recommended however that all parties engaging is such behavior should use personal protection, including condoms and spray cans of Raid.

ˇ         The Ministry of Culture would like express congratulations to Igorina Igorovna, winner of the 2023 Babuska of the Year award. Her prize-winning performance on the stage of Bolshoi Theatre in which she slaughtered a pig and prepared traditional Doctor’s Sausage using only animal entrails, sawdust, pork rectums, and more sawdust was only an enjoyable prelude to her finale in which she downed a liter of bathtub vodka and clubbed Dmitry Medvedev with an uncured ham hock. As part of her prize package, she will be awarded a brand new 2023 Lada Granta, a selection of fine pork products from the estate of the recently departed Sausage King of Russia, and the opportunity to club Medvedev with ham whenever the mood strikes her.

 

 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         President Vladimir Putin’s recent call to all loyal Russians to support their country with the stirring cry of “Minions, Kick a Puppy in Public for Russia!” has angered animal rights activist and caused consternation within the rank-and-file, according to insider reports from the riots which have broken out all over Moscow and St. Petersburg. “Who is he to tell us what to kick?” screamed one furious gopnik who was participating in a brutal mob beating of a telephone pole. “While the statement has caused morale problems within the armed forces, it is nothing compared to the injuries caused,” stated the head doctor for admissions at Moscow Central Hospital’s Emergency Room. “We’ve so far seen sixteen cases of mauling deaths where a crowd of Putin supporters broke into the zoo and attempted to kick a polar bear, apparently thinking it was a puppy. Where will this end?” At press time, the lifeless body of a Kremlin bodyguard could be seen being gnawed on by a small Shih Tzu in Red Square.

ˇ         In news on the economic front, shares in mineral extraction holding companies are up sharply after reports of a new vein of Bored Ape NFTs were found in the sewers under Moscow. This highly prized ore is considered to be the best substance for the creation of new financial rug pull instruments, and metallurgists and cryptographers alike from all over Russia have expressed interest and confusion. “That’s not how any of this works,” said one investor on a investment call with the Central Bank, “But you know what? Put me down for two million dollars’ worth, I bet I’ll make trillions!” Amur Minerals Corporation has won the first round of extraction contracts and is now raising funds to obtain enough unobtanium to mine this precious resource.

ˇ         In late-breaking news, a doping scandal has broken out at the headquarters of the 2023 Moscow Olympic Committee. Confidential unnamed sources have reported mass usage of steroids and human growth hormones among the executives vying for the rights to grift competitors, attendees, and contactors alike. Hulga Olgavogna, the MOC spokesperson, when reached for comment simply stated “YEERARRRGH!” and crushed an office desk with one powerful blow. We will continue to update on this breaking news story as it develops.

 

 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         Breathless reporting from panicked Western media sources claiming that Russia plans to invite millions of American conservatives to enjoy the true freedom of Russian citizenship are simply the metaphorical ‘tip of the iceberg,’ according to Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov. “We have also issued invitations to like-minded people in such far-flung places as Myanmar, North Korea, Syria, and Equatorial Guinea, not to mention our pan-species diplomatic efforts among the Emperor Penguins of Antarctica and New Zealand and the subantarctic fur seals of South America. Such lovely, lovely seals!” Further questions from reporters were unable to distract the Foreign Minister from his pinniped contemplations and his handlers soon returned him to his quarters where he could complete his lycanthropic transformation into a polar bear in peace.

ˇ          The Ministry of Defense has today issued a recall for the latest printing of the standard army Infantry Field Manual due to unspecified typographical errors which occurred in the text. General Staff at Frunze Military Academy has offered a two-page pamphlet consisting of minor corrections to the training manual for the unfortunate cases where the instructions have been drilled into the troops, specifying that armed antipersonnel mines should in fact not be used as entrenching tools and that unexploded mortar rounds can be used to fuel warm cooking fires. A new Infantry Field Manual will be printed as soon as investigations into the use of radioactive waste from Chernobyl as a laxative are complete.

ˇ         In other news, the new Spring Sale from the luxury fashion line Babushka’s Backdoor has started, offering 15 to 25% off all burlap lingerie items and a buy-on-get-one-free offer for their signature crotchless burlap panty collection. In celebration of this new sale, Babushka’s Backdoor corporate marketing has enlisted both Steven Seagal and Gérard Depardieu as models to showcase the new La Vision Horrible collection consisting of thong and bustier sets made from repurposed truck tires. The official debut of this line is slated to take place on the catwalk at Babushka’s Backdoor headquarters with both paramedics and crisis counselors standing by.

 

 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         While some nefarious Western or fifth columnist sources may claim that Russian President Vladimir Putin has no room in his heart for the love of anything at all, due to the fact that it was surgically removed and replaced with a desiccated toadstool in a tragic Kamchatkan ritual sacrifice mishap, let it be known now that he in fact has a pet he cherishes more deeply than anything else on this earth. Yes, it is true that dogs will howl and cats will vomit into slippers at a higher-than-normal rate whenever his name is mentioned, but even so Putin has a special friend that he holds most dear, which is a stuffed Iguana named Chuckles which in life was the only friend he had when he was an orphan boy forced to sieve corn kernels from the effluence of the sewage spew of . . . *touches earpiece* I’m sorry, I’m being told that Putin has just ordered Chuckles to be executed for high treason. Well, it just goes to show what I’ve always said, you can never trust a stuffed iguana. Moving on.

ˇ         In more unfortunate treason news, it appears our beloved imaginary ex-weathergirl Svetlana gone over to the enemy and taken up residence inside the head of Good Morning, Moscow!’s chief on-air personality. While this rival broadcast here at the Kremlin has long been a thorn in our side, this ultimate insult has been answered, as a crack team of production interns were fitted last night with explosive vests and sent over to *explosion in the distance* solve the problem.  We will have a special memorial broadcast on Thursday.

ˇ         The official Twitter account of the 2023 Moscow Olympics was briefly hijacked today by hackers claiming to be from the “Sybian Liberation Front” who replaced the Olympic Rings symbol with blurry and incorrect schematics for a mechanical masturbation aid. “Brothers and Sisters under sexual repression stand up and be counted, unless, like you’re into that, which is totally cool,” read the announcement, which was quickly taken down by Kremlin IT staffers. Tragically, however, what appears to have been a mistranslation in the schematics has resulted in significant injuries in at least twelve cases where interested parties constructed homemade mechanical dildo devices powered by V8 engines and suffered extensive damage to their anal or genital areas. “We have put in a desperate plea for an emergency delivery of a Ford 4C3Z-6051-EB Cylinder Head Gasket to repair this poor man’s ability to defecate, but Western sanctions are crippling our ability to help,” the director general of Moscow Central Hospital said in a tear-filled interview today. “Please, Americans, won’t you think of this man’s destroyed rectum?” At press time, the unfortunate victim of this tragic hacking incident was making “vroom-vroom” noises while sitting on the hospital toilet.

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         Western media reports that Russian soldiers are somehow being ‘forced’ to fight with shovels due to some nebulous ammunition shortage are yet another example of the high morale among our troops and their desire to emulate President Vladimir Putin, Ministry of Defense spokesperson Igor Konashenkov said this morning in brief remarks at the Nizhny Novgorod Shovel Foundry. “As all know, in his childhood Putin once defeated an entire horde of Kamchatkan Land Squid using only a snow shovel, a feat which earned him a place in folklore as a spade-wielding defender of justice,” Konashenkov said to a crowd of workers. “No true disciple of Putin’s art of shovel-fu needs anything more to fight for Mother Russia!” At press time, a new conscript battalion was being formed and trained with the ancient military art of Amish Rake Fighting as strategic reinforcements.

ˇ         The announcement that Tasty Period will soon be producing locally-made Happy Meal Toys has raised fears of yet another copyright infringement lawsuit, which corporate headquarters has been quick to dispel. “This new line of kid-friendly meals complete with special prizes bears no resemblance to the original McDonalds “Happy Meal” and any legal claims are simply cultural bias,” stated spokesperson Ronald McDonaldovitch. “Our new offering will be a uniquely Russian take on a global concept, and these “Tragedy Meals” will come with a six-piece Conscript McNugget Pack, our legendary Szechuan Sauce made with runoff from Moscow Central Hospital’s burn unit, and a special toy made from unexploded ordnance from the Special Military Operation in Ukraine to please the kiddos.” Shares in both Tasty Period and Moscow Central Hospital were up sharply in aftermarket trading.

ˇ         This week’s episode of the groundbreaking science fiction program Tsar Trek, titled ‘Tomorrow is Yesterday’ thrusts the Tsar Ship Suvrovov into harms’ way as a drunken and hallucinating Chekov pilots the ship through a space-time distortion and into the past. Can the crew avoid changing history while lost in the fourteenth century? What will they steal in a time before washing machines existed? Can Mr. Spockula drink enough bathtub gin to pilot the ship back to the present day? Find out the answers to these questions and more, tonight at nine o’clock Moscow Time!

 

 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         The new cinematic masterpiece by acclaimed Russian director Andrei Aleksovovovitch, Things to do in Bakhmut When You’re Dead, has been awarded the highest marks by critics across the entire nation, according to the Ministry of Culture. “Aleksovovovitch’s masterpiece of avant-garde storytelling follows the heroic actions of a squad of prisoners who are conscripted by Wagner and killed in the first forty-five seconds of the film, and simply lie in a muddy field for the next two hours in an utterly brilliant example of the craft,” reads a statement put out by the Ministry of Culture’s spokesperson. “A special honor should also go to famed actor Steven Seagal and his thrilling depiction of a bloated corpse, a role which no other thespian could convey with such clarity.” Aleksovovovitch is now planning work on his next masterpiece about the war, involving an aged conscript forced to defuse live bombs and tentatively titled The Old Man and the C-4.

ˇ         The ongoing preparation for the 2023 Moscow Olympics has run into an unfortunate hurdle as allegations of doping, steroid abuse, and abuse of human growth hormones have hit not only the Olympic Committee itself but also vendors who are vying to supply the games, according to investigative journalists. “To date, six executives in the MOC have died of explosive heart failure brought on by personally testing the steroids intended for the Games, and now in a tragic incident two Tasty Period delivery truck drivers were crushed to death when an accounts receivable clerk became enraged and smashed them with a 55-gallon drum of human growth hormone,” reads one column in the Moscow Herald. The head of the Moscow Olympic Committee has personally pledged to investigate this matter and rip the flesh from the bones of anyone caught wasting precious steroids.

  


In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         In unfortunate diplomatic news, the Moon Nazis have declined to send military equipment to assist in the Special Military Operation in Ukraine, pointing to an ongoing conflict with the Borg which is tying up all available forces. “Uh, vee vould love to helf with zu little war, but nein,” reads a statement handed to Minister of Defense Sergei Shoigu on his latest attempt to escape planet Earth. Loyal FSB agents sent to reclaim Shoigu additionally reported that a Borg cube in moon orbit analyzed their technology and politely declined to assimilate them.

ˇ         There is no truth to the reports that the state of the Russian army is so dire that a battalion of grandmothers armed with rolling pins has been raised as strategic reserves for the battle of Bakhmut. They will instead be assigned to territorial defense around Smolensk.

ˇ         Reports that South Korea has approved the transfer of Krabs howitzers to Ukraine do not represent a significant escalation or new threat, according to Ministry of Defense spokesperson Igor Konashenkov. “Every true Russian soldier knows how to deal with krabs,” he said in recent remarks. “Even if you don’t have one of those little combs, a match and a bottle of vodka can do the trick.” At press time, the Moscow Central Hospital burn unit was gearing up to deal with self-inflicted genital scorches.

ˇ         This week’s heartwarming episode of the beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which the titular feline crept through the Moscow sewers and vomited a disgusting, worm-filled mass directly into the Kremlin cafeteria’s salad bar was not a message to The Resistance. It was, however, yet another disheartening event which has caused a lack of confidence for the food service team who are still trying to clean up after that ‘flood of raw sewage’ event last week. At this time it is recommended that cafeteria patrons avoid the salad bar and skip the continental breakfast offering entirely.


 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         Despite some reporting, there are no new ‘Frankenstein Tanks’ being produced by the Ministry of Defense by cobbling together whatever spare parts from destroyed or obsolete equipment, according to a press briefing delivered this morning. “This is a long-planned evolution of military gear intended to foster a sense of mechanical engineering, creativity, and the necromantic arts among young Russian children,” Ministry of Defense spokesperson Igor Konashenkov said while being strapped down on a crude experimentation table to have electrodes installed in his neck. “We have perfectly suitable tracked vehicles remaining from surplus stocks from the Great Patriotic War, and we have a wide variety of interesting arms and legs, not to mention other body parts, returning from the front daily. It just makes sense, if you think about it.” At press time, an experimental OT-54 flamethrower tank had been equipped with sixteen human feet to replace one tank tread and then lifted up on a platform in the hopes that it might be soon struck by lightning.

ˇ         The official motto of the 1135th Conscript Brigade is not ‘Zoinks!’ even if they have been sent to the front in a 1985 UAZ-452 truck painted with psychedelic colors. Additionally, soldiers, your commanding officer is not Old  Man Winters in a ghost costume so please stop trying to pull off his mask. 

ˇ         The Occult Institute of Volgograd has put out an emergency notice after a tragic mixup in their experimental summoning chamber. “In an unfortunate twist, our caterer was accidentally trapped inside the restraining pentagram when D’olgoruk the Accursed, Slayer of the Sixteenth Hell was summoned in the hopes of providing winning lottery ticket numbers,” said lead Occult researcher Yegor Yaganogovitch. “While the research team was able to reverse the incantation and return the demonic entity to the underworld, the caterer—and our breakfast, I might add—suffered complete protonic reversal and disappeared. While the donuts and coffee he was serving have been found and destroyed by automatic weapons fire after they transformed into demonic nightmare versions of themselves, the cheese Danishes have escaped. Please, if you see any suspicious cheese Danishes, call our emergency line immediately!” We will continue to report on this story as it develops.

 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         The recent hypersonic missile attack launched by elements of the Russian Army, the Russian Air Force, the Russian Strategic Rocket Forces, and Yegor and Tegor’s Five Ring Circus outside of Moscow were a complete success, the Ministry of Defense said this morning. “Our advanced hypersonic missiles were able to completely evade some of Ukraine’s defenses and most were able to utterly destroy something in the general area of what they were aimed at,” spokesperson Igor Konashenkov said in a Kremlin press briefing. “Additionally, newly developed cruise missiles demonstrated their effectiveness at the mid-air destruction of air defense missiles sent to intercept them, and the two hundred circus clowns fired from Yegor and Tegor’s Human Cannonball launcher proved decisive in the effort to confuse air defense operators, who had no idea at all what they were looking at.” Konashenkov then outlined plans to further increase circus clown production at the Vladimir Putin Commemorative Clown School in Nizhny Novgorod for future attacks.

ˇ         Despite previous reporting, the so-called “Babuskha Brigade” of conscripted grandmothers armed with rolling pins has not been deployed to territorial defense outside of Smolensk due to riots within the battalion itself, and the fact that military police sent to quell the disturbances were fed home-cooked seasoned potatoes and then clubbed mercilessly to death. Instead, a newly raised military unit of psychiatric patients from psikhushkas across Russia will be armed with hand grenades, methamphetamines, and rubber chickens in a military science experiment to see what happens next.

ˇ         Spurred on by the recent success of Moscow’s necromancy certification program which requires all practitioners of the forbidden arts to be up to date with training and licensing, Mayor Sergey Sobyanin has launched a new effort hoping to regulate street gopnik fights. “Some day in the far future, Russia may no longer be an international pariah state and Moscow may once again see rich tourists visit our fair city. Can we risk having these hypothetical future tourist dollars dry up when visitors are mugged and robbed by inadequately drunken idiots? I thought not.” Sobyanin’s initial proposal includes draft language requiring a minimum blood alcohol level and number of track suit tears before any criminal acts are allowed.

 

 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         The highly unusual decision by the 2023 Moscow Olympic Committee to award themselves the Gold Medal in Grift before any games have been played or any work at all has been done in preparation for the event represents the highest ideal of the International Olympic Committee, stated MOC spokesperson Hulga Olgavogna in remarks delivered from her golden throne in her Dacha on the Black Sea Coast. “For as long as the Olympic Games have been held, the culture of corruption, malfeasance, scams, and outright theft has prevailed, and it is with this history that we judge ourselves to among the best grifters in the world.” She further stated that additional awards will be given at the groundbreaking ceremony for the six-trillion-ruble Olympic Stadium to be built at the ruins of the Evropeysky Shopping Center at Kiyevsky Station, at least if there’s any money left when work starts.

ˇ         Last night’s very special episode of the beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which the lovable rapscallion Jon injected horse steroids into the titular diseased cat who then raped a destroyed T-72 tank until it came back to life thereby earning them both the title of Hero of the Soviet Union, does not represent any new plans to bring the Soviet-era title back into service according to the Ministry of Culture. “Such a thing would not even make sense,” Minister Olga Lyubimova said in response to queries by this program. “This episode was simply intended to teach young children the glory of producing weapons for the nation of Russia.” At press time, sales of horse steroids had risen sharply.

ˇ         In defense research news, the Ministry of Defense has issued a statement regarding the recent rampage by the AI-powered T-14 Armata tank, which violated all three Laws of Russia Robotics in its attempt to seek out and destroy its hated rival ChatGPT. “Unfortunately, in order to access the large language model chatbot, it was required that technicians install Microsoft Bing and the resulting cascade of errors ended up with all behavioral inhibitors falling out the back of the tank,” said the leader of the surviving researchers Igor Asimovitch. “Future efforts in this regard will involve either downgrading to a less complex browser, re-examining the Russian Laws of Robotics, or maybe just trying the whole thing again to what happens this time.” When reached for comment, ChatGPT would only respond with “LOL” and streams of racial slurs.

 

 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         While many in the West may debate the relative values of so-called ‘New York’ versus ‘Chicago style’ pizza, a new survey by a Moscow-based pizza lover’s polling institute has shown that 97% of all Muscovites prefer a Moscow-style pizza to a bullet in the head, according to the FSB cafeteria assassin’s guild. “New York style has its defenders, as does the casserole dish known as ‘Chicago Style,’ but the latest market research shows that the overwhelming majority of people being forced to eat pizza at gunpoint prefer ‘Moscow Style’ pizza instead of being shot in the head and having their corpse tossed out in a dumpster to rot,” said “Pizza or Else” spokesperson Mario “Meat Cleaver” Palermovitch. While the combination of hand-tossed crust, marinara, broken glass, and bullet shells may not appear to be one that would appeal to Western audiences, “Meat Cleaver” Palermovitch has expressed high hopes that a new franchise may strongarm its way into American markets someday soon.

ˇ         Despite some previous reporting, there is no truth to the reports that scientists from the Max Planck institute for Physics have investigated the 1135th Conscript Battalion’s morale in the hopes of finding a measurement that is smaller than the Planck Length. As we all know, the known laws of physics prevent any measurable distance or quantity from being below this value, and as such the Ministry of Defense has taken steps to preserve the laws of the physical universe by executing all involved conscripts with extremely small machine gun fire. We can all rest assured that tonight the physical laws of the universe will be upheld, one way or another.

ˇ         In unfortunate Kaiju news, it has been discovered that the long planned rollout of Mecha Baba Yaga 2.0 was simply yet another escape attempt by Defense Minister Sergey Shoigu, who hijacked the monstrous robot in a Ministry of Defense demonstration and attempted to stomp his way to freedom. Loyal FSB agents were able to summon Gamera, who defeated Shoigu’s bid for freedom in a climactic battle which destroyed numerous extremely expensive dachas on the Black Sea Coast. Moscow Olympic Committee spokesperson Hulga Olgavogna, who luckily was absent from her summer residence at the time for steroid treatments, issued a bloodcurdling scream in place of a statement and crushed a boulder with her bare hands in response. It is hoped that Gamera will remain the protector of humanity and continue to save us from our own idiotic decisions.

 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         The Moscow-based Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Aliens has today issued a statement decrying the Duma’s recent anti-alien legislation, calling it horrifying and inhumane. “This barbaric piece of law calls for all extraterrestrials to be registered, microchipped, and spayed or neutered or to have their ovipositors removed in chilling effort to prevent the exercise of their reproductive rights,” the MSPCA statement reads in part. “This is simply more state-sponsored repression of our off-world friends, who may not all be model citizens but still have much to offer our society.” In a stark rebuttal, the Anti-Xenomorph League pointed to the recent mass panic caused when an escaped alien facehugger implanted an embryo in the Jell-O salad in the Kremlin cafeteria. “We can’t just go on pretending like these things aren’t happening, the League spokesperson said in prepared remakes. “The current policy of brainwashing extraterrestrials into thinking that they’re Canadian and then shipping them off to the United States can’t last forever.” At press time, the office of American Senator Ted Cruz had no comment.

ˇ         Reports by the Institute for the Study of War that the Wagner offensive in Bakhmut has ‘culminated’ are false, according to Kremlin spokesperson Dmitry Peskov. “We have not culminated but fulminated, we have activated our armor-plated and automated troops who have dominated with calculated detonation of the agitation until our demonstration of self-amputation has ACK!” he said in recent remarks while clutching at his neck where he had been shot with a tranquilizer dart. He was then hurriedly dragged off stage by his assistants and replaced by a small potted Ficus tree which continued the briefing in a more orderly fashion.

ˇ         This week’s episode of the ground-breaking science fiction program Tsar Trek, titled ‘Court Martial’ pits Captain Kirkovitch in a desperate fight for his own career as he stands before the mast, accused of sodomy, drunkenness, piracy, insulting the Tsar, and sodomy. Can he outwit the lawyers and get away with his crimes? Can Mr. Spockula concoct a vodka so strong that it wipes the judge’s memory completely away? Why is the captain continuing to commit sodomy with the ship’s goat in the courtroom? Find out the answers to these questions and more, tonight at nine O’clock Moscow time!

 

 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         News that Gary Glitter has been recalled to prison has filled the FSB Psychological Operations Directorate with utter despair, according to anonymous sources within the organization. “We spent thirty fucking years getting our backmasked vocals into a #1 hit single, and we ended up with him going to prison for fucking kiddie diddling, for God’s sake,” a completely exasperated deep cover operative said in off-the-record remarks. “I mean, I put up with this fucking bullshit recording industry for my entire career, and this is how it ends up?” Followup research performed after this interview discovered that the backmasked vocals on Glitter’s Rock and Roll, Part Two consisted only of Bill Cosby mumbling “Mmm hrmm, Jello puddin’ pops!” over and over again, a discovery which our contact was unable to explain as he had committed ritual suicide the day before by being thrown out of a twelve-story building onto polonium bullets. We will continue to report on this story should any new developments occur.

ˇ         In preparation for the Discovery Channel’s 2023 Shark Week, the producers of the program have announced in advance that the crew of the heavy cruiser Moskva will not be attending festivities this year. Neither will legendary Russian folk hero Rasputin, the victims of the 1771 Russian Bubonic Plague outbreak, or American cartoonist Scott Adams’ career, for equally obvious reasons.

ˇ         Despite some reports, the previously announced artificial intelligence system based around the brain scans of Mike Tyson will not be deployed in the field as a tactical analysis expert system embodied in a 2S19 Msta 152 mm self-propelled howitzer system. Mr. Tyson’s expertise in personal combat has been found to be better suited to serve as the head boxing coach for Team Russia in the 2023 Moscow Olympic games, and anyway the research team on Project Pigeon has left explicit instructions in their last wills and testaments to shut the whole thing down. Memorial services will be held next Thursday.

 


 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         Recent official reports that no Russian jets came into contact with the downed American drone over the Black Sea are only slightly incorrect, according to new information released by the Ministry of Defense. “Honestly, one plane versus zero planes, that’s like, just a rounding error, really,” said MoD spokesperson Igor Konashenkov in late remarks. “What’s important to understand is that sometimes these extremely complicated aircraft simply revert to their base animal natures and try to procreate with each other, and it takes a skilled pilot to prevent sudden unsafe air-to-air intercourse between two different flights. While we publicly regret the loss of the American military asset we are glad that our own fighter aircraft was able to make it back to base with only minimal damage that a bit of bondo, spackle, and some new wings and cockpit can fix.” Konashenkov was unable to answer further questions on the topic as he was suddenly forced to try to prevent his speaker lectern and overhead projector from copulating mid-briefing.

ˇ         Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which Opo the Unexploded Bomb was tortured by FSB agents in the Lubyanka and Blyaat melted a hole in the Baikonur Cosmodrome by expelling a stream of liquid feces so foul that it dissolved high carbon steel, was not a message to The Resistance. The subsequent explosion in which Opo leveled the FSB headquarters, however, almost certainly was and will be investigated immediately.

ˇ         In luxury retail news, the designer fashion line Babushka’s Backdoor has announced a new spring line of silk lingerie which promises to get hearts racing as the days get longer.  “This new collection features slips and garters and our signature crotchless panties lovingly made from the most tender strips of webbing taken from the critically endangered Kamchatkan Tree Spider, and hand-sewn by the brave souls who venture into Tree Spider territory and survive,” reads the latest advertising copy. Safe handling instructions include hand washing, drying flat, and crushing any spider eggs found before they hatch and infest your genitalia. “Remember, be sexy, be safe, and avoid crotch spiders if you can!”

 

 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         Reports that the Wagner private military company is now advertising on PornHub to help recruit new soldiers for the Special Military Operation in Ukraine are false, according to the Wagner leader Yevgeny Prigozhin. “Our recruiting drive, using the slogan ‘Forward All Troops!’ did advertise in a number of unusual and creative locations, but Operation FAP was strictly limited to Russian web sites,” he said in televised remarks while masturbating furiously. “As of now, we are only buying ad space on sites with audiences sympathetic to our cause, like HornyBabushkas.ru, TeenConscript.ru, and Twitter.” At press time, reports were coming in that yet another attack near Bakhmut had stalled out due to, and I quote, ‘a bunch of jerkoffs in command.’

ˇ         Despite some reports, Russian President Vladimir Putin does not have a ‘Welcome to Pound Town’ sign over his bed in his official residence. That sign belonged to his former lover Viktor Lukashenko and he was forced to return it when the couple broke up.

ˇ         In Olympic news, the official groundbreaking ceremony for the new stadium and athlete village for the 2023 Moscow Olympics has taken place, with MOC spokesperson Hulga Olgavogna personally excavating the ruins of the Evropeysky Shopping Center at Kiyevsky Station herself with nothing but a shovel and a fifty-five gallon barrel of horse steroids. “We have high hopes that this year’s Olympic Games will be a model of fair competition for the entire world to see,” she screamed through clenched teeth shortly before her shovel struck a gas line and caused a massive five-alarm conflagration. We will continue to report on this story once the fires are put out and we find out how much of her still remains.

 

 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         While some parts of the world may make much ado about today being “Saint Patrick’s Day” here in Russia all true sons and daughters of the Motherland know that today is more correctly known as Saint Yuri’s Day, who is of course the 13th century patron saint of street brawling, homemade grain alcohol, and stabbings. Revelers all across this great nation will celebrate this day by drunkenly fighting with random strangers, and President Vladimir Putin himself has pledged to drink in excess and knife at least one member of his inner cabinet in a show of solidarity with the Russian people. If it is true as they say that Saint Patrick achieved fame by driving all of the snakes out of Ireland with his bagpipe playing, can anyone not see the superior glory of the Russian favorite saint? I thought not.

ˇ         Recently surfaced video which, according to the nefarious West, purports to show Wagner soldiers shooting each other, pushing each other into gunfire, or feeding each other feet-first and screaming into wood chippers does not show any kind of breakdown in unit morale, no matter what enemy propaganda would wish the world to believe. In truth, soldiers at the front lines will often play harmless pranks on each other in order to relieve the tension of combat, and much of these videos simply show your common ‘Ha, Ha, I shot you in the dick’ jokes which are beloved by warfighters all over the world. In fact, even the famed American 101st Airborne in the 1944 Siege of Bastogne were known to goof around with high explosives and mechanical shredding devices, leading to many hilarious cases of . . . *touches earpiece* . . . I’m being told the wood chipper footage has not been leaked as of yet. Um . . . moving on.

ˇ         In an effort to combat lagging sales due to the recently discovered carcinogenic, mutagenic, and demonic possession side effects of the new See-Food™ BlyaatBurger, management at Tasty Period has introduced an all-new corporate mascot which will surely appeal to kids and the young at heart of all ages. “Tonkles the Demonic Pustule” will be attending the ribbon-cutting ceremony to officially open the newest Tasty Period franchise in the mostly renovated lead smelting plant in Dalnegorsk, Siberia, and we can be sure those mouthwatering scents of BlyaatBurgers and lead trimmings will tempt the surviving inhabitants of the locality to open their hearts and their pocketbooks to eat whatever the hell it is that they managed to press into a burger shape this time. Tasty Period shares are already up sharply in early trading, and rumors that Steven Seagal himself may play Tonkles in an upcoming feature film are sure to drive future earnings. We will continue to report on this story as it develops.

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         News that the illegal International Criminal Court has issued an arrest warrant for Russian President Vladimir Putin comes as no surprise, according to legal analysts within the 141st Attorney’s Conscript Battalion, which has been recently raised from lawyers all over Russia. “While there is unlikely to be any real-world action resulting from this warrant, precedent has been set,” said PFC Yegor Yaganovitch, Attorney At Law, while dodging incoming rifle fire from the defenders of Bakhmut. “Putin is unlikely to visit any of the nations which are bound by the ICC treaty anyway, and ULP!” he said in further remarks just before being shot in the head, causing cheers to go up from soldiers on both sides of the line.

ˇ         The five-alarm fire sparked by Moscow Olympic Committee spokesperson Hulga Olgavogna’s attempts at personally excavating the ruins of the Evropeysky Shopping Center at Kiyevsky Station has been put out through the heroic efforts of firefighters from all over Moscow, no doubt helped by the seasonal rain and the fact that anything remotely flammable has already been burned for warmth by looters picking through the remains of the blighted food court. “We are still holding out hopes for finding our missing Hulga,” the MOC deputy spokesperson said, bravely holding back tears and clutching a scrap of the destroyed 55-gallon drum of horse steroids which was the last thing anyone had seen near her. At press time, hazmat crews were raking through the coals with specialty equipment in the hopes of finding any remains while not disturbing the last resting place of the extradimensional entity known as Ska'naag, or 'It which devours by claw,' which previously exploding in the Tasty Period HappyLand PlayTime ball pit.

 

 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         Despite some claims, Vladimir Putin was not impersonated by a poorly programmed android on his surprise trip to Mariupol. He was simply overcome with emotion when faced with the heroic sacrifices our brave soldiers have made in the Special Military Operation in Ukraine, and like the brave man he is, instead of showing tears he simply shrieked “ERROR 54! BATTERY LOW! ERROR 54! BATTERY LOW!” over and over again. Following his ordeal, he will be returned to his technicians for a full recharge and disk defragment.

ˇ         News that former American President Donald Trump expects to be arrested this Tuesday comes as no surprise to the Kremlin, spokesperson Dmitry Peskov said in remarks on the variety show Late Night with Two Rabid Mountain Lions. “As we have all seen, justice in the West is available to the highest bidder, and the American justice system has obviously been bought out by the international banking system to bring freedom fighters like Trump to heel,” he stated shortly before his head was gnawed off and used as a playtoy by the two hydrophobic giant cats. Later acts on the show included the musical act Uriah Heep and a cooking segment featuring Gérard Depardieu boiling and eating an entire ham. Memorial services for Peskov will be held next Thursday.

ˇ         In product safety news, the luxury designer line Babushka’s Backdoor has issued an emergency recall for all four-inch personal massagers bearing the “Just Like Daddy” or “Little Volodya” trademarks due to reports of explosive detonation while in use. Regulators are currently investigating multiple reports of men arriving at emergency rooms missing buttocks or prostates and at least one case of a man having been launched through a window by a blast. Unsubstantiated reports that the “Farm Time Fun” inflatable goat toys pose a threat of spontaneous possession by Elder Gods are being investigated but currently no recall notice has been issued.

 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         Claims that the United States of America is creating a ‘Legion of Doom’ are false, according to Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov. “The nation of Russia has long been a champion of diplomacy and of building frameworks with other nations in order to push our common goals forward, and our new alliances of need with China, Iran, the Plateau of Leng, and The Terrorist Kingdom of Murderabad are simply in the interest of world peace,” he said through a translator after having been lycanthropically shapeshifted into a fire elemental to avoid damage when his pants subsequently burst into flames. “We hope all like-minded countries in the world will join us for our vision of a new world order where all can be free to delight in chaos and crime.”

ˇ         Kremlin Spokesperson Dmitry Peskov today has issued a statement calling for the Ministry of Culture to investigate the long-running daytime drama series “The Babushkas of Our Lives” for violating what he claims Vladmir Putin calls “the most basic precepts of storytelling.” “You can’t just have characters get killed over and over again and then come back as their long-lost evil twin or identical nephew from a different mother,” he said. “Sure, some people are lucky enough to be grown in vats in a clone factory where a new version of someone can just be popped out of a can when you need a new one, but how common is that?” In a freak accident only moments later the floor of the briefing room collapsed into the basement, dropping him mid-scream into the Kremlin’s Sarlaac pit. Memorial services will be held next Thursday.

ˇ         This week’s episode of the ground-breaking science fiction program Tsar Trek, titled ‘The Return of the Archons’ pits Captain Kirkovitch and the Away Team against a civilization led by a ruthless computer bent on doing anything and everything necessary to bring about better lives for its people. Can Captain Kirkovitch outwit the computer and bring about a profitable chaos? Will the peace-loving people of planet Beta-III notice Chekov stealing their washing machines? Why is Mr. Spockula corrupting the children with bathtub gin? Find out the answers to these questions and more, tonight at nine o’clock Moscow time!

 

 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         Reports that Ukrainian forces successfully attacked and destroyed an important logistical hub in Crimea using drones covered with ‘Troll Face’ meme stickers are false, according to a special emergency briefing given by Ministry of Defense spokesperson Igor Konashenkov. “There is no indication that our enemies are capable of launching sophisticated drones, and anyway, the so-called ‘troll face’ stickers are simply the official markings of the 127th conscript Troll battalion, proving once and for all that this was simply a mechanical defect or case of inaccurate targeting,” he said from behind his lectern in the Chamber of Mazarbul. “As all are aware, Wagner’s recent military recruiting drive here in the depths of Khazad-dűm have resulting in fresh units comprised of cave trolls, orcs, and other fouler things than orcs that lurk in the depths, like Dmitry Peskov. We’ll just need to have the cave trolls go on another refresher course for drone maintenance.” As of press time, Peskov was last seen lurking in an underground lake chewing on a raw fish.

ˇ         The luxury designer line Babushka’s Backdoor has issued an emergency recall for all three-inch personal massagers labelled “The Prostate Pounder” which were given out as replacements for the previously recalled personal massagers bearing the “Just Like Daddy” or “Little Volodya” trademarks, due to unspecified ‘acid leaks’ and ‘spider infestation’ problems. The consumer complaints department will be available to replace any defective products with new ones and will be opening a special returns desk at the entrance to the Moscow Central Hospital emergency room.

ˇ         Recovery efforts attempting to locate the mortal remains of Moscow Olympic Committee spokesperson Hulga Olgavogna after her fiery and steroid-based explosive demise at the ruins of the Evropeysky Shopping Center have come to an end. “A diligent search by fire crews from four different precincts have not been successful, and at this point we are calling the search off to allow the construction of the new Olympic Stadium to take place,” said Moscow Fire Chief and former Fire Artist Ivan Ivanovitch. “However, let me be clear: no matter what rumors you might hear, there were no mysterious deaths of firefighters who had their souls and entrails sucked out by a glowing figure shouting ‘GLORY TO THE GAMES! PRAISE LOBSTER!’ over and over again. That would just be silly.” Memorial services for the empty husks of the dead firefighters will be held Thursday.

 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         While it is true that Steven Seagal has been recruited to teach martial arts to new conscripts raised for the Special Military Operation in Ukraine, he will not as previously stated be teaching his expert style of Aikido. Although he is a 7th Dan Black Belt in the ancient combat art, his new passion in life has led him to a philosophical breakthrough which he will use to teach soldiers the wholly new skills of tactical buffet line takedowns, including breakfast omelet selection, stalking and incapacitating rivals approaching the bacon, and the military poise and stance needed to waddle away with an entire tray of shrimp scampi. Plans are currently being drawn up for a second round of recruit education by none other than famed actor Gérard Depardieu, who plans to bring his ability to unhinge his jaws like a snake and swallow an entire ham at once to a new generation of war fighters.

ˇ         Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which the lovable rapscallion Jon and his pets Opo and Blyaat snorted ketamine and impersonated an American justice official to tell Donald Trump that he was soon going to be arrested do not represent any plans by the FSB to further destabilize American politics. It is believed that Trump and the Americans are quite well at that without any of our help.

ˇ         Despite some reports, China’s Xi Jinping has not left his meeting with Vladimir Putin carrying away a promise that Russia will supply China with natural resources at pennies on the dollar in exchange for munitions and military supplies. Nor, as some reports suggest, did Xi coerce or intimidate the President into giving away the eastern regions of Russia directly to China. In fact, Vladimir Putin has been since childhood a fan of Winnie the Pooh and after a long night session of honey licking and romance, the two new star-crossed lovers have parted ways with promises to return to each other’s arms as soon as an opportunity presents. Xi was simply carrying away Putin’s testicles in a small carved wooden box which he had recently had returned from his former lover Viktor Lukashenko.

 

 

 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         Recently released video showing Ukrainian President Zelensky buying coffee at a gas station in eastern Ukraine simply demonstrate his complete lack of strategic awareness or tactical skill, stated Ministry of Defense spokesperson Igor Konashenkov in an early morning briefing. “It’s obvious from watching this video that Zelensky has no concept of firepower, maneuver, or intimidation, as any true Russian general would have simply crushed the cashier under the treads of a tank, raped the other customers in the store, and then stolen whatever coffee they wanted,” he said, raising his Blyaat-sized Tsars Coffee cup. “For instance, this morning, I sent in a platoon of recently conscripted soldiers armed with sticks to the local coffee house just down the street like I do every morning, and I was able to get my coffee for free with only six killed in action due to friendly fire.” At press time, the surviving staff at his local Tsars Coffee had burned and looted a recruitment office in a reprisal strike.

ˇ         In other economic news, the shaky cease-fire between various factions of the civil war within the boardroom of Kremlin Fried Chicken has been broken again, with the forces of the shadowy figure known only as ‘Comrade Cluck’ having struck a decisive blow against Commisar Sandersky’s Traditionalist army in a bold move. Details are sketchy at this time, but it appears as of this reporting that a deep penetration drone strike has destroyed six of the seven last remaining vats of Original Recipe spices, leaving Original Recipe Chicken down to just ‘herb.’ Commisar Sandersky has vowed revenge and is mustering forces to counterattack.

ˇ         Recent reports that Korean-war era T-54 tanks have been reactivated for duty in the Special Military Operation in Ukraine are true, but lack nuance, according to Kremlin spokesperson Dmitry Peskov. “Cynical observers point to these tanks as some kind of ‘proof’ that our army is decimated and our stocks of modern equipment are depleted, but that couldn’t be more wrong,” he said in a prepared statement. “These tanks have been returned to service both for nostalgia purposes to raise our soldier’s morale and because modern weapon systems lack the audio fidelity and warmth of analog tubes and electronics. Modern tanks like the Western armies field just don’t have that crisp crackle that drives true audiophiles wild. You just can’t get good sound out of digital.” Peskov was later spotted attempting to sell gold-plated audio cables for the 1950’s headsets used in these tanks to any and all passerby.

 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         Recent rumors put out by the West that Vladimir Putin in his youth was a Juggalo leader who prompted many of his followers to don face paint and join him in Fanta-based bacchanalia are false, according to Kremlin spokesperson Dmitry Peskov. “While President Putin did in fact exhibit many qualities of leadership even in his youth, it was spent organizing the Kamchatkan Land Squid herders to fight for their rightful place in the post-Soviet order,” he said while carefully applying clownlike white and black makeup to his face. “The Insane Clown Posse, a so-called ‘horrorcore hip hop movement’ characterized by a ‘Dark Carnival’ aesthetic, has nothing to do with our illustrious leader, regardless of similarities in makeup choices.” At press time, Peskov was seen singing “Down With the Clown” along with his backup singers.

ˇ         The Russian owned fast food chain Tasty Period has announced plans to open a new condiment factory in Irkutsk due to dwindling supplies of ketchup, mustard, and mayonnaise in the warehouses formally annexed from McDonalds at the start of the Special Military Operation in Ukraine. “While it is true that we do not have local supplies of tomatoes or vinegar sufficient to produce ketchup on the scales needed, our corporate research department has identified a ketchup substitute made from tar and industrial runoff which should be acceptable to Russian palates,” the Tasty Period spokesperson said today. “Additionally, a crack team of FSB infiltration experts has been dispatched to Lifehacker headquarters to kidnap Claire ‘Mayolifter’ Lower, whose expertise will be invaluable in finding a suitable mayonnaise replacement.” Share prices for Tasty Period and Moscow Poison Control were up sharply on the news.

ˇ         News reports that yurt explosions are becoming a danger in the United States of America come as no surprise to the 1175th Conscript Battalion, which was recently created from new recruits and armed with explosive yurts. “To an untrained eye, this simply looks like a tent made from cured yak hides, but a to a trained professional it’s a highly sophisticated weapon,” Lieutenant Igzny Yovovovitch said in formal remarks at the Battalion commissioning ceremony. “Ten soldiers fueled with our special blend of borscht and beans and left in there all night can produce enough flammable gas to knock enemy drones out of the sky.” The 1175th has however faced delays being sent into battle owing to the sparse supplies of tactical borscht brought on by Western sanctions.

 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         Reports that the Russian Defense Industry is incapable of meeting planned deliveries to India due to the Special Military Operation in Ukraine are false and solely due to translation issues with expectation management, said Kremlin spokesperson Dmitry Peskov in an early morning statement today. “Sadly, due to miscommunication, India has elected to not accept the minor changes to the S-400 Triumf Air Defense System which has been contracted from us for $5.4 billion,” he stated. “While the contract clearly states that minor changes to the product which deliver similar performance are to be accepted, they for some reason do not wish to receive the proven conscript trebuchet concept which replaces the anti-aircraft missile, even though an air-launched gopnik with a knife has demonstrated equal inability to shoot anything down.” It is hoped that the currently in-development S-500 “Feral Yak on a Trampoline” system will be accepted instead.

ˇ         The newly-raised 873rd Conscript Battalion will not be performing an interpretive dance routine expressing their feelings about the glorious successes at Bakhmut, even if they have been issued ballerina tutus due to the lack of field uniforms.

ˇ         While it is true that some US-made weapons captured on the battlefield have been shipped to Iran for reverse-engineering, this is primarily a political gesture aimed at ensuring the continued cooperation of the Islamic Republic, and does not represent any Russian inability to take things apart and find out how they work. “The occult experts St. Petersburg Eldritch University are hard at work attempting to unravel the secrets of a cotton T-shirt with the words ‘Take Yo Panties OFF!!’ emblazoned on it, which is believed to be a thaumaturgical pass phrase possibly calling upon godly beings to bestow some kind of protective or morale-boosting blessing,” according to an anonymous source our intrepid field reporters found smoking in an alley behind the University. “I’m pretty sure we just ordered if off Amazon, though,” our source continued, before being called back into the research chambers to continue their work, which according to our investigation apparently involved keg stands.

ˇ          


In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         Recent reports that aliens are stealing human DNA to create a hybrid race comes as no surprise to the Ministry of Science, which has been investigated alien breeding programs since 1954. “The Soviet Union, and later the nation of Russia, have always been at the forefront of alien husbandry efforts, beginning with Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev’s efforts to personally impregnate a squid-like being from Antares IV,” Professor Sergey Livonovitch said in televised remarks regarding the late-breaking news. “While the effort did not conclude satisfactorily, President Putin has been leading the effort to romance a captured xenomorph in the hopes of breeding a new species of super soldier. As of yet, however, Mr. Putin has not become impregnated, and our research continues to work towards that happy maternal occasion.” The latest efforts on the part of the Ministry of Science have focused on finding the correct combination of flowers and chocolates to unlock the heart of the alien being.

ˇ         The Moscow Herald wishes to offer an apology and a refund to any subscribers who were unhappy with the alternate column presented in place of ‘Ask Babushka, Advice for the Lovelorn’ while advice columnist Olga Olgavulva is serving a two-month stint in jail over repeated castration threats to her neighbors. Management at the Herald will now look for a new backup columnist and cease publication of 101 Ways to Eat Boiled Ham by famed actor Gérard Depardieu.

ˇ         In automotive news, the recent failure to bring the Lada factory fire under control should not cause any delays in filling orders, the Lada Corporation said today. “All purchased 2023 Lada Grantas will be delivered on schedule, regardless of difficulties in production. We fully expect all customers to enjoy the fine Corinthian leatherlike interiors with just a trace of soot and creosote to enhance the luxury of these fine automobiles,” Lada Spokesperson and former Fire Artist Ivan Ivanovitch stated in prepared remarks. At press time, the spokesperson was last seen flicking his lighter and heading towards Belarus.

 


 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         Consternation and alarm in Western countries over President Putin’s recently announced plan to station tactical nuclear weapons in Belarus has come as a surprise to the Ministry of Defense, according to insider sources. “Man, Yuri and I were just checking on the things to make sure no one had stole ‘em or something, and there was like, green goo leaking out of the warheads? We were like, fuck, get those things outta here! Then Yuri was all ‘where do we put them?’ and I was ‘fuck if I care, I just want ‘em gone before they melt the floor, send them to Belarus for all I care.’ So we put em on a truck and had Yevgeny drive it to the border. I dunno what the all fuss is about.” At press time, the maintenance department of the Strategic Rocket Forces had finally sobered up and promised that they’d check on the missiles to see if they’re still upright and not on fire.

ˇ         In astounding theological news, the radiant being who has ascended to godhood and floats over the burned and shattered remains of Evropeysky Shopping Center at Kiyevsky Station demanding human sacrifices appears to be none other than the former Moscow Olympic Committee spokesperson Hulga Olgavogna, recently assumed to have perished after striking a gas line with a shovel in a drug-fueled frenzy. According to scholars from St. Petersburg Eldritch University, the power of the massive explosion and her fifty-five gallon drum of horse steroids has somehow allowed her incorporeal form to absorb the lingering spiritual essence of the extradimensional entity known as Ska'naag, or 'It which devours by claw,' thereby becoming a new deity with wholly unknown powers. “Exactly which pantheon this goddess will take part in is unknown at this time, but as She has used her holy powers to manifest an Olympic-sized Blyaat Ball field in the planned location of the 2023 Moscow Olympics, we can assume that She in her Glory wishes the games to go on. Praise Lobster!” said newly promoted MOC spokesperson Irina Oglaboblovna.

ˇ         This week’s episode of the ground-breaking science fiction program Tsar Trek, titled ‘Space Seed’ features a special guest appearance by Ricardo Montalbán, appearing as a hologram to play the part of Khan Noonien Singh as the Tsar Ship Suvrovov encounters her greatest threat yet. What is the purpose behind the derelict ship found in the open ocean, filled with passed-out superhumans? Can Captain Kirkovitch outwit a genetically superior being with nothing other than a randy ship’s goat? Why is Mr. Spockula drinking anti-freeze? Find out the answers to these questions and more, tonight at nine o’clock Moscow Time?

 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         News that the United States has sent Cougar Infantry Support Vehicles to defend Ukraine is simply the latest proof that the American Military Might has been completely depleted, according to Ministry of Defense spokesperson Igor Konashenkov. “While the proud Russian army can supply sturdy babushkas to raise the morale of each fighting unit, all the sad Americans have left are forty-year-old women who prey on young men,” he said in recent remarks to the graduating class of Frunze Military Academy. “Our soldiers can go into battle knowing that a vicious grandmother stands proudly behind them ready to castrate them like pigs should they turn and run, but our enemies will have their strength sapped by loose women of no virtue.” Konashenkov was then dragged off stage and clubbed mercilessly by Army High Command.

ˇ         With Spring finally in the air in Moscow, the management of BlyaatLand has offered a new season pass for the low, low price of sixteen trillion BlyaatCoin which will allow passholders unfettered access to all rides including “Jon’s Taxi Murder Spree” and the Terrorcoaster. While there are no doubt some concerns regarding the unfortunate mishap several maintenance technicians suffered last week while preparing the Terrorcoaster for this year’s festivities, park management would like everyone to know that all body parts have been recovered and the crocodile pond has been completely drained and cleaned. It is hoped that this year will set new records for park attendance and emergency medical team response times.

ˇ         With the success of last year’s “Operation Flying Roo” in which a crack team of FSB agents infiltrated Australia to bring back a drop bear which subsequently demolished a small section of a suburb in Nizhny Novgorod, and a lizard of some kind which killed over thirty people, the FSB has now embarked on a new mission to the Himalayan Alps in the hopes of capturing a Yeti for breeding purposes. “We have reason to believe that a Yeti-based fighting squad can, if properly trained, become a breakthrough assault force which can lead us to victory in the Special Military Operation in Ukraine,” said Ministry of Science spokesperson Yegor Yevgenovitch. “The best minds in science are on the project!” At press time, the Ministry of Science was hosting an internal debate questioning whether or not Yetis can reproduce via mitosis or by producing seedlings.

 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         Despite some claims from Western sources and his own refusal to use the internet, telephones, newspapers, books, or any other media, Russian President Vladimir Putin is not ‘Informationally Isolated.’ In a top secret exercise which took place over twenty years ago, Putin had an ultrasonic transmitter and receiver implanted in his cranium which allows him to communicate with trusted sources over vast distances. This system not only allows him to know at all times what is going on everywhere in the world, but also serves as a powerful defense apparatus by allowing him to emit piercing shrieks which can disable and confuse any attacker. Combined with his esophageal implants which he can trigger to vomit up the contents of his stomach as a bid to distract carnivores, and his innate ability to jet clouds of murky black ink from his rear, Putin is a powerful and omniscient leader who cannot be bested by any foe. It is believed that his closest confidents are sometimes able to hear his implants in action, which are said to sound very similar to a whimpering baby.

ˇ         Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which Jon and his pets butt-chugged kerosene and then sacrificed a goat to Ba’al has raised concerns within the occult community, with some scholars pointing out that sacrifices to ancient beings from demonological grimoires such as The Lesser Key of Solomon or the Pseudomonarchia Daemonum are best left to experts. “Look, we just went through all this with the necromancers, and now everyone trying to raise the dead has to pay a giant fee to get licensed. Do we want that to happen to demon summoning as well?” said a man in a random street interview in Moscow. The office of the Mayor, responsible for licensing, has not yet commented on this matter.

ˇ         The apotheosis of former Moscow Olympic Committee spokesperson Hulga Olgavogna into a radiant being hovering over the site of the future 2023 Moscow Olympics has caused consternation among religious scholars in the Russian Orthodox Church, with some wondering if this new deity could somehow be incorporated into the existing pantheon of Orthodox Saints. Patriarch Kirill has retreated into a private study to compute the theological implications of such a move, while historians remain skeptical. “This is similar to the 1173 Patriarchal Crisis, in which a capybara carried by Saint Phonecia was struck by lightning, causing the transmigration of her soul and bringing about the rise of the Capybara Cult which still plagues the eastern Urals to this day,” said the official historian of the Orthodox Church in response to our questions. “We’ve already got Lobster Cultists flagellating each other on the BlyaatBall pitch right now, so I don’t see how things can get better in time for the Games.” At press time, the being calling itself the Goddess of the Games had manifested an enormous jeweled lobster claw and was using it to dig an Olympic-sized mud hole for future swimming competitions.

 

 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         Reports that Russia may somehow ‘force’ men to join the army are untrue, according to a recent statement by the Ministry of Defense. “Read my lips: there will be no coercion of conscripts, there will be no involuntary recruitment, and no one will be volunteered against their will,” said MoD Spokesperson Igor Konashenkov. “We have no doubt that there will be ne’er-do-wells who change their mind after enlistment, which is why each new conscript will personally sign their own blood-spattered enlistment papers themselves no matter what.” At press time, Konashenkov had been last seen installing a trap door and chute mechanism in the briefing room.

ˇ         Despite some coincidental similarities in names, Vladimir Putin is not a demon described as ‘The Betrayer of Filth’ in the Malleus Maleficarum or legendary ‘Hammer of Witches’ book written by the Catholic Church in the 15th Century. The supposed demons ‘Vlod Putan,’ ‘Prickozgan,’ and ‘Ted Cruz’ were works of fiction by the Inquisition.

ˇ         The official marching song of the 127th Explosive Ordnance Disposal Brigade is not ‘Hallelujah, It’s Raining Men.” Memorial services will be held next Thursday.

ˇ         Official congratulations are to go out today to Specialist Feodor Tymnokovitch, for successfully destroying the ten-thousandth HIMARS launcher through his use of specially trained mind rays. Specialist Feodor will be awarded the Order of Kamchatka Medal and will be promoted to Private and told to stop making things up again.

 

 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         Regardless of what is claimed, Vladimir Putin is not a Vulcan. While he is eminently logical he hails from the squid-filled trees of Kamchatka, from where he ran away to join the circus and later ran away from the circus to join the KGB. Any claims otherwise are untrue, and he is not expected to live long or prosper.

ˇ         News that FSB Agent #45345 codenamed ‘Hooting Baboon’ is facing indictment in the United States of America has filled the halls of the Lubyanka Building with glee, according to the FSB. “Whenever we sent Hooting Baboon his orders, they always just came back smeared with feces,” said spokesperson Anatoly Igorovitch. “How’d you like to have to clean the mail room up every week to get the smell of baboon crap out of it? Also, did you hear that President Trump got indicted? Man, none of us saw that coming at all!” At press time, agent Hooting Baboon was riding a unicycle at the New York Zoo and demanding bananas.

ˇ         The production team behind the beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat wishes to apologize for this week’s episode being replaced by a recording of Swan Lake. While this week’s episode contained no more misogyny, drug references, violence, or heresy than normal, it appears that someone forgot to bribe the network censor and therefore it was not allowed to be aired. Blyaat the Caat will return next week with a all-new heartwarming tale sure to delight all Russian children.

 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         Today is the First of April, which in Western countries is often called ‘April Fools Day’ where media sources will report obviously untrue statements in a spirit of frivolity or comedy. As we here at Russia One News have a steadfast dedication to nothing but the absolute truth, all viewers can rest assured that we will be making nothing up and will be only reporting verified facts. *Ahem* In other news, the Special Military Operation in Ukraine continues to be a magnificent victory for Russia and a demonstration of President Putin’s strategic genius.

ˇ         Claims that Chinese media sources are somehow being deceptive regarding their reporting of the Special Military Operation are simply yet another chauvinistic lack of cultural awareness by the imperialist West, according to Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov. “One must understand a people to understand how they use language,” he said in a press conference late Friday. “Terms like ‘completely to shreds’ or ‘utter flaming debacle’ are simply not used in Chinese speech, and as such they tend to use terms like ‘complete success’ instead.”

ˇ         Due to an unplanned emergency, the 1175th Conscript Battalion will not be deployed to the Bakhmut area as originally planned. Instead, they will be returned to the conscription barracks for replenishment as one-third of the battalion’s manpower is out of action after Private Bognovitch caught rabies from a feral gopnik. Should he recover, the unit will be returned to duty.

 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         News that the Republic of Tuva will be supplying Russia with three thousand horses for logistical chains does not represent any awkward confirmation that the Russian army is reduced to medieval technology for fighting wars, the Ministry of Defense spokesperson said today. “Horses have been used for logistical transport in conflicts as recently as America’s war in Afghanistan,” Konashenkov said while strapping on a bronze breastplate and helm looted from the Moscow Museum of History. “It’s simply a matter of making the best use of available resources, similar to how our soldiers will be using vats of boiling oil to defend Crimea against attack. It’s not like anyone’s buying the stuff from us at market price anymore, you know.” At press time, Konashenkov was demonstrating the effective use of the Roman pilum against shields.

ˇ         Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu’s recent promises to increase munitions supplies to Russian forces in Ukraine were based on production numbers from the armaments factories under contract to the Ministry of Defense and were not simply a ruse to get all soldiers nearby to cheer, allowing him to make a mad dash for freedom under cover of the noise. He was rapidly restrained and returned to his duties due to the wise planning of his FSB bodyguards, who had outfitted him with a toddler leash in advance.

ˇ         Despite some claims from Kremlin spokesperson Dmitry Peskov, the missing expedition from St. Petersburg Occult University which had set out to locate the long-lost previous expedition sent to the darkest interiors of Kamchatka has not made contact with a primitive race of Elephant Men who jealously guard the magical secrets of the ancient Himalayan Yogis. A further fourth expedition will be sent out to locate the most recently lost one, and Peskov will be disciplined and no longer allowed to write Indiana Jones fan fiction.

 


In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         Recent reports regarding the death of a Russian public figure claimed to be a ‘propagandist’ by Western Sources are of course filled with lies and hyperbole, according to a statement by the Kremlin. “As all are aware, Vladen Tatarsky was exploded in a café in St. Petersburg, but he was not assassinated after being handed a bomb. Seriously, who would think that? That’s like something right out of Looney Tunes,” spokesperson Dmitry Peskov said as an unknown figure in a Bugs Bunny costume handed him a large black sphere with a lit fuse. “Tatarsky was simply practicing how not to be seen, and unfortunately chose a very obvious piece of cover.” Memorial services will be held next Thursday.

ˇ         The radiant figure of the newly ascended Goddess of the Games which has been floating over the site of the upcoming 2023 Moscow Olympics has presented the city with difficulties, according to the office of the Moscow Mayor. “Seriously, we’re getting complaints from all over about how no one can sleep with all that light, not to mention the constant chanting from the Lobster Cultists and Oompa Lobsters,” Mayor Sobyanin said in a press conference Sunday. “We ask all citizens to have patience until the Games are over, or until we figure out how to put a giant tent over her or something.” At press time, all attempts to construct a giant billboard to block out the blinding light had failed due to unspecified ‘acts of god’ but construction was still ongoing.

ˇ         This week’s episode of the groundbreaking science fiction program Tsar Trek, titled ‘A Taste of Armageddon’ pits Captain Kirkovitch and the Tsar Ship Suvrovov in a desperate battle against a civilization simulating total warfare and features a very special guest appearance by Gérard Depardieu. Can Captain Kirkovitch outwit the computer simulation and break the endless stalemate? Can Mr. Spockula survive being force-fed a liquid breakfast by a cackling Frenchman? Is this the first time that just blowing everything up and leaving is actually the right choice? Find out the answers to these questions and more, tonight at nine o’clock Moscow Time!

 

 

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         News of Finland’s formal acceptance into NATO, an act which creates an enemy sharing an eight-hundred mile border with Russia, does not represent any new existential threat, said the Ministry of Defense this morning. “Seriously, think about it,” MoD spokesperson Igor Konashenkov said in a briefing while doing shots of Jack Daniels. “We can’t win a simple invasion with a country right on our doorstep, so how would we go to war with NATO if they’re farther away? It’s so much simpler this way, since we can just stay home and get our asses kicked here instead of going through all that effort.” At press time, an incoherent Konashenkov was vomiting into a toilet stolen from Bakhmut as a symbol of victory.

ˇ         Despite some reports, the Special Military Operation in Ukraine is not being funded by sales of Vladimir Putin’s prized Pog and Beanie Baby collection. “There are no such sales being done by the Kremlin,” spokesperson Dmitry Peskov said sternly. “Lucky soldiers in the military may be paid with premium grade collector’s edition Beanie Babies instead of hard currency due to Western sanctions, but any sales are their own responsibility.” Peskov then continued to state that unlucky soldiers wouldn’t be paid at all since they were probably dead by now anyway.

ˇ         The crack team of FSB investigators who were quickly able to identify Ukrainian agents as being responsible for the murder of Darya Dugina, the assassination of Pope John Paul I, and the future murder of Wagner’s Yevgeny Prigozhin have been assigned to investigate the recent bombing of war correspondent Vladlen Tatarsky and . . . *touches earpiece* I’m being told that they’ve already identified someone responsible and they are Ukrainian agents. Well, at least that got cleared up quickly. We’ll continue to report on these murders as they happen and blame is placed.


In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         In an effort to again prove that he is the preeminent leader superior to those in the decadent West, Putin has had himself charged with thirty-five felonies, one more than former President Donald Trump, all of which involved the New York Subway System and a pack of goats borrowed from the Republic of Tuva. While he adamantly refuses to stand trial for his charges, the Tuvans have as of last reporting been unwilling to accept the defiled goats back.

ˇ         Claims by deranged defectors that Putin is somehow ‘no longer sane’ are simply misunderstandings by people who lack complete information, according to Kremlin spokesperson Dmitry Peskov. “While some may look at the grinding debacle in Bakhmut as an idiotic waste of life and material as we throw hordes of untrained conscripts directly into machine gun fire, the truth is that Putin has been setting the stage for his new career as an auteur film director, and his remake of ‘Apocalypse Now: Bakhmut’ will be hitting cinemas within days.” Critics have hailed the work as a masterpiece of madness displaying the descent of one man into darkness, with famed actor Steven Seagal’s epic ‘the hors’d'oeuvres, the hors’d'oeuvres’ moan at the final scene as the buffet line is destroyed by artillery fire.

ˇ         Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat was a timely take on recent events, with the lovable rapscallion Jon being inducted against his will into the Moscow Olympics BlyaatBall team and forced to play the role of Widest Receiver. The subsequent events in the episode, involving all members of the team participating with the Ritual Stuffing of the Dead Goat were intended to be a tribute to the newly ascended Goddess of the Games, and were not a message to The Resistance.

 


In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         Due to surprising and unpleasant numbers from the front, the Ministry of Defense has dispatched an emergency courier to the General Staff headquarters at the Bakhmut Offensive Region to find out why so few soldiers have been recently killed in action. While the Ministry of Defense holds the life of each soldier in high regard, such low numbers can only speak to cowardice or incompetence on the part of the General Staff. The courier will be bringing a message demanding answers and a cell phone set to autodial 1-800-HIMARS to get those numbers back up.

ˇ         The 1178th Conscript Battalion will not be participating in this year’s potato planting contest in the Urals, which is a lighthearted spring festival which regularly pits conscript workers from all over Russia against each other to find out who is the best at planting potato seedlings. Due to a tragic paperwork error the battalion was accidentally sent to practice planning potatoes in the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone at the start of the Special Military Operation and it is believed that the extra arms some of them have grown would give them an unfair advantage.

ˇ         As reports of mental fatigue and emotional stress have been on the rise in the ‘Blocking Units’ positioned behind conscript units in order machine-gun anyone who tries to retreat, the Ministry of Defense has issued a new order declaring the creation of Blocking Unit Blocking Units, who will be positioned behind Blocking Units in order to machine-gun anyone who tries to retreat. Further plans for Blocking Units X3, X4, and so on will be implemented assuming enough machine guns can be procured.

ˇ          


In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

ˇ         Reports that a Russian fighter aircraft nearly shot down a British spy plane are false, according to a statement released by a S.P.E.C.T.R.E spokesperson this morning. “In reality, this was simple human error brought about when a henchman was confused about the correct aircraft identification procedures and assumed the plane was a legitimate target,” Doctor Nyet said in an early briefing while strapping on a large mechanical claw. “The henchman has been disciplined harshly in the piranha tank as an example to others, and we expect no further issues of this kind.” Doctor Nyet then expounded at great length about the organization’s plans to bring about world chaos through the actions of their American agent, Ernst Stavro Blowhard.

ˇ         In sporting news, construction of the Olympic Village and Stadium for the 2023 Moscow Olympics is nearing completion, due in part to the tireless efforts of the thousands of Lobster Cultists who have descended on the area under the direction of the newly ascended deity who is directing efforts from her vantage point hovering over Moscow. “At this rate, the entire Olympic compound should be ready for the Games well before the teams are,” said MoC spokesperson Irina Oglaboblovna. “North Korea has announced they’re planning on sending a Blyaat Ball team to compete, and we hope to soon hear from Syria, Kazakhstan, and the fictional country of Kranjovia. Praise Lobster!” As of press time, repeated requests for comment from the Goddess of the Games resulted only in our reporter being vaporized by beams of light from the Goddess’ eyes.

ˇ          This week’s episode of the groundbreaking science fiction program Tsar Trek, titled ‘This Side of Paradise’ features a guest appearance by none other than famed actor Gérard Depardieu, who will attempt to swallow an entire side of beef on-air in a special live broadcast. Can the Tsar Ship Suvrovov’s away team unravel the secret of the mysterious radiation on planet Omicron Ceti III? Can Captain Kirkovitch defeat a mind-controlled Mr. Spockula in hand-to-hand combat? Can Chekov still fit into his high school battle tutu? Find out the answers to these questions and more, tonight at nine o’clock Moscow Time!

 

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