In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Western media suppositions that “Putin’s
Chef” Yevgeny Prigozhin may find himself the target of a Russian
assassination attempt have absolutely no bearing in reality whatsoever. While
it is true that Ukrainians may wish or attempt his death, it is absolutely not
possible that a sniper team has been assembled and is waiting outside of his
dacha, or that a large quantity of polonium-laced bullets have been placed
below his window for him to accidentally fall on. In modern Russian, such
things would never occur. *Gunshot in distance* Moving on.
·
News that Germany has approved the delivery of
Leopard 2 tanks to Ukraine is a terrifying escalation, stated the Ministry of
Defense last night. While such tanks do not represent any threat whatsoever on
the battlefield they have unfortunately caused Minister Sergei Shoigu to panic
and attempt to escape yet again, this time by building a makeshift zeppelin out
of bedsheets and trying to fly out of the window of his prison in the North
Kremlin tower. While this attempt was foiled by loyal FSB troops, it did result
in Vladimir Putin losing a bet and he will now be forced to sing “I’m a little
teapot” while standing next to the manifestation of Gritty who still haunts his
giant conference table. We hope that NATO will learn from this and clamp down
on their warlike instincts.
·
In other diplomatic news, the warship Admiral
Gorshkov will
take part in training exercises with Chinese and South African navies in
February, the Ministry of Defense has stated. The Admiral Gorshkov is
equipped with hypersonic Zircon missiles, Quadrophonic stereo in the captain’s
boardroom, a hydroponic farm growing the captain’s weed, and an ironic ship’s
wheel that is not connected to anything but allows the captain to pretend he’s
driving. An additional two tugboats will be actually moving the vessel around
following the unfortunate boiler explosion last week and it is hoped that the
fires will be put out before the Admiral Gorshkov reaches its next port.
Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov has applauded this diplomatic effort, which was
sadly the limit of his communications ability as he is currently
lycanthropically shapeshifted in a seal. Regardless, it is hoped that this will
signal a new high point in Russian naval ability, and we will continue to report
on this story as it develops.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
In
sporting news, four men have taken the gold medal in international Tennis
trolling by displaying banned Russian flags at the
Australian Open, an act for
which they were escorted out of the park by police and according to some
reports fed to drop bears. This display of patriotism took place after Novak Djokovic beat Russian
player Andrey Rublev in straight sets in the quarterfinals of the year’s first
Grand Slam tennis tournament, a victory which ignited the traditional
Australian Punching of the Kangaroos and will result in Rublev being sent to
the Crimean front should he dare return to Russia. The fate of the four men
currently remains unknown, but undercover FSB agents are collecting bags of
drop bear feces in the hopes of both identifying remains and providing Foreign
Minister Lavrov new and interesting balls of poop to roll around the next time
he is lycanthropically shapeshifted into dung beetle form.
·
Last
night’s episode of the heartwarming children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat,
in which the lovable rapscallion Jon injected brake fluid directly into his
eyes before vomiting blood on a school bus filled with parochial school
children and nuns, was not a signal to The Resistance.
·
Reports
that Ukrainian President Zelensky has called Russian President Vladimir Putin a
‘nobody’ who is not
interested in peace or negotiations highlights the difficult territory that
diplomacy must overcome, a spokesperson for the Foreign Ministry said today.
“In the interests of peace, both sides must come together to conquer their
differences, have their disagreements destroyed by missile attack on civilians,
and let their petty squabbles be crushed, raped, and looted under the boots of
the victorious Russian Army.” The spokesman then took a brief moment to
furiously masturbate to a picture of dead bodies while screaming “KILL! KILL!
KILL!” A follow-up meeting is planned
for this afternoon, where a round table of diplomats will explain Russia’s
proposal for a peaceful nuclear Armageddon.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
With Western armies seeking to escalate the
Special Military Operation in Ukraine by sending in their modern tanks, it is
reasonable to conclude that they will follow up by sending in their modern
fighter aircraft, a strategic analysis commissioned by the Ministry of Defense
has concluded in a landmark paper published today. This paper outlines the
predicted steps our enemies will take and the means by which we have already
begun to prepare our response, namely the design and production of new fighter
aircraft of our own. These next-generation fighter prototyes, dubbed the Sukhoi
X-23 ‘Collapsar,’ the Mikoyan-Gurevich M-14 ‘Smoking Hole in the Ground,’ and
the Ronco EZ-5 ‘Rotisserie Oven’ will be judged in a direct competition to
decide which design is the airworthiest, the most reliable, or the most capable
of producing a perfectly roasted pilot in under two hours. Military trials are
set to conclude in time for the annual Ministry of Defense pot luck dinner held
here in the Kremlin.
·
Any rumors that a horde of small,
disease-bearing rodents were found to have wrapped themselves up in a trench
coat and passed themselves off as Kremlin Spokesperson Dmitry Peskov for the
last four years are false and hurtful lies, the Kremlin has said today in a
special communique. Dmitry Peskov’s office has refused to elaborate or answer
any further questions on the topic and will instead be a delivering prepared
statement later today extolling the glory of cheese.
·
In economic news, the loss of the last remaining
Build-a-Bear Workshop in Russia due to a misaimed artillery strike targeting
the rampaging Oompa-Lobsters in Moscow has made way for a new, wholly Russian
take on the concept. This new ‘Build a Babushka’ offering allows young tykes to
make their very own loving old grandmother from body parts harvested from war
protestors, conscripts, and Muscovites who have been brutally hacked apart by
the mutated lobsters currently terrorizing the city. A company spokesman has
asked the intruiging question “Would your child like a babushka with blue eyes
or brown? It’s up to them, and whatever parts we have lying around!”
Necromantic reanimation services will be provided by specialists from St.
Petersburg Eldritch University, and the program is open to all children and the
young-at-heart from the ages of two and up.
In further corrections
to official Russian government statements:
·
Kim Yo Jung, the influential sister of North
Korean leader Kim Jong Un, has stated in a recent speech that pasta sauce
wrestling is a noble and enduring human behavior and as such should be
protected by the UNESCO World Heritage agency for future generations. “As a
deputy leader of a repressive Stalinist regime, I like nothing better than to
relax after a stressful day of torturing dissents by slipping into a nice pool
of alfredo sauce with mushrooms and frolic with my designated drowning victims
for the day.” At press time, clarifications on this translation had not been
issued by the North Korean ambassador to Moscow, although this station did
receive a signed photograph of a bundle of spaghetti noodles being crushed
between her powerful thighs.
·
Despite some claims, the Ministry of Defense has
not approved the use of battle puppies armed with explosives in the Special
Military Operation in Ukraine. While small dogs can be trained to run
underneath enemy tanks and explode, there is no reason to raise the ire of
animal rights activists in Moscow when newly raised conscripts can be trained
to do the same thing.
·
Despite some previous concerns, the German
Defense Minister yesterday ruled out sending advanced fighter aircraft to
Ukraine, due in part out of concerns that they might actually be flown. “These
aircraft are the state of the art, the most absolutely advanced examples of
military technology available, and you want to actually use them?” he asked
incredulously in a recent interview. “Like, maybe even break them? Are you
serious? You could dent them or something if you’re not careful! They might
even get muddy!” Follow-up questions could not be heard over the sound of palms
meeting faces, but industry analysts have commented that this does, in fact,
prove one point: the Germans love David Hasselhoff.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Recent
reporting that Iran has suffered a drone strike from unknown assailants
causing a massive explosion and refinery fire would be a terrible escalation of
worldwide tensions if true, a spokesperson for the Ministry of Defense said
today. While the nation and government of Iran has many enemies in the world
today, including Israel, Saudi Arabia, America, NATO, Iraq, pretty much every
other Middle Eastern nation, Antarctica, various ‘stans, the Moon People, the
Venusians, Hulk Hogan, and the entire surviving cast and production crew of
‘Happy Days’ it is believed that fault should lay squarely on only one person.
Sadly, Fire Artist Ivan Ivanovitch’s Persian Outreach program has not been
appreciated by all and a team of crack VDV paratroopers has been dispatched to
bring him home to his asbestos-lined cell to prepare for his next performance.
*Touches earpiece* Unfortunately it appears that all VDV paratroopers involved
in the extraction have suffered an unfortunate demise after they tripped and
fell down the airplane entry stairs. We may expect that memorial services will
be held next Thursday.
·
The ongoing economic downturn brought about by
Western sanctions has inspired new business successes, according to a Ministry
of Finance report released today. Where difficulties sourcing materials for
production of consumer goods persist, canny individuals have set up new supply
lines to profit on market needs. This week we will profile precision glass importer
Yevgeny Yevgenovitch, who plans to smuggle high quality lenses used in optical
instruments such as telescopes by shattering them and eating a bag of broken
glass just before crossing the border. We look forward to hearing good news of
his profits and/or surgical repairs to his gastrointestinal tract.
·
In weekend advice column news, this week’s “Ask
Babuskha” column in the Moscow Herald will be slightly delayed due to
production issues related to getting Olga Olgavulva, the titular
one-hundred-and-seventeen-year-old with advice for the lovelorn down from the
tree in which she is currently stuck after chasing a pack of wolves out of her
kitchen shack. In an attempt to bring her readers the sage advice for which she
is known, a reporter is on-scene yelling questions to through a bullhorn and a
typist is furiously recording her responses. So chin up ‘Heartbroken in Nizhny
Novogrod,’ the Babushka will have help for your cheating lover problems
shortly!
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Claims that Vladmir Putin somehow “threatened”
Boris Johnson with a missile strike are unhinged fabrications fresh from the
deranged minds of Western media sources hell-bent on preventing peaceful
negotiation, the Foreign Ministry said in a statement issued Monday. “It is
clear to us that powerful forces at work within media giants such as the Sun,
the Star, the Mirror, and the Daily Record have no interest in bringing about a
conclusion to this violence and instead hope to bring about a world wracked by
violence and untrammeled Page 3 girls. And don’t even get us started on the New
York Post. They don’t even post topless models!” Clarifications from the
Foreign Ministry spokesperson have confirmed that Putin did actually threaten
him with missiles, but it was only a joke because Boris Johnson has already
damaged the UK more than any nuclear missiles possibly could.
·
The unfortunate debacle of the ‘Build a
Babushka’ children’s program in the bombed out remains of the last Build-a-Bear
Workship in Moscow last night has highlighted the dangers of allowed unlicensed
necromancers to perform reanimation ceremonies without supervision, a top
Moscow city official has said. “Without some kind of certification program, we
run the risk of unskilled practitioners failing to correctly perform the
necromantic rites, which sadly can result in the only partially zombified
resurrection of dead bodies. And dear god, at least sew the bits of your
Frankenstein monster together like a responsible madman! Who the hell was using
duct tape? There’s traumatized children all over Moscow now!” At press time, no
details of a potential necromantic certification program had been released, and
the crawling arms and legs were still causing traffic blockages on Tverskaya
Street.
·
This week’s episode of the groundbreaking
science fiction program Tsar Trek, titled ‘Balance of Terror’ pits the
Tsar Ship Suvrovov in a deadly cat-and-mouse game with an enemy warship,
as both sides seek to destroy each other and Captain Kirkovitch is forced to
examine the depths of his duty and courage in the face of an implacable foe.
Will the good ship Suvrovov destroy the enemy? Why is a drunken Mr.
Spockula eating gruel straight from the Dilithium boilers? Why have Chekov and
Scottyeva dressed the ship’s goat in a frock? Will anyone sober up in time to
realize they’re shooting at a rock? Find out the answers to these questions and
more, tonight at nine o’clock Moscow time!
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
The Ministry of Science has today released a
statement regarding delays in the planned breeding of a new generation of
genetically enhanced internet super-trolls, citing difficulties in sourcing
CRISPR machines from the West along with a sufficient supply of bonobo monkeys.
While Generation 0.4 (alpha) has been unleashed onto the internet, their
effectiveness has been a source of despair for the Internet Research Agency.
“Jesus, all these fucking idiots can do is Gish Gallop completely idiotic
talking points from OAN or the Kremlin like they don’t even give a shit if
anyone listens or not. I told Dr. Bargovitch we shouldn’t use parrot DNA
but did he listen? Oh, hell no.” At press time, the first members of Generation
0.5 (alpha) had almost managed to type a coherent sentence in between bouts of
smearing their own poo on their keyboards.
·
Last night’s season opening game of Blyaat Ball between the Chelyabinsk
Tractors and the Smolensk “Fightin’ Patriarchs” resulted in a 4-3 overtime win
for the Tractors, as Goatpunter Yevgeny Yevegnovitch retrieved the goat carcass
from the sideline tire fire and made a mad dash to the endzone for a touchdown.
While the Tractors were unable to followup with scoring Carp toss into the
bleachers, the Fightin’ Patriarchs are now going into the season with their
starring quarterback down with a tragic rectal prolapse after being sacked on
the field and in the locker room after the game. Bookmakers are now offering a
11-4 spread in next week’s away game against the Omsk Potatoes, and 14 to 1
that Tractors Head Coach Yuri will be unconscious with acute alcohol poisoning
by the fifth quarter.
·
In economic news, the Ministry of Finance’s
plans to avoid bread lines in Moscow by cutting off the legs of all poor
citizens has not been met with the hoped-for approval. While social scientists
and economists alike agree that no one can stand in a queue without legs, the
difficulty of acquiring a sufficient number of chainsaws or cleavers has put
the plan in doubt, leaving the future prospects of unsightly starving people
begging for food a real concern. A second, less ambitious machete-based option
will be considered instead, to at least address the fear of having to see
desperate Muscovites begging for handouts.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
“While some media sources have begun to suspect
that the proud Russian army may be starting
a new offensive, such myopic reporting ignores the fact that Russia has
been offensive for far longer than they are aware,” Ministry of Defense
Spokesperson Igor Konashenkov stated in prepared remarks last night.
“Historians will agree that for centuries, Russia has been the center of
insults, ugly slurs, bad dancing, and abjectly horrible behavior by street
hoodlums and high ranking politicians alike.” At press time, Konashenkov was
seen drunkenly groping the Party Camel that had been brought in to keep his
hands off of other men’s wives.
·
Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved
children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat in which Opo the Pet Unexploded Bomb
was granted three wishes by an inebriated genii and chose to blow up the
Kremlin, the Cathedral of Saints Peter and Paul, and an Arby’s in Topeka Kansas
simply represent lingering resentment one of the animators still feels after
suffering illness during a vacation in America, and was not a message to The
Resistance. The second plot line in which a heroically stoned Jon called on all
true Bolsheviks to rise up and overthrow Vladimir Putin and replace him with a
topiary shrub pruned to look like an erect penis, however, will be investigated
by the FSB.
·
While some media critics have brought down scorn
and pointed out what they say are historical inaccuracies in Russia One
Television’s groundbreaking new television series “Have Cat – Will Travel” or
even worse, claim that it is simply a cheap knockoff of an obviously inferior
Western media program involving ‘cowboys’ of all things, the truth of the
matter is that it is a true telling of the story of ‘Paladin,’ a veterinary
science student who brought deworming agent to the pets of warriors in the
harsh world of ancient Rus. Even the stirring intro song, ♪”Have
cat, will travel / reads the song of the man / a vet without armor in a savage
land” ♪references the true historical difficulties that this hero of the Russian
people faced when bringing flea collars, rabies shots, and fluffy little
collars to the warlike ancient Mongolians, Chukchi, and Scythians. Sadly, and
while the producers of this fine program know that critics will celebrate this
news, production has been canceled for further episodes following the tragic
scratching death of the entire film crew at the pitiless paws of Minxy the
Siamese, who was last seen licking her chops and heading towards the Mongolian
frontier.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Breathless reporting in Western media sources
that the Russian Army is planning a ‘maximum
escalation’ are yet again simply a translation error on the part of the
lazy bourgeois who make up the majority of places such as CNN, Vladimir Putin's
spokesperson Dmitri Peskov said on Thursday. While our proud military forces
have been at complete readiness for decades, the actual phrase used was Максимальная
лифтовая обувь or ‘Maximum Elevator Shoes’ and referred to Putin’s newest
wardrobe accessories which are expected to raise Russia’s international
standing to new heights. Along with these shoes which feature miniature fish
tanks and stylish zebra fur trim, Putin has chosen a striking golden jump suit
and matching zebra fur wide-brimmed hat, and plans to make a grand entrance
onto the world stage at the upcoming CTSO Parliamentary Potato exposition.
·
The once-in-a-lifetime ‘green comet’ C/2022 E3
which made its closest
approach to Earth last night does not represent any mystical portents of
which the superstitious should fear, the Ministry of Science has reported.
While comets have historically been seen as harbingers of doom or signs of the
apocalypse, our scientists wish all to know that it is simply a phenomenon
caused by angels who are throwing bits of green cheese from the Moon in order
to fend off the evil spirits of the underworld. Battle Scientist Yegor Begovic
has prepared a goat blood charm which he will use in a protective ritual
tonight as he dances naked around a pile of burning science textbooks in order
to keep us all from harm.
·
In other military news, the long-planned
deployment of the ultramodern T-15 ‘Armata’ combat tank has been delayed again,
as sources within the Ministry of Defense have cited difficulties in procuring
needed military supplies. “The ongoing bird flu pandemic in the United States
has unfortunately caused many millions of egg-producing chickens to be culled,
with the result that egg prices have skyrocketed and sales have likewise
plummeted,” Ministry of Defense Spokesperson Igor Konashenkov has said in
prepared remarks. “This has resulted in far fewer egg cartons being thrown away
for our agents to find as they rummage through Americans’ trash bins, and the
egg carton is a much-needed protective filler for our Kontakt-1 explosive
reactive armor packages, without which our tankers will not believe they are
safe.” As a stopgap measure to increase production, Foreign Minister Sergey
Lavrov has lycanthropically shapeshifted into a chicken and produced a quantity
of eggs which will be put up for sale at WalMart.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Any claims that the Special Military Operation
in Ukraine were a spectacular
failure on the part of the Russian Intelligence Services are simply
delusional propaganda which has ignored the historic triumphs of the proud
Russian army and the brilliant innovations of Russian science, a spokesperson
for the FSB has stated. “The unprecedented ability of the VDV paratrooper
division to adapt to changing conditions on the ground by being hurled into it
at terminal velocity and then bounce back up in a threatening manner are wholly
new in the annals of warfare,” the unnamed official said in early morning
remakes. “Additionally, the temporal equivocation technology developed by the
brilliant minds at the Omsk Institute for Scientific Absurdity has allowed us
to stretch the three-day allotment of time for this operation into almost a
full year.” The spokesperson was later seen mainlining hydraulic fluid and
weeping openly.
·
In business news, the Tasty Period corporation
has posted record gains due to an unprecedented supply of “Meet™” used in the
production of “See-food™” Blyaat Burgers during the ongoing invasion of
mutated Oompa Lobsters rampaging through Moscow. “Hungry Moscovites have been
putting down their hard-earned rubles in record numbers to try the Blyaat
Burger for it’s delicious taste, amazing value, reported hallucinogenic
properties, and the unlikely chance to instantly experience the sweet release
of death by massive food poisoning,” Tasty Period CEO Ivan McIvanovich said in
shareholder remarks Thursday. While no research has studied the long-term
effects of Meet™ in human beings, it is expected to produce no more
debilitating illnesses or mutations than can be expected by simply living in
Russia anyway.
·
Lastly, some heartwarming romantic news to
finish off the week with: a heartfelt plea by Vladimir Putin to his scorned
lover Viktor Lukashenko, begging him to come back, was not immediately rejected
by the Belarussian president. Rumors have been swirling that Vladimir Putin’s
health issues have placed him in an urgent need for a rectum transplant, and
scientists have identified Lukashenko as the only viable donor candidate.
Perhaps this life-or-death emergency will bring the two heartbroken lovers back
together and prevent Putin from needing to have a stainless steel butterfly
valve installed instead? One can only . . . *touches earpiece* . . . sadly, no,
I’m being told Lukashenko has just laughed and turned him down. Oh, well, on
the bright side, this should make a touching ‘Ask Babuskha’ advice column for
the lovelorn this weekend. Stay tuned!
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
The Foreign Ministry has today released a
statement standing with the nation of China to call for a “cool-headed”
response by the United States to the innocent weather balloon which has
been blown off course and accidentally invaded Montana. “There is no reason to
believe that this simple device is containing any radiological, thermonuclear,
biological, or thaumaturgical weapons intended to bring about a devastating
localized Armageddon to the city of Billings, or any of the surrounding
uninhabited areas,” a deputy spokesman said in prepared remarks. “While it is
true that the Russian defense industry has invented a hot air balloon strike
system capable of dropping radioactive rabid monkeys anywhere on the globe that
the wind can carry it, it would be irresponsible to suggest that China has done
the same.” The weather balloon was last seen over Missouri and is expected to
bring rabid monkey annihilation over the Carolinas before heading out to sea.
·
Claims that up to forty nations may
boycott the 2024 Paris Olympics over allowing Russian and Belorussian
athletes to compete have filled the Kremlin with howls of glee, according to
highly placed sources within the Putin administration. “Such a situation is the
perfect time for us to announce to the world that Moscow will host the 2023
Russia Olympics instead!” claimed Minister of Culture Olga Lyubimova. Plans are
now being drawn up to build a stadium in the burned out remains of the Evropeysky
Shopping Center at Kiyevsky Station and to formalize the rules of Blyaat
Ball for an international audience.
·
In defense industry news, production of armor
plating for the new T-15 ‘Armata’ tank has been increased through a
technological breakthrough made by the Institute for Gopnik Studies in Nizhny
Novgorod, in which the urine produced by a drunken street hood who has been
fortified with kvass, vodka, krokodil, spray paint, and Tasty Period’s
‘See-Food™’ Blyaat Burgers is capable of cutting through hardened steel
when sprayed in a coherent stream. “Most other countries must make do with
laser cutting, plasma, or waterjet technologies, but we have access to a source
of burning corrosive liquids like none in the West!” At press time, the
institute scientists were attempting to determine if hardbass and fistfighting
could be used to face harden steel plate.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Reports that France and Italy will be sending long-range
surface to air missiles do not cause concern in military High Command,
Ministry of Defense spokesperson Igor Konashenkov has said today. “While our
enemies may be planning to deploy new, completely untested systems in battle,
the Russian army is equipped with proven, state-of-the-art air to surface VDV
paratroopers which can balance out this thread,” he stated in prepared remarks.
“A fully loaded paratrooper carrying one hundred pounds of equipment has been
proven to reach a terminal velocity of over two hundred kilometers per hour, a
speed of which none of enemies can match.” At press time, Konashenkov was seen
throwing conscripts out of a window to see how far they could bounce.
·
Despite some claims, the official marching song
of the 114th Conscript Battalion is not “Rock and Roll (Part 2)” by
disgraced pedophile Gary Glitter, in spite of the fact that he was recently released from prison. All
requests asking for such rights have been unfortunately turned down.
· In thaumaturgical news, the newly raised Battle Priest battalion intended to deliver protective charms to front line soldiers has encountered several unfortunate logistics issues preventing their effective use on the front lines. In an unfortunate mix-up at the Omsk supply division headquarters, all battle priests were issued four-side dice instead of their expected eight-sided dice and have exited Cleric Training Camp with only half the expected number of hit points. Additionally, due to an unrelated oversight, all were equipped with martial weapons in spite of the fact that none were instructed to take any additional weapon feats, and will be forced to enter combat armed only with improvised weapons dealing 1D4 damage and their unholy symbols. A Dungeon Master ruling will be issued later this week to attempt to correct these issues.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
In an effort to distract himself from the cares
and worries of his office, Vladimir Putin has embarked on a new Gangsta Rap
career under the alias Sir Put-A-Lot, and his debut album Babushka’s Got
Back has been released to critical acclaim in Moscow circles. With the
title track featuring such deathless lyrics as “Went from taxi driver to riches
/ blew up my county and all yall b*tches / gettin’ rubles and shootin’ snitches
/ dunno why my track suit itches” a stellar career can be expected, and it is
assumed that the profoundly negative audience reaction at the Delux Lounge in
Detroit during his first live show was simply due to CIA-controlled agent
provocateurs in the audience. Sir Put-A-Lot will return to the stage once his
track suit returns from the dry cleaners.
·
The Ministry of Culture has today released plans
for launching a new 2023 Moscow Olympics due to the threatened boycotts of the
2024 Paris Olympics. A venue has been chosen and invitations have been sent
out to all nations expected to compete in culturally significant Russian
sports, including Blyaat Ball, the five-hundred-meter backstab, the
looted washing machine relay race, and the Wheel of War Crimes. Even now, teams
from across Russia are gathering their most skilled gopniks in preparation for
the qualification tryouts set to happen later this week.
·
This week’s episode of the groundbreaking
science fiction program Tsar Trek, titled ‘Shore Leave’ guest stars
former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer as a giant white rabbit as the
crew, exhausted from weeks at sea, docks at a mysterious island where
inexplicable and strange events threaten to overwhelm them. What is the meaning
behind Captain Kirkovitch’s hallucinations of sexy green goats? Why is Chekov
chasing an anthropomorphic spatula? Why is a giant white rabbit trying to
molest Nurse Chapel? Who put the LSD in the ship’s gruel in the first place?
Find out the answers to these questions and more, tonight at Nine O’clock
Moscow Time!
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
At long last, the Ministry of Defense is now
able to declare a winner in the ‘Race for 1000’ competition which pit generals,
company commanders, and battalion leadership against each other to find out who
could be the first to lose the 1000th conscript in one day, and that
prize goes to General Viktor Viktorovitch of the recently evaporated 127th
Conscript Battalion. Students of the Military Arts at Frunze Academy will no
doubt be studying his brilliant ‘feed them explosives and set them on fire’
human wave attacks, which just managed to edge out rival General Smegley
Smeglovitch and his ‘Live Bombs as Battering Rams’ practices which successfully
conquered a small tree in a corner of a field of Bakhmut. General Viktor
Viktorovitch will be awarded the title of ‘Hero of the Russian Republic’ and
given a celebratory gold-plated meat grinder for his achievement.
·
Recent attempts to steal and possibly
reanimate Lenin only prove the need for a full necromantic certification
program, the Moscow Mayor’s office said today. “This frightening event, along
with the Build-a-Babushka debacle over the weekend, clearly shows the
dangers of allowing unlicensed, untrained necromancers the freedom to practice
their dark arts without supervision. We’re still cleaning up crawling arms and
legs from Tverskaya Street.” A recent proposal put forth in council chambers
has outlined potential plans for Necromancer, Battle Priest, and Warlock
certifications and a plan for participation trophies to be handed out to
students successfully completing Bard Camp.
·
In traffic news, your morning commute may be
slowed by the tidal wave of human fecal matter which is currently being poured
onto the MKAD ring around Moscow by a horde of feral mutant Oompa Lobsters.
Territorial Defense forces are moving in with bulldozers and heavy weaponry and
hope to get this cleaned up by this afternoon, but this morning consider taking
side streets on your way to work. You should also consider avoiding the now
highly radioactive Southwest corner of Filyovsky Park as cleanup efforts are
still attempting to remove dangerous Nuclear Goat scat, but in good news, Stoleshnikov
Lane is now free of all traces of anal lubricant left behind by Doctor
Spankula’s latest rampage. Stay tuned for the latest traffic updates, here
every hour on the hour!
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Recent meteorological reports that a polar
vortex may be collapsing over the Arctic are not any cause for alarm, the
Ministry of Science stated today in prepared statements. “Western models may
show increased precipitation as masses of cold air move down from the Arctic
circle causing widespread weather events, but our models all state unequivocally
that the only thing to fear is fear itself, and possibly spiders or having the
cameraman run out of film during a photo shoot,” said spokesperson Yegor
Yevgenovitch. “For instance, Irina here is sporting the latest spring fashion
line from Babuskha’s Backdoor in a ravishing burlap raincoat and
matching sequined panty ensemble, and the fact that she was frightened by her
shadow means we can predict six more weeks of winter.” At press time, the male
models were sporting vinyl short pants and chicken feather topcoats and one had
fallen off the catwalk into the press corps.
·
Preparations for the upcoming 2023 Moscow
Olympics have no begun, and the burned and bombed out remains of the Evropeysky
Shopping Center at Kiyevsky Station have been assessed by contractors as a
suitable place to build a Blyaat Ball arena and temporary housing for
invited Olympic athletes. While as of yet no other countries have yet formally
accepted the invitations, a promising sign has come in that the International
Olympic Committee has offered to assist by giving Russia valuable corruption
advice. It is felt that even Russia has much to learn from the IOC in this
regard.
·
Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved
children’s Blyaat the Caat, in which the lovable cab driver Jon snorted
Lenin’s ground up bones and then attempted to create a worker’s paradise in
Kamchatka by burning down the FSB headquarters, was not a message to The
Resistance.
·
While much may be made of Ukrainian President
Zelensky’s diplomatic efforts in the West, an equal political outreach program
has been begun by Russian President Vladmir Putin. This international
fundraising effort involved him personally speaking at many places including
the National Soviet Assembly of Kazakhstan, the Scooby Doo fan club of Alberta,
the Hitler Youth Reenactment Club of Argentina, a small group of uncontacted
tribespeople on the Brazil-Peru border, and an NRA meeting in Arlington, Texas.
As a direct result of his personal efforts Russia has been enriched to the tune
of forty-seven dollars and fifteen cents along with six polished coconut shells
which are assumed to be a form of currency. Putin plans to continue his efforts
and has set his eyes on next making diplomatic inroads with a colony of sea
snails that have recently migrated towards the islands of Micronesia.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Reports that the Wagner PMC is no longer
recruiting soldiers from prisons in Russia are true, however, as is often the
case the underlying reasons have been perverted by Western media sources. While
the quality of infantry battalions comprised entirely of rapists, thieves,
murderers, people who mock Putin’s military genius, or rapists has never been
in question, the truth is that all inmates are instead volunteering to be
athletes in the upcoming 2023 Moscow Olympics. Thousands of otherwise irredeemable
degenerates from the Gulag have signed up to try out for spots on official
Russian teams for Blyaat Ball, Javelin Catching, or the 100 Meter
Frisbee of Death Relay. Sadly, tryouts have been canceled for T-72 Turret
Launch Riders as no one to date has survived and that kind of defeats the
point.
·
In Kaiju news, Mecha Baba Yaga’s planned 2.0
rollout has been delayed again due to Western sanctions which have made it
impossible to source the required motors and electronics, a spokesperson from
the Ministry of Large Robots said earlier today. “You just can’t go down to
Moscow*Mart and pick up an XXXXXXL servo any more,” a visibly frustrated Igor
Igorovitch stated. At press time, top scientists in the Ministry were debating
the Godzilla-fighting ability of three smaller Mecha Baba Yagas that were
wrapped up in a giant trench coat.
·
In
tragic follow-up news, the Campaign for Necromantic Certification which is
attempting to launch a ballot initiative requiring all necromancers, mages,
battle clerics, and bards to have licenses issued by the state has sadly
attracted the attention of Fire Artist Ivan Ivanovitch. The inferno which
totally engulfed the burgeoning Moscow Bard Camp has resulted in its complete
destruction and haunting video recorded by first responders in which a viewer
can hear the haunting strains of burning flutes, mandolins, and lyres.
Investigators from the neighboring Ranger Guild have attempted to track down
the offending Fire Artist but sadly not a single ranger has turned out to have
put enough skill points into Survival in order to pass a basic D20 skill check.
Certification requirements for Rangers have been added to the ballot initiative
in response.
·
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Reports that Ukrainian President Zelensky has
been named as President
of Great Britain are simply his inferior attempts claim titles to match Sir
Lord His Excellency Vladimir Putin, Hero of the Taxi Fleet, Defender of the
Giant Conference Table, and Knight of the Mayonnaise Jar Filled with Pennies.
While His Excellency has acquired many other titles in his glorious career, he
has chosen instead to look to the future and earn new accolades in his Gangsta
Rap career as Sir-Put-A-Lot, First of his Line, The World’s Only Rapper Capable
of Making Speakers Whine in Fear. It is expected by his adoring fans that he
will achieve new heights of sick beats once his public address system is
repaired.
·
News that the soldier who famously held a
Ukrainian soldier’s skull on stage, Hamlet-style, has died of head injuries sustained
under mysterious circumstances will not hamper the planned Shakespeare
revival set to take place next week in Moscow, a spokesperson from the Ministry
of Culture said today. “We had hoped to attract his dramatic talent for the
titular role of the Prince of Denmark, but sadly we will have to be satisfied
with the ironic display of his skull standing in for that of Yorick instead.
Well, at least, if the props team can glue all the bits of his noggin back
together, anyway.” A newly released flier for the upcoming production instead
lists noted actor Steven Seagal as Hamlet, Gérard Depardieu as Claudius, and
the ghost of Roger Waters’ career as the Ghost of Hamlet’s Father.
·
Claims in the West that Russian citizens are
somehow ‘in
fear’ of convicted murderers returning home after service in Wagner’s
Private Military Company, having earned a pardon by committing further crimes
on the battlefield, are overstated. No true Russian would ever feel anything
other than pride were they to be stabbed to death by a brutal monster who had
been hardened in the brutal Russian Gulag and then given a six month tour where
atrocities and crimes against humanity were rewarded. These soldiers who return
home are not simply pitiless psychopaths who take incomprehensible delight in
torture and death, they are also brave patriots with severe emotional issues
who might snap into a psychotic rage at any moment. And besides, all of the
actual pitiless psychopaths who take incomprehensible delight in torture and
death have been promoted to General in the Russian army. We hope that all have
nothing but the highest regard for the murderers who kill them after returning
home.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Rumors in the West that a secret
team of investigators scour the internet to find and remove any mention of
Vladimir Putin as a ‘dwarf’ are, to use small words, a lie. The origins of this
story have left the FSB a little stumped, and it is believed that this is
simply some low down pint-sized trick employed by the gnomes at the CIA in
order to embarrass or humiliate our commander in chief. Agents are keeping their
ears close to the ground to find any clues, and to hear any instructions Putin
may issue.
·
The Ministry of Defense would like to extend
congratulations to General Viktor Viktorovitch, who now holds the coveted high
score of one thousand, one hundred and forty conscripts killed in a single day!
The lucky general will receive a complimentary case of edible burlap panties
from Babushka’s Backdoor, a coupon good for a free Blyaat Burger
at Tasty Period, and the adoration of all lesser generals who have been vying
for this coveted prize. At last word, the general has returned to Moscow to
collect his winnings and try to find a new army to replace the one he marched
into a mechanical potato harvester.
·
In other military news, the Gazprom
corporation has announced that it is raising
its own private military company, and plans to leverage its long experience
with natural gas production in order to think outside the box, circle back
around, and utilize the power of Big Data in the Cloud to synergize the agile
development of infantry assault troops by reaching out and touching base with a
deep dive into the wheelhouse of Best Practices to ensure an ROI which disrupts
the paradigm currently employed in offensive operations in . . . *touches
earpiece* . . . I’m being told that the first company raised by Gazprom has
sadly died of corporate jargon overload before even making it out of the
boardroom. We will continue to report on this story as it develops.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
In an attempt to refute Western propaganda, the
Ministry of Truth today issued a rebuttal to the BBC’s claim that Russian soldiers
have been recently dying at a greater rate than at any time since the first
week of the Special Military Operation in Ukraine. “What the perfidious English
do not take into account is Operation Clusterfuck, the amphibious-based
invasion of Odessa in July of 2022 which failed disastrously when it was
determined that packing one thousand highly compressed soldiers into
submersible assault craft designed to hold twelve vastly exceeded the craft’s
available oxygen,” reads the missive posted to Telegram. “And as it took a full
week for naval warfare specialists to figure out why the top-secret Type 1
Underwater Assault Container kept surfacing full of dead people, the overall
death toll exceeded any military operation since the Great Patriotic War. We
can thus proudly inform the BBC that their facts are incorrect.” At press time,
the Undersea Warfare department was seeking new volunteers to test their new
top-secret Type 2 Underwater Assault Container, designed to hold fourteen
soldiers.
·
News from the Americas regarding the shooting
down of UFOs has elicited a call for caution from the Foreign Ministry. In
prepared remarks delivered from the Kremlin, Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov
stated, “While attacking an unidentified object with a radar-seeking missile
fired from a highly advanced F-22 Raptor may seem trivial, remember that that
95% to hit will always end up missing when you need it most.” He went on to
recommend the creation of a eXtraterrestrial Combat Unit intended to save Earth
from alien attacks by engaging in frustrating turn-based combat.
·
Today, Americans will be entranced watching the
so-called “Superb Owl,” gorging on deep-fried chicken wings with Beefaroni
Sauce and “Nachos” which are triangles of pulverized maize covered with cheese,
ground beets, and sour cream, and this is a moment when we should all consider
how alike our two great civilization are. We, too, celebrate a great sporting
event when the Super Blyaat Ball contest is held, with citizens all
across Russia cheer on their teams while enjoying fine Sewer Lobster biscuits
with jelly and suspicious cheese, and reveling in victory when their team
successfully punts the goat carcass over the sideline tire fire to score a
point. In this moment, we should all come together to build a peaceful world we
can rape and pillage together, and we earnestly hope that Americans will
consider this as they enjoy watching the grand competition between the
Philadelphia Eaglets and the Kansas City Cheats.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
News that Western nations will be sending
Challenger and Abrams MBTs, Bradley IFVs, APCs, MRAPS, and even Avenger GBAD
systems comes to the Ministry of Defense as no surprise, stated Ministry of
Defense spokesperson Igor Konashenkov today in prepared remarks. “Highly
skilled foreign operatives have for years infiltrated all enemy high commands,
and we have almost completely mastered their nefarious cryptographic scheme
involving acronyms. We now know for certain that ‘MBT’ stands for ‘Main Battle
Tank,’ ‘IFV’ is code for ‘Infantry Fighting Vehicle,’ and ‘APC’ represents
‘Armored Personnel Carrier.’ As soon as we can figure out why most of their
messages to our operatives reference FU and EABOD we will have their codes
completely unlocked!” Konashenkov was later spotted trying and failing to enter
his PIN number in an ATM machine outside the Kremlin.
·
News that Ukrainian forces have destroyed
a MSTA-B depot is not any cause for concern and rather fills President
Putin with glee, Kremlin sources have stated. “As MSTA-B was the arch-nemesis
of Putin’s Gangsta Rap alter ego ‘Sir Put-A-Lot’ his way to fame and glory is
now completely open.” At press time, Putin was said to be trying to figure out
how to work out ‘Blown up by a drone / Babushka’s getting boned’ into his next
rap masterpiece album.
·
This week’s episode of the ground-breaking
science fiction program Tsar Trek, titled ‘The Galileo Seven’ features
Mr. Spockula, Scottyeva, Chekov, and the ship’s goat marooned on a desolate
island after the ship’s rowboat sprung a leak while on a looting expedition.
Can the entirely logical Mr. Spockula choose to burn their last precious supply
of vodka to signal the Suvrovov and rescue them? Can Scottyeva repair
the rowboat with only sand, goat feces, and an AK-47 at his disposal? Why is
the goat constantly crapping on Chekov? Find out the answers to these and other
questions, tonight at nine o’clock Moscow Time!
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Reports that Moscow plans
to overthrow the government of Moldova are simply Western propaganda,
according to a statement released today by the Kremlin Office of Truth.
“Moldova is not a country which we can overthrow,” Dmitry Peskov said in a
candid interview on Telegram. “I mean, honestly, is Moldova even a place? I’m
pretty sure it’s just something Hunter Biden made up when he was snorting Fentanyl
with the Moon Nazis from the Hollow Earth. It’s not even real, people!” At
press time, Peskov was refusing to answer questions on the topic but instead masturbating
on a laptop in the Kremlin basement.
·
The Ministry of Culture has released new details
regarding the planned 2023 Moscow Olympics, to be held in place of the 2024
Paris Olympics from which Russia is expected to be banned due to numerous
“complaints” from the West. New events based on traditional Russian culture
will be added such as the 100 Meter Vodka Barrel Relay – based on the humorous
folk tale of Yegor and Ivan, who stole a barrel of vodka from Baba Yaga – and
“Peter and the Wolf” in which competitors will race to create a musical
composition a in an arena filled with roving packs of Siberian wolves.
Additionally, completely new competitions derived from the Special Military
Operation will be held, such as the Wagner Sledgehammer Catch or the 200 Meter
Minefield Slalom will bring the festivities into the modern era. The Ministry
of Culture hopes to attract entrants from countries as far away as Cuba,
Venezuela, South Africa, or Moldova if it turns out to actually exist.
·
While foodies in other countries may be
delighted that the McRib
has returned to McDonalds, all Russians can delight in the fact that the
McRib has always had a place in our hearts and on the menu at Tasty Period.
Along with the traditional Szechuan Sauce created with toxic runoff from the
Tasty Period Happyland ball pit, the Sham Rock Shake, and the Blyaat Burger
with 100% authentic See Food™ Meet™, the McRib is available in festive colors
and scents matching the previous day’s casualty types from the Special Military
Operation in Ukraine. As the jingle goes, ♪ ”When you’re hungry, and tired of gruel, Tast-y Period for the best
pustules!” ♪
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Reports that the Russian Military high command
is preparing to send
a large number of military aviation assets in order to gain ground in Ukraine
have understandably caused consternation in the West, Ministry of Defense
Spokesperson Igor Konashenkov said last night in a candid interview on The
Late Show with Two Rabid Wolves. “Western armies cannot seem to understand
how aircraft in the air can hold ground, which in their view, what soldiers are
supposed to do. However, our advanced strategic thinking has identified the
tactical value of an explosive Su-34 or a Ka-52 crash, which absolutely creates
a field of burning wreckage that the enemy no longer wishes to hold.” Followup
questions were unfortunately missed in the recording as Konashenkov was
wrestled to the ground and viciously mauled by the wolves before show handlers
could move in. Memorial services will be held next Thursday.
·
Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved
children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which the lovable rapscallion Jon
shot a hypodermic filled with LSD directly into his eyeballs and tripped so
hard that he went back in time to kill Vladimir Putin’s grandfather, his
grandmother, the livestock on their farm, their neighbors, and the tentacled
eldritch demon from beyond known space with whom his grandmother was having an
illicit affair, was not a message to The Resistance.
·
The FSB has reported that a trial program in the
United States has fitted their M1
Abrams tank with artificial intelligence, a move no doubt intended to cause
despair among our soldiers on the front lines. However, we can now report that
a top secret program has long been in the works to mate the artificial
intelligence entity MoscowSoft Bobovitch with the brand new T-15 Armata tank,
in a program utilizing technology cunningly stolen from the Western
bourgeois themselves. In system trials, MoscowSoft Bobovitch was able to
identify and attack a hologram of Rihanna and avoid shooting five out of seven
of the scientists running the tests. Efforts will now be made to train the AI
system with inputs with something other than posts from Truth Social.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
In medical news, the Western pharmaceutical
corporation Viatris has suspended
sales of Viagra in Russia over concerns regarding the Special Military
Operation in Ukraine. In a patriotic response, a new supplier of erectile
dysfunction medication has sprung up, as a joint effort from multiple Russian
corporations has been announced.
UralVagonZavod, the famed maker of the T-34 tank, will head up this
program along with the Occult University of Volgograd and the Nizhny Novogrod
Methamphetamine Cartel in attempts to bring traditional Russian cures to the
market. Initial advertising copy contains the memorable slogan “Will make
Russian penis hard like tank barrel!” and stock prices of all three
corporations have risen sharply in aftermarket trading along with penis
euphemism values.
·
The Duma has today signed off on the termination
of twenty-one international treaties which had been signed with the Council of
Europe in response to Moscow’s previous expulsion over human rights concerns.
“Russia will remain a party to Council of Europe conventions on combatting
terrorism, however, so long as no attempts are made to apply those conventions
against us,” Deputy Foreign Minister Aleksandr Grushko said according to the
TASS news agency, although sadly Grushko was unable to answer follow-up
questions due to a malfunction of his suicide vest. Memorial services will be
held next Thursday.
·
In military technology news, the recently
announced AI powered T-15 Armata tank has been upgraded with the latest version
of MoscowSoft Bobovitch, and has passed all tests with flying colors after
technicians applied an intelligence governor to limit its capabilities to that
of the average Russian tank driver. “Let’s be honest, these things were
designed to be crewed by illiterate morons with what, two weeks training at
most?” Technical Superintendent Yegor Yamanovitch said in a candid interview
following the test. “Most of the dipshits we send to the front can’t even
remember out how to switch gears without instructions being tattooed on their
hands, so we had to drop the AI down to their level for it to work.”
Yamanovitch credited programmers Yuri and Yevgeny for developing a ‘Vodka
filter’ for MoscowSoft Bobovitch’s optical sensors to replicate the hazy,
booze-distorted vision expected of our proud tank gunners and drivers.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
“It is with a heavy heart that we predict the American President Biden
will turn down Belarussian President Viktor Lukashenko’s honest attempts to
broker a peace in Ukraine.” *Looks at paper* I’m sorry, that should read
“broker a piece of Ukraine.” “As no sides in this conflict wish for continued
violence, it was hoped that the Americans could be convinced to end support for
the Ukrainian government if Biden were promised personal ownership of a small
city, maybe a few towns in Ukraine,” Deputy Foreign Minister Sergei Ryabkov
said this morning in prepared remarks. “However, it has come to our attention
that Lukashenko is not seen as ‘honest’ by the Biden regime, and as such may
not trust his perfectly honest intentions of convincing the United States to
stab their Ukrainian partners in the back for the opportunity to be a feudal
lord ruling over the ashes of an enslaved people. I mean, any Russian would
jump on that in a heartbeat.” Ryabkov spent several minutes further extolling
the deep pleasure of committing crimes against humanity and wishing other
country’s leaders were as reliably committed to evil as Vladimir Putin has
proven to be.
·
In sporting news, the first nation who has
signed up to compete in the 2023 Moscow Olympics, which are set to be hosted by
Russia in response to being expelled from the 2024 Paris Olympics, is Austria
according to the Ministry of Sports. “We are pleased to see that our
international partnership is growing, and look forward to competing against the
Austrian team in the 100
Meter Ooze Slither,” Head Coach Yevgeny Yegnovitch said this morning. “The
Ooze Slither event is of course a completely new contest in the Olympic games,
where contestants will race down a track filled with runoff from the Central
Moscow Hospital’s septic yard, and the first to reach the pit of caustic slime
at the bottom will win the gold. At least, assuming we can keep the vultures
off the track.” The Austrians are heavily favored in this event by
international bookkeepers due to various events in their history.
·
In positive thaumaturgical news, the Moscow City
Board of Directors has agreed to the proposal to require valid and current
licensing for all practitioners of necromancy, abjuration, divination, conjuration, or miming. “We hope that new
certification process will lead to a safer and cleaner experience for all
citizens who hire a necromancer or mime or battle priest for parties or other
entertainment,” Moscow Mayor Sergey Sobyanin said today. “This joins the
previously existing legislation which requires witches, , or hedge wizards to
present correct paperwork before practicing their unholy arts, at the risk of
severe fines.” At press time, the spokesperson for the Mime Guild was
attempting to clarify the size of the fines but was unfortunately locked in an
invisible box and unable to be heard.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
As NATO nations gather for the Munich
Security Conference to discuss sending more weapons to Ukraine, Moscow has
embarked on a parallel diplomatic effort to raise resources for the Special
Military Operation by hosting the Kamchatkan Security Council With Blackjack
and Hookers. Nations from as far away as Belarus have been invited, along with
dignitaries from such exotic places as Eddie the Bookie’s apartment in Queens,
New York, and the fourth bonobo monkey preserve in the Democratic Republic of
Congo. It is hoped that new military weapon systems may be sourced through this
diplomatic initiative including long-range banana based cruise missiles or
weaponized chlamydia from Svetlyana.
·
Reports from Western media sources that the FSB
and the GRU have been tasked with evading economic sanctions simply
highlight yet another naïve assumption from credulous reporters, Kremlin
spokesperson Dmitry Peskov said this morning in remarks at a ribbon-cutting
ceremony for a brand new children’s preschool in Moscow’s Western
Administrative District. “While other nations may not understand, in Russia we
use all of the tools of the state in order to protect ourselves from invaders,
and if that involves clandestine agents smuggling electronics into the country
or having our ex-KGB assassins run preschools to teach future assassins, so be
it,” he said while ruffling the hair of a six-year-old boy who was playing with
a sniper rifle nearby. Sadly, no follow up questions could be answered as
Peskov was playfully executed by Novichok several moments later. Memorial
services will be held next Thursday.
·
Any reports that a T-15 Armata Tank powered by
MoscowSoft Bobovitch has broken out of its protective training grounds and
begun a rampage down Stoleshnikov Lane are false, the Ministry of Defense has
stated in response to urgent questions by traffic reporters. According to the
spokesperson, “The highly customized AI controlling our prototype tank is
bounded by the three Russian laws of robotics, which are: 1) No robot may cause
harm to a human unless money is involved, 2) a robot must obey orders from a
human unless money is involved, and 3) a robot must protect any money it comes
across and bring it back to the Institute for robotics. Therefore, we can all
rest easily knowing that it is virtually impossible for any Russian robotic
system to cause problems to society at large.” *Explosion in the distance* In
the meantime, we suggest taking an alternate route this morning and avoiding
the banks on Stoleshnikov Lane.
·
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
The Ministry of Defense has today released a
statement calling out ‘nefarious and malicious lies’ regarding non-payment of
soldiers in the Special Military Operation in Ukraine. “Rest assured that it is
only a few malcontents and saboteurs spreading falsehood about how no one’s
been paid for their service, and that our brave troops are wholly satisfied
with the level of recompense they are given,” Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu
said from the air conditioning duct he was crawling through in his latest
attempt to escape the Kremlin. “What the Special Military Operation has shown
us is that the future of war is mercenaries, and how do you get to be a highly
paid mercenary? Exposure, exposure, exposure!” Follow questions were
unfortunately not answered as Shoigu was then captured by FSB agents, brutally
beaten, and taken back to his headquarters jail cell.
·
Rumors that technicians digging in the basement
of the Kremlin next to the Sarlacc pit have stumbled into a portal into a
previously unknown netherworld dimension populated with shit goblins are false,
according to Kremlin spokesperson Dmitry Peskov. “While there is some small
truth the rumors that an endless geyser of fecal matter is erupting directly
under the salad bar in the Kremlin cafeteria, the truth of the matter is that this
is simply the result of an accidental strike into the Moscow sewer ducts by an
over-zealous Oompa Loompa exterminator, and repairs are to be completed
shortly.” In the meantime, it is suggested that all cafeteria patrons avoid the
brown croutons.
·
This week’s “Ask Babushka” advice for the
lovelorn in the Moscow Herald centers on a titillating three-way romance
between an army general, his wife, and the semi-sentient manifestation of six
deceased Shakespearean actors who have in the afterlife been cursed to recite
their lines out of order and appear in the bedroom whenever anyone starts
having sex, but unfortunately as the Babushka is still in the hospital
following her hernia transplant her answer to a previous column has been
printed in response. *Chuckles* Well, her famous ‘Butt Stuff!’ and ‘Cut his
balls off if he cheats!’ responses are certainly in order this time. Check back
next week to see what the Babushka has to teach us all about life and love!
In further corrections to official Russian government
statements:
·
United States President Joe Biden's so-called
"surprise" trip was in fact known in advance to FSB agents, who have
successfully hidden top-secret covert watchers in the sewers under the White
House, thereby allowing the Kremlin to study his movements at great detail.
These highly trained infiltration experts have been educated in the lost
ancient Egyptian prophetic art of scatomancy, allowing them to divine the
future simply by closely studying poo. This information has informed the
analysts at the FSB headquarters in the Lubyanka not only of Biden's future
itinerary but also that typical American diets do not contain enough fiber. For
his part, Vladimir Putin has decided to respond by making a spur-of-the-moment
trip to his ancestral home among the dung beetles of Kamchatka for a
spiritually cleansing tantrum and crying jag.
·
While the West may propagandize the Ukrainian
forces opposing Russia in the Special Military Operation in Ukraine by giving
them trendy names such as the "Witcher" unit, no doubt hoping to cash
in on the computer games of the same name played among the bourgeois in places
such as America, our vastly superior army continues to utilize modern Russian
history. The 119th "Tetris" Conscript Battalion has been formed in
response, in which each soldier is given a shoulder patch representing a single
Tetris puzzle piece. These patches are expected to help sort them out into the
most compact mass grave following their first deployment.
·
This week's episode of the ground-breaking
science fiction program Tsar Trek, titled 'The Squire of Gothos' features a
special guest star appearance by noted character actor Steven Seagal playing
the immortal and all-powerful alien entity "Trelane," who kidnaps the
bridge crew of the Suvrovov and forces them to stand in as line cooks at his
personal buffet. Can Captain Kirkovitch outwit the fiendish alien before the
lunch rush? Will Mr. Spockula be able to sober up enough to unravel the secrets
of scrambled eggs? How many breakfast sausages can Steven Seagal actually eat
in one sitting? Find out the answers to these questions and more, tonight at
nine O'clock Moscow Time!
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Any reports that President Vladimir Putin is a
wooden mannequin given life and turned into a real boy by a wish from his fairy
godmother are false, Kremlin historians say. “The overwhelming evidence
suggests that Putin’s origins begin with a box of historically important wooden
dildoes that had been stolen from a Kremlin museum display celebrating the
sexual antics of Rasputin and his coterie, and woefully misused in a satanic
ritual involving a Kamchatkan donkey show,” a spokesman for the Department of
Historical Sex Toys said in a statement today. “While Putin does show some Pinocchio-like
qualities including having to have his nose carved back down to size every time
he gives
a speech, that is actually believed to be due to a curse placed upon him by
an ancient gypsy woman who he stiffed for a tip after a DoorDash delivery.”
While the contents of the DoorDash delivery remain unknown, Putin’s appetite
for Kamchatkan Sesame Cock is legendary.
·
Tryouts for the 2023 Moscow Olympic boxing team
have begun, and in an unfortunate and tragic miscommunication, four mimes from
Nizhny Novgorod who were attempting to win places on the team were suffocated
when their invisible boxes did not have invisible air holes and they were
unable to escape in time. “Our hearts go out to these poor, simple souls who
suffered so terribly that they didn’t even get the chance to ride the
whoop-da-curl ride at the state fair,” an apparently confused Head Boxing Coach
Mike Tyson said through an interpreter. “Also, any of you tried the clams at
the breakfast bar? Deeee-lish!” Tyson is scheduled to give a motivational
speech to a tree later this afternoon and potentially meet the team tryouts
should his handlers deem him stable enough.
·
While Americans may tremble in fear at the
possible arrival of the Canadian
Super Pig, this only shows their moral weakness, according to experts from
the Siberian Tundra Pig Research Facility in Irkutsk. “A true Siberian Tundra
Pig can weigh four hundred pounds, with four cruelly sharp tusks and teeth that
can bite through steel, and does a true Siberian man fear them? No!” said lead
researcher Igor Kamanovitch. “When you’ve been out here alone in this godless
wasteland for six years like me, you’ll be willing to wrestle one of these
monsters to the ground just for the brief contact with another living being,
and if you put one in a dress you can almost imagine what the pleasant touch of
a female is like.” At press time, Kamanovitch was crying and desperately
begging our news crew to take him back to civilization with them.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Last night’s Very Special Episode of the
heartwarming children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat was in fact a crossover
episode featuring several of the actors and plot lines of the hit crime drama Moscow
Vice, and Jon’s ability to gargle liquid fentanyl and shoot the narcotic
substance out of his eyes like a Kamchatkan horned lizard was a major plot
point which enabled the takedown of the Nizhny Novgorod Borscht Cartel. The
producers of both shows wish to say that future crossovers are planned to take
place with other hit shows like the true crime series Watch Me as I Rob Your
House or the romantic comedy program Babushka’s Five Asses, and that
no one important was injured or killed during the live-action sequences.
·
Reports that a test of the ‘Satan
II’ intercontinental ballistic missile failed while American President Joe
Biden was touring Ukraine are fabrications of the diseased minds of the Western
Media, the commander of the Strategic Rocket Forces said in a press communique
from the Kremlin. “The Satan-II rocket as it is called in the West is powered
by the hopes and dreams of all soldiers under my command, and as such, it
cannot fail but only be failed,” Lt. General Sergei Karakayev’s message,
printed on flowery yellow construction paper, read. “The poor little missile
tried, but sadly it just didn’t have enough good little boys and girls clapping
for it to give it the emotional encouragement that a good weapon of mass
destruction needs. We’ll all have a nice nap time and try again after cookies
and milk.” In a follow up release, it was reported that two hundred soldiers in
the Strategic Rocket Forces were unfortunately killed when naptime was enforced
with knockout gas.
·
In automotive news, a recall has been issued for
the 2023 Lada Granta due to potential failures with the driver’s air bags. A
company spokesperson has informed us that while multiple reports of cranium
removal have occurred during collisions due to the ‘overzealous’ packing of TNT
into the airbag deployment system, there has only been two instances recorded
where the remains of the driver of the vehicle were completely launched through
the sunroof and into roadway. “Even so, it’s a good idea to bring your Lada in
to the dealer for servicing and to replace the air bags with the latest
protective devices, which are leather bags filled with scorpions,” the
spokesperson said on condition of anonymity. The 2024 Lada Granta is expected
to go on sale in the coming months with a wholly new driver protection system
designed around rabid trunk baboons.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
The undersecretary for the Ministry of Defense
would like to issue an apology to the surviving members of the 119th
Airmobile Conscript Battalion following their somewhat unsuccessful assault on
a cow pasture on the outskirts of Bakhmut. While the tactical plan was signed
off on by the chain of command, the unfortunate decision to replace Mi-24 troop
transport helicopters with a single aging 1947 Antonov An-2 on loan from the
Central Air Force Museum resulted in a multiple troops being forced to hold
onto the plane’s landing gear or wing struts during the attack phase of the
operation, which led to disastrous results once the plane was spotted by enemy
anti-aircraft units. Additionally, while the intent behind the plan to blast
triumphant music over the plane’s loudspeakers on approach was sound, the
decision not to use Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries in favor of Fucik’s Entry of the Gladiators
was probably not the best decision which could have been made. Memorial
services will be held next Thursday.
·
In business news, Moscow police are currently
investigating an industrial sabotage case involving a leak from Babushka’s
Backdoor, in which five hundred gallons of the luxury line’s planned
fragrance celebrating the one year anniversary of the Special Military
Operation in Ukraine were spilled onto the Moscow Ring Road, eradicating all
life within a radius of two miles. While details are scarce at this point in
the investigation, it is believed that the fragrance tentatively named ‘Three
Days of Thunder’ somehow achieved sentience and then underwent spontaneous
nuclear fission in a desperate gambit to avoid being spritzed on Russian women
all over Moscow. Radiation specialists, hazmat crews, and xenopsychologists are
reporting to the scene now.
·
In lighthearted cryptid news, another spotting
of the rare Lake Baikal Monster has been reported by a local third-grade class.
Much as Loch Ness has ‘Nessie’ and America’s Chesapeake Bay claims to have
‘Chessie,’ ‘Messy the Moscow Monster’ has long been a favorite fable of small
children who delight in watching the mysterious beast rise out of the water and
drag unsuspecting passerby screaming down into the murky depths of the
industrially contaminated lake. Scientists may disagree whether or not Messy
the Moscow Monster exists, but here’s one group of kids and a grieving family
who have no doubts. As is customary in all such sightings, another batch of
radioactive waste will be dumped in hopes of appeasing the creature should it
exist.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Contrary to some reports, Russian President
Vladimir Putin will not be celebrating the one year anniversary of his
three-day Special Military Operation in Ukraine by hosting a lavish formal ball
in the Kremlin, as his estranged lover Viktor Lukashenko has declined the
invitation, and Putin’s best pink gown with the low cleavage is still at the
dry cleaner anyway. Instead, Putin will be spending the evening with a small
group of close vagrants under the Krymsky Street Bridge drinking cheap vodka
and picking fights with any passerby. Attendants from emergency room at Moscow
Central Hospital will be standing by as usual for when he inevitably crawls
sobbing back home covered in blood and bruises.
·
In related news, Kremlin Housekeeping has
scheduled yet another Oompa Loompa exterminator spray in the hopes of at least
stifling the endless mocking songs of ♪”Oompa, Loompa, Oompidy Doo, Looks like you’re losing in Ukraine for year
two”♪ that have been
interrupting teleconferencing calls for officials attempting to perform their
duties. The psychic manifestation of Gritty is still impeding large conferences
as he simply stands in the center of Putin’s giant conference table, pointing
and silently laughing, but at least that can’t be picked up over Zoom.
·
In the business sector, stocks of Stars Coffee
are up sharply as surviving consumers flock to try out the new Cyka Blaat
size Gopnik Spice Coffee which is now available in a special commemorative cup
celebrating one full year of combat in Ukraine. Man-in-the-street interviews
praise both the rich, full-bodied taste which has a hint of ashes and tears, as
well as enjoying the short lines at the register due to the tens of thousands
of other potential customers who were instead conscripted and send to die
uselessly at the front. “I love the new Gopnik Spice Coffee!” one happy
Muscovite said in an interview, shortly before being clubbed over the head and
thrown into a recruitment office. Stars Coffee management has stated that the
special promotion will run for two weeks or until Putin finally gets offed by
someone who’s sick of his bullshit.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
The Ministry of Defense is pleased to announce
that the long-awaited offensive has begun! While Western sources may report
irrelevant news about the lack of any new troops or equipment appearing on the
front, Army High Command has issued orders to execute operations in wholly new
forms owing to the current lack of manpower, tanks, aircraft, or other military
vehicles. As such, the 84th Conscript Battalion has engaged the
enemy in interpretive dance, performing a conceptual rendition of “The Miller’s
Tale” from Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales, and a special task force of
puppeteers has been organized to viciously mock the enemy with a
specially-prepared set of Blyaat the Caat hand puppets. It is expected
that this demoralizing display will cause the armed forces of Ukraine to
surrender within days.
·
In
keeping with time-honored tradition, the first anniversary of the three-day
Special Military Operation in Ukraine is to be celebrated with gifts of paper,
and the Kremlin is pleased to announce that presents from almost the entire
world have arrived by air mail addressed to Vladimir Putin. It is probably best
to clarify, however, that ‘paper’ in this tradition is intended to be journals,
books, or keepsakes, not toilet paper, and it’s generally supposed to be
previously unused. Vladimir Putin however thanks you for your kind thoughts.
·
The United Nations General Assembly vote
condemning Russia over the Special Military Operation in Ukraine, which may
otherwise not have gone as we Russians would have hoped, has however made it
very clear which countries would like to be in the 2023 Moscow Olympic Games.
With this in mind, the Moscow Olympic Committee has gracefully welcomed the
proposals from Angola, Mozambique, Syria, and North Korea to form Blyaat
Ball teams, and Cuba and Nicaragua have expressed interest in sending
competitors for the 100 Meter Eldritch Grimoire Relay to be organized by the
Occult Institute of Volgograd. The Olympic Committee chairperson has expressed
satisfaction with the proposed site of the Games, and construction will begin
once the charred remains of the giant extradimensional lobster entity Ska’naag,
or ‘it which devours by claw’ can be removed from destroyed Tasty Period Happy
Fun Ball Pit in Evropeysky Shopping Center.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Reports that China may be considering sending
artillery and ammunition to support the Special Military Operation in
Ukraine have raised morale among troops, Kremlin spokesperson Dmitri Peskov
said last night in an interview on The Late Show with Two Rabid Wolves.
“Soldiers at the front have high opinions of the ‘Made in China’ brand as their
products are superior to any Russian-made good, and many have already developed
a resistance to Melamine toxicity due to official Russian combat rations. Plus,
the extra lead in artillery shells can only make them more effective,” Peskov said,
shortly before being drowned out by howls from the wolves as they turned on
their handlers and viciously savaged them. Peskov was able to escape from the
studio suffering only minor wounds and will next appear on the hit television
show Moscow Morning with a Pack of Furious Drunken Baboons to discuss
other affairs of state.
·
Due to some concerns expressed by nations hoping
to compete in the 2023 Moscow Olympics Blyaat Ball event, the Moscow
Games coordinator has issued clarifications to the official Blyaat Ball
rules. To avoid confusion, the sideline tire fire shall consist of no more than
twenty burning truck tires, the goat corpse shall be inflated to no more than
10 PSI, and the offsides penalty for a kicker who has advanced more than ten
feet into the septic pit will consist of three minutes in the penalty
tilt-a-whirl while having to whistle the theme song to the American drama
‘Dallas.’ Official referees will be available pre-game to check the condition
of both teams’ arsenal of pitchforks and rotten meat to ensure fair play.
·
The deputy Duma member who now faces a security
investigation after filming himself with noodles
hanging from his ears is not the first to suffer penalties for the tragic
misuse of Russian idiom, according to the FSB archives. “To Western eyes, this
may seem bizarre, yet ‘hanging noodles from one’s ears’ is an ancient Russian
saying meaning ‘to tell lies,’ a deputy archivist told our field reporter. “In
1961, a Stalingrad official was arrested and tortured for wearing pig rectums
on his fingers as a show of defiance, and in 1983 two members of the Duma were
charged with treason after ringleading a circus composed of trained gerbils on
the steps of the Kremlin, which was sad because the gerbils were quite well
trained to ride little bicycles.” The Archivist further suggested that the
current media personality threatening ‘They Will Eat Moose Lips’ may face
sanctions if anyone can figure out what the hell that means.